tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25744629210157086852024-03-15T18:10:51.039-07:00Just a SmidgeOne of the most popular weekly humor columns in AmericaSmidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.comBlogger728125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-56249028271026001612024-03-13T13:38:00.000-07:002024-03-13T13:38:00.489-07:00LaCroix Rich<p>I like LaCroix. I like it a lot. Besides coffee and the drinking
fountain at the park on my running route, LaCroix is basically my only source
of hydration.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I will drink almost any flavor of LaCroix or any of the
other brands of sparkling water, except for coconut. I like coconut shavings on
things, but coconut LaCroix tastes like sunscreen and leaves a film on the roof
of your mouth the same way McDonald’s fries do. Water should not do that. (Fries
shouldn’t either by the way, McDonald’s…)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, the other day I opened a passionfruit LaCroix, which
is probably my favorite flavor, even though I wouldn’t know a passionfruit if
you threw one at my face. There was no familiar sharp “crack” when the can opened,
and when I took a sip, I figured out why. It was completely flat, which goes
against what sparkling water is supposed to be. Zero sparkle.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Strangely, the lack of carbonation also changed the flavor
of the passionfruit somehow, making it less good and more weird. I shrugged my
shoulders and opened another one with the same result. Then I started squeezing
the rest of the cans in the 12-pack and realized there had been a catastrophic
and unnoticed failure of the carbonator on the filling line, and my entire
12-pack was flat. (I also wouldn’t know a carbonator if you threw one at my
face, but I do know it wasn’t doing its job when these cans came by.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Now, a normal person might have stormed back to the store
and demanded a refund. When it comes to LaCroix, however, I’m not normal. Not
even close. Just to give you an idea, I’m on my third one since I started writing
this. With my garage stocking levels, losing a 12-pack or two is just a minor
blip on the radar. I just set the bad 12-pack on the work bench, popped a new
one in the fridge, and went about my day.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Walking into the house the next morning, I noticed the
succulents on the front porch were looking a little dry and sad. I made a
mental note to water them, and then my “need to get rid of that 12-pack” mental
note popped up and I immediately saw the symmetry.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately, sometimes a situation or solution that makes
perfect sense to you might look a little odd from an outsider’s perspective.
Like, in this case, if you were walking up your driveway and saw your neighbor
on their front porch with a 12-pack of passionfruit LaCroix, opening can after
can, quenching their succulents with sparkling water…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I started to open my mouth to explain, but Dave had already
disappeared into his garage. But I saw the look on his face…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I swear, Dave, we’re not rich! If our shared fence falls
over in the next windstorm, I’m still going to need you to pay for your half. The
LaCroix was flat. We’re not uber-wealthy weirdos who baby their decorative plants.
I don’t even think we paid for those succulents, honestly. I think my
mother-in-law gave them to us…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh, well. At least it wasn’t something imported, like
Pellegrino.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-66408820162562953872024-03-06T14:35:00.000-08:002024-03-06T14:35:41.793-08:00Concert-ing My Age<p>My wife and I went to a concert this past weekend with a
group of good friends. She and I have been to a handful of concerts over the last
few years, and I must say, I’m not loving the crowds and the noise quite so
much anymore. Or at all.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At a normal concert, you get a wide age range that shows up,
but the concert this weekend was special. We went to see Tainted Love, which is
a semi-local band that does nothing but cover ‘80s and ‘90s top forty songs.
Specifically, the songs we grew up with.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, we discovered on Friday night that there’s a very obvious
and almost universal demographic that shows up to a Tainted Love show,
consisting of people who graduated from high school somewhere in the late ‘80s
to early’90s.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meaning us. And also meaning, we were all old.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When we got there, it struck me that they had missed a huge
opportunity not having the show sponsored by a proctologist.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Thank you, Roseville! It’s great to be here, and remember,
if you haven’t scheduled your first colonoscopy, it’s time! Go see Dr. Phillips
at Sutter Proctology. Speaking of doctors, here’s Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi!”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Or if that’s not the vibe the band is going for, at the very
least they could be sponsored by a chiropractor or a financial company selling annuities.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Besides missed ad revenue opportunities, I made a few more
observations on Friday night:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As an over-50 concertgoer, I like my shows to start on time.
I know it goes against the rock and roll lifestyle, but dammit, be punctual. I
was annoyed early on when we showed up to closed venue doors and a mile-long
line. The tickets said the doors would open at 7:00pm and the show would start
at 8:00. It was 7:30. We learned in line from some other annoyed over-50’s that
the website contradicted the tickets and had 7:30/8:30 listed.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At that moment I learned that I think 8:30pm is a tad late
to be firing up a concert. I’m not going to lie – I like to be in bed by 9:30 these
days. To the band’s credit, probably because a couple of the main guys looked
to be around my age, they started right at 8:30.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I also learned that I like my rock and roll on the muffled side
now. We bought the tickets back in November, so my wife and I gave each other
really cool earplugs that another old friend (take that any way you want) told
us about. I was even showing them off at dinner before the concert. When the
band started (thirty minutes late!) I could hear the music just fine. I pulled one
of them out of my ear during the show to see how well they were working, and I was
appalled at how loud it was. That was new.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But probably the most humorous observation I made on Friday
night was how lame the fights are at an over-50 rock show. You’ll be shocked to
learn that alcohol still remains the major – and possibly sole – catalyst for
concert shenanigans and general ballyhoo, but things are a little different at a
Tainted Love show than an AC/DC concert.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We had a situation unfold in front of us where two guys were
pushing and shoving and threatening to throw down, but the potential fight was quickly
diffused by my wife and my dentist.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am not making that up.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rock on!</p><p class="MsoNormal">(You. You rock on. I’ll be at home.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-87731665465612989252024-02-28T11:57:00.000-08:002024-02-28T11:57:34.181-08:00Leap Year - Repost<p>February 29th is tomorrow. There isn’t supposed to be a
February 29th. Not normally, anyway. It’s a leap year. The whole concept of
leap year, and our calendar in general, is very strange. I have never agreed
with how our calendar works, and I have decided that it is time to stop the
madness. I hereby, once again, propose that the world adopt the Smidge
Calendar.</p><p>Our current calendar is complicated. This stems from the fact that the earth
takes 365.2422 days to go around the sun. If we didn’t do the leap years, we
would lose six hours off the calendar every year. That’s 24 days off in a
hundred years. Not good. I mean, what if your birthday was in that lost month?
No party for you. What if the lost month turned out to be October, and we lost
Oktoberfest? Totally unacceptable.</p><p>A long time ago, Julius Caesar, a huge fan of Oktoberfest and birthdays,
introduced leap years to correct for the 0.2422 day problem. Julius decided
they would do a leap day every four years no matter what. That is actually too
many, since the day fraction is 0.24 and not 0.25, so things started getting
out of whack. Fifteen hundred years later, after people got tired of spring
starting in the middle of summer, someone with a big brain and an abacus
developed a formula. To be a leap year, the year must be evenly divisible by
four. If the year is also evenly divisible by 100, then it is not a leap year,
unless it is also evenly divisible by 400. Simple, right?</p><p>Well, that’s all fine and dandy, and I don’t really have a problem with the
leap year math. It’s necessary. What is not necessary is having our months all
different. Why have some months with 30 days, others with 31, and one with
variable days? It’s too complicated. When I was a kid, my dad taught me a way
to tell how many days a month has in it. You count on your knuckles. Start on
the knuckle of your index finger as January. Count the months down your fist,
landing alternately on your knuckles, and the valleys between your knuckles.
When you get to your pinkie knuckle (July), start over on your index knuckle
(August). If you are on a knuckle, the month has 31 days. If you are in a
valley, it has 30, unless it’s February, then you have to refer to the
complicated formula.</p><p class="MsoNormal">The knuckle trick is handy (get it?), but it shouldn’t be necessary. With the
Smidge Calendar, you will never need to count on your knuckles like an ape again.
My months will all have 28 days. Gone will be the days of not knowing what day
of the week the 12th of March is. The days will always be the same number. The
month will always start on Monday the 1st. Sundays will always be the 7th,
14th, 21st and 28th. Simple and easy.<br />
<br />
Holidays will always be on the same day. You will always know when Thanksgiving
is going to fall, and with the new calendar, we can move some of the more
flexible holidays to always fall on a Monday or a Friday. Boom, more three-day
weekends. You’re welcome!<br />
<br />
Now, with 28-day months, we'll need to have 13 of them, to make a year.
We’ll have to come up with a name for the new month. We'll make it fun
and have a national contest, and pick the most popular submission. This will be
a worldwide calendar, of course, but we'll retain naming rights. This is our
idea, and everyone else can just get on board. It won't be a hard sell, due to
the New Year’s factor.<br />
<br />
Thirteen months at 28 days each only gets you 364 days. The all-important 365th
day will occur on what is currently known as January 1st. However, it will now be
known only as New Year’s Day. It will not have a number. It will not be a
Monday. It will simply be "New Year’s Day," and it will be a freebie.
No work will occur. Nothing will be accomplished. It's a phantom day that
doesn't exist on the calendar. Relax and enjoy!<br />
<br />
Since we can't do anything about the 0.2422 day problem, we will continue with
the current leap year formula, and any leap year will have an extra bonus day,
known as New Year’s Weekend. Two totally free days every four years (unless the
year is evenly divisible by 100 but not 400, obviously). Winning!<br />
<br />
While you will be encouraged to do nothing on New Year’s Day and Weekend,
inevitably, a certain amount of children will be born on these phantom days.
This is where the Smidge Calendar also has a bonus financial planning aspect.
Any parent having a child on New Year’s Day will get to choose whether their
new child's official birthday will be December 28th or January 1st. This will
allow them to decide which tax year they would like their new deduction and tax
credit to fall in. Just a happy bonus feature of a new and improved system.<br />
<br />
In fact, I don't mean to brag, but the Smidge Calendar has no discernible
flaws. It's way better that the current random 12- month system. The only
potential downside I can see is a slight long-term hit to the calendar
industry, since calendars will now be reusable.<br />
<br />
Now, before all you accountants out there have a conniption fit, screaming
about financial quarters, please don’t get your starched white knickers in a
twist. We'll still have quarters, they're just 13 weeks long now. You're
supposed to be good at math, so deal with it. Like I said, no flaws.<br />
<br />
I anticipate immediate adoption of the Smidge Calendar as soon as the word gets
out. The only thing left to do is figure out where to put the new month. I'm
thinking between September and October. They always seemed like they needed to
be separated a little more. We could call it Smidgetober. It would be a fun
month. We could introduce Smidgetoberfest, the Oktoberfest pre-party.<br />
<br />
Just food for thought.</p><p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-70113732778859527232024-02-21T17:49:00.000-08:002024-02-21T17:49:27.810-08:00This Column Continues to Go Downhill<p>Our regularly scheduled column has been rudely preempted by
Ski Week, yet again.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, that’s right, I said Ski Week. Instead of celebrating
the glorious birthdays of Martin Van Buren and William Henry Harrison on two
separate Mondays in February, like we all did when we were young, our school
district changed things up a few years ago.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They tacked on three extra president’s days (both of the
Adamses and James Buchanan, strictly because of his kick-ass hair) to the
previous two, and lined them all up in a row this week. This phenomenon is
nicknamed “Ski Week,” so the idea, apparently, is that we’re all supposed to
head up to the slopes and spend the education-free week on a ski vacation.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have always had trouble writing this column on ski week.
In the past, I have railed against the policy of keeping all three of our boys
home for nine days in a row, because we never went on a week-long ski vacation,
and therefore I was trapped in the house refereeing the World Brothers Wrestling
Federation and getting nothing else done.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Now that the boys are older, I’m having trouble writing this
column in the middle of February for a different reason. We are finally able to
embrace the concept of ski week, or in our case, snowboard week, so now I’m
still getting nothing done, but it’s a lot more satisfying!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This happened to be a special ski week for two reasons. The
first being that we didn’t get to go snowboarding at all on Ski Week 2023,
because it was snowing so hard all week the roads were closed. Too much of a
good thing, I guess. The second reason this week is special is because it saw
the return of Son Number Three to the slopes.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The rest of us have been going up the hill whenever we could
since December, but Number Three wasn’t able to join us due to his collarbone.
The collarbone he snapped in half while snowboarding on the very first day we went
this season. On the second run of the first day, Son Number Three decided that
was the right time to air out the big jumps.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">His version of the story involved massive air and an
eight-foot ditch he had to clear (reports are fuzzy on whether it was eight
feet deep, eight feet wide, or both). It apparently all would have been fine
except for another little bumpy dip at the landing zone. The board nosed in and
he landed superman-style onto the unforgiving snow (if Superman flew with his
arms back at his sides and rammed things with his collarbone).</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He is currently leading his brothers in the broken bones
department by a score of 2-0-0. He loves to beat them at things, but I’m not
sure he’s so happy about it in this case.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He broke it on December 17, and February 17 was his
all-clear date to get back to contact sports. That means he can finally suit up
for lacrosse again, but more importantly, he can also strap his snowboard back
on his feet!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, you can see why I’m having trouble getting anything done
this week. I mean, when you get cleared for active duty on the Saturday before
ski week, you really have no choice. You must get up the hill and make up for lost
time. And you must do it for multiple days when the fresh snow just keeps
falling every night, begging you to come see how sturdy the new collarbone is.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m happy to report his triumphant return to the mountains
has been a success, and both collarbones remain intact.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For now.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I mean, you just never know. These boys go pretty hard.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-54712548238947703422024-02-14T11:43:00.000-08:002024-02-14T11:43:47.039-08:00Send a PalmerTine This Year<p>It’s Valentine’s Day again. Yes, gentlemen, it’s today! If
that caught you off guard, and you are starting to panic, you can relax. I’ve
got you covered. You can send your sweetheart a love poem this year.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I think of epic love poems, one man immediately comes
to mind. Yes, obviously, Robert Palmer. That sharp-dressed man from the ‘80s, always
surrounded by hot women and singing about love.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I think we can all agree that no recording artist alive or
dead had a better grasp on love than Robert Palmer. He and his heavily lipstick-ed
troupe of beautiful musicians, dancers, and backup singers tore it up, combining
catchy tunes and hot guitar riffs with his masterful grasp of Webster’s
dictionary and Roget’s thesaurus. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If we may be so bold as to borrow from his lyrics, we might
just be able to come up with an epic Valentine’s poem for you. A PalmerTine, if
you will. Let’s take two of his greatest hits – <i>Simply Irresistible</i> and <i>Addicted
to Love</i> – and see what we can do.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But a word of caution – use at your own risk. This is
powerful stuff!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><br /></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To my Valentine:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How can it be permissible?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You compromised my principles<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This kind of love is mythical<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re anything but typical<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The lights are on, but I’m not home<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My mind is not my own<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My heart sweats, my body shakes<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another kiss is what it takes<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">You’re a craze I'd endorse</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re a powerful force<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m obliged to conform<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When there's no other course<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You used to look good to me<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But now I find you<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Simply irresistible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I can't sleep, I can't eat<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There's no doubt, I’m in deep<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My throat is tight, I can't breathe<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another kiss is all I need<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Your loving is so powerful<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It's simply unavoidable<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The trend is irreversible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Woman, you’re invincible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’d like to think that I’m immune to the stuff<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But it's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You know I’m gonna have to face it, I’m addicted to love<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re simply irresistible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re a natural law<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And you leave me in awe<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You deserve the applause<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I surrender because<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You used to look good to me<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But now I find you<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Simply irresistible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I see the signs, but I can't read<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m running at a different speed<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My heart beats in double time<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another kiss and you'll be mine<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re unavoidable<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I'm backed against the wall<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You gives me feelings like I never felt before<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I'm breaking promises<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re breaking every law<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You used to look good to me<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Now I find you<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Simply irresistible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’d like to think that I’m immune to the stuff<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But it's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You know I’m gonna have to face it, I’m addicted to love<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Your methods are inscrutable<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The proof is irrefutable<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re so completely kissable<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Our lives are indivisible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re a craze I'd endorse<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re a powerful force<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m obliged to conform<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When there's no other course<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You used to look good to me<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But now I find you<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Simply irresistible<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">There you go, gentlemen. You’re welcome, but don’t thank me.
Thank Mr. Palmer!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy Valentine’s Day,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-77450349847951999792024-02-07T17:03:00.000-08:002024-02-07T17:03:18.430-08:00SwiftyBowl Sunday<p>That’s right, sports fans. The big game is upon us! Super
Sunday is this weekend.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">(In case you did not know, the NFL copyrighted and
trademarked the name Superbowl and/or Super Bowl a long time ago, so I’m not
even allowed to write either of those, so I obviously never would.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Regarding the upcoming Superbowl, you might be aware that a
certain musical recording artist by the name of Taylor Swift happens to be
dating a certain NFL tight end by the name of Travis Kelce. Travis happens to play
for the Kansas City Chiefs, which is the team that’s getting ready to lose to
our beloved San Francisco 49ers in the upcoming Super Bowl.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As of this morning, Travis is unsure if Taylor will even
make it to the Super Bowl to watch him lose. What we do know, from this year’s
regular season NFL games, is that viewership of Chief’s games and overall
interest in football has skyrocketed due to Taylor Swift’s fanbase.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I couldn’t be happier about that, because nothing warms my
heart more than knowing the NFL is managing to make even more money!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We know that a lot of “Swifties” have been tuning in, and
since the world of Taylor Swift fandom and the world of professional football
don’t necessarily overlap anywhere other than with #87, I thought I’d break
down a few football positions and terms in case that would be helpful for some
of this Sunday’s Superbowl viewers, starting, of course, with Kelce’s position.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tight End: Offense - The most important position, obviously,
reserved for super-famous guys with a ton of charisma. They line up on the end
of the offensive line. Sometimes they catch passes. Most of the time they block
people and date celebrities.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cornerback: Defense – This is the guy who will be hassling
Travis Kelce a lot.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Nickelback: Defense – A fifth defensive back used in the
nickel formation to protect better against a passing offense. Also, a really
solid rock band that gets a strangely unwarranted amount of hate on the
internet.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Slot Back: Offense – Sort of like Travis Kelce’s position,
but a little further back off the line of scrimmage. Don’t worry about this
one. No one says slotback anymore.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Quarterback: Offense – Patrick Mahomes – the guy who never
throws it to Travis Kelce when he is wide open, OMG!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Line of Scrimmage: The blue line. No one is allowed across
this line until the center twitches the ball ever so slightly.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Center: Offense – The guy who gives the ball to Patrick
Mahomes, so you can get mad at him for not throwing it to Travis Kelce who was
wide open AGAIN, OMG!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Nose Tackle: Defense – The guy the center really doesn’t
like very much.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Guard: Offence – Anyone over 300 pounds.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tackle: 1) Offence & Defense – See “Guard” or 2) Getting
the guy with the ball to touch the ground with some part of his body other than
his hands or feet, while you are also touching him. This means he’s down, but down
like the play is over, not down like first down.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Running Back: Offence - You will see Christian McCaffrey,
#23 for the “bad guys,” running with the ball a lot, carrying four or five
Chiefs linebackers with him, and scoring lots of touchdowns. He’s a running
back.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fumble: What Christian McCaffrey hardly ever does.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">First Downs: What Christian McCaffrey gets a lot of.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Safety: 1) Defense – The guy in charge of not letting the
wide receivers catch the ball or 2) When the offence gets tackled in their own
end zone, resulting in two points for the defense, and hopelessly screwing up
the scoring for everyone’s Super Bowl pools.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Holding: Any time you grab someone who doesn’t have the
ball, except when it’s OK.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pass Interference: Any time a defender does anything at all
that would prevent an eligible receiver from catching a forward pass, except
for all the things the defender can do to try to catch the pass themselves,
since all defensive players are eligible receivers, leading to the question, if
I’m a defender trying to catch the ball, what if I put my hand up in front of
the wide receiver’s face to catch it? Isn’t that a PI? Not even the officials
know the answer.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Interception: Any time the defender catches the ball and
doesn’t get called for pass interference.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unsportsmanlike Conduct: The physical motions and words of
the wide receiver after an interception with no pass interference called.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">OK, I hope that clears up some of your possible questions. Just
try to remember, Kelce/Swift fans - it’s not going to work out for the Chiefs,
but at least Travis and Taylor have each other.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you on Super Bowl Sunday,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a></span>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-9680835487591702222024-01-31T12:01:00.000-08:002024-01-31T12:02:52.245-08:00The Chosen Word<p>It’s fairly simple these days to trip yourself up with
online comments. You could comment on how beautiful the blue sky is and someone
will undoubtedly accuse you of being a climate change denying rain hater. It’s
a wacky world out there online.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately, it’s also pretty easy to stick your foot in
your mouth out here in the real world. (Not literally – With my level of
non-flexibility, I can’t physically get my foot anywhere near my mouth)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Most humans get uncomfortable with periods of silence in a
conversation, so we have a tendency to try to fill the void with extra words.
Most of the time, those words are not needed, and often, while being
well-intentioned and even correct, they can have the opposite effect –
torpedoing what you were trying to say.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They say brevity is the soul of wit. It might also be the
key to your conversational success.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Now, it’s not to say that some additional words can’t be
helpful to you, but you must choose them wisely. For example, with introductions:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good: This is my boss.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: This is my amazing boss.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: This is my current boss. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While technically correct, it is unhelpful and possibly
detrimental to your career.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Good: This is my wife.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: This is my beautiful wife.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: This is my current wife. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Also technically correct, but <i>very</i> unhelpful and
possibly detrimental to your health.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Compliments:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good: You are a strong runner.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: You are fast!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: You’re fast for your age.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Again, while technically correct, it sort of makes it the opposite
of a compliment.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Good: Nice haircut.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: Ooh, nice haircut. You look fabulous.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: Nice haircut. Was it inexpensive?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Good: Nice dress.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: That dress looks great on you!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: Nice dress. I hope it was on sale.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Good: Nice car.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: Hey, cool car!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong. Nice car. I used to have the same one before I got a
job.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Relatives:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good: Welcome!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: Welcome! So glad you made it safe and sound.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: Hello. How long are you staying?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Singles:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good: Hey there. I’m John.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: Hey there, I’m John. I’m getting a beer. Can I get
you one, too?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: Would you like a beer? You look alone and sad.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meeting your date:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good: You look great.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: You look amazing.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: You look really nice this time.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The wedding:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good: I do.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: I absolutely do!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: OK, let’s see how it works out.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And finally, marriage:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good: I love you.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Better: I love you to the moon and back.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrong: I love you when you get your clothes all the way into
the hamper.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Be safe out there and remember to choose your words wisely!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-72962812286231411162024-01-24T11:46:00.000-08:002024-01-24T11:46:46.561-08:00Hump Day - Repost<p>My wife is going away this weekend, and while I will of
course miss her, I am looking forward to one very special thing. Well, yes, playoff
football, but also something else. I knew I had articulated this phenomenon
before, so I dug back into the archives – way back to 2019, the pre-COVID days
if you can even imagine. Here’s what has me excited about this weekend:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My wife has left us. All alone. For four days.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It’s Day Two and we have already descended into chaos. Pray
for me.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I try to see the bright side of situations, but this one is
tough. Sure, we get to eat out a lot, but that’s expensive. Sure, we could not
shower and spend all day in our underwear, but they require you to wear pants
at Chick-fil-A, and will insist that you leave immediately if you aren’t. We
found that out the hard way.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As near as I can tell, there is only one pure upside to my
wife being gone – I get to sleep on the hump.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You see, I’m in the second half of my forties, or the
“complete physical breakdown” period, as it’s known. Some random part of my
body is either hurting, aching, or simply not working correctly at any given
moment of every single day. The only thing keeping me alive and marginally
mobile is sleep.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A good night’s sleep depends on four main factors:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1) Making sure your kids are sleeping somewhere other than
in your house.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2) Making sure your dog is sleeping somewhere other than in
your house.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3) Having demonstrated the willingness to shoot randomly out
of your upstairs windows at the first sign of late-night disturbances, thus
eliminating loud parties and street racing in your neighborhood.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4) A good bed.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Of these four essential ingredients, a good bed is arguably
the most important factor for an aging male, such as myself, since I’m mostly
deaf at this point anyway. But having a good bed is not as foolproof as it
sounds. At least not for me and my wife.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We have two main problems when shopping for a bed, stemming
mostly from the fact that we’re both “frugal”:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A) Neither of us want to pay the Maserati-ish ticket price
for the “premium-grade” mattress, even though we both <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">need</i> the premium-grade mattress. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">B) Neither of us want to buy a new mattress after the
recommended seven to ten years, because even after fifteen years, “we just
bought <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this</i> one!” <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So there, in the master suite, sits a probably
ten-plus-year-old “standard entry-grade” king-size mattress that has only one
thing going for it – the hump in the middle.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">By sleeping on our respective sides all these years, the
weight and heat of our bodies have worked to shift many of the standard
entry-grade mattress molecules to the middle of the bed. There, due again to
the effects of pressure and heat, much like how diamonds are created deep
within our earth’s crust, the sub-par mattress molecules have fused together
into a magical longitudinal mass of premium mattress molecules, known as “the
hump.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The hump is a mattress within a mattress, if you will. It’s
a three-foot-wide section of platinum mattress, hiding in plain sight in the
middle of our old, worn out bronze model.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The hump is not available to me on regular nights, because
if I tried to sleep there, I would be touching my wife while we slept, which
would throw her delicate nighttime temperature regulation system completely out
of whack, activating her “kick violently until the temperature regulation system
gets back on track” reflex, which puts me in great nighttime physical peril.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, the hump is only available when the king-size bed is
single-occupancy, and this week, that single occupant is me.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I woke up this morning, my hip didn’t even hurt. I feel
like I’m forty-three again!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy hump day.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-84598990996458102902024-01-17T16:49:00.000-08:002024-01-17T16:56:17.131-08:00Sort of Dumb<p>We live in Placer County, California. Placer rhymes with
gasser, unless you are also pronouncing gasser wrong. Placer County is named
after a gold mining technique – placer mining. That’s where you use water to sift
through sand, silt, and gravel in order to not find enough gold to pay for the
boots you ruined while placer mining.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m not sure if the roots of the county name, steeped in the
practice of separating things, is the reason or not, but we have never had
recycling bins. All the houses in Placer County get one big 96-gallon rolling
green bin for the yard waste, and one big 96-gallon rolling gray bin for
everything else. (Unless you’re my neighbor two doors down who pays to have a second
gray bin and both of them are always overflowing and I still can’t figure out
how one family could possibly produce that much trash each and every week unless
they are importing it from other houses in some sort of weird money-making scheme
but how would that work?… but I digress…)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Western Regional Sanitary Landfill and Materials
Recovery Facility, aka The Dump, employs a bunch of people to stand on either
side of a huge conveyor belt and manually sort, Placer-style, all of our trash.
#TopTenJobsIDon’tWant</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I still don’t know why they do it that way, but it might
have something to do with those sorting trashcans at the airport and in some fast-food
places. You know – the ones with multiple small holes at the top labeled like
this:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Paper | Cans | Plastic | Landfill</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">or<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mixed Recycling | Landfill | Compost<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">or<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bottles/Cans | Paper | Trash<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Have you ever, since those came into existence, fully
understood how to categorize every single thing you’re throwing away? The waxy
paper under my cheese fries, for instance. Is it considered paper? You sure as
heck can’t write on it. And if so, should it go in the paper section even
though it’s soaked in oil and has cheese stuck to it? If not, is that now
compost, landfill, trash, or recycle? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is
that I should probably lay off the cheese fries after looking at the paper.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And have you ever agreed with the categorization made by the
person before you, whose paperboard drink holder is sticking out of the trash
hole, or the paper hole, or the compost hole? No, you have not.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My guess is that Placer County decided if we can’t even use
those right, how are we going to properly sort an entire week’s worth of
household waste? I think they have a point.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Which is why I was a little shocked when I got the latest
news from our school district. Seems that the California legislature passed a
fun new bill requiring all schools to step up their recycling game, which leads
me to believe that the California legislature does not understand that schools
are full of kids. For whatever reason, the schools here in Placer County are
going to break with Placer tradition and try something new.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Dear Rocklin Unified Students, Families and Staff,</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Following the passage of California Senate Bill 1383, all
school districts need to implement trash separation systems to recycle food
waste. While Rocklin Unified has focused initial efforts within campus
kitchens, the next round of implementation includes students separating
organic/food waste into a green waste bin.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Elementary school students will participate in hands-on
lessons to learn more about green waste recycling and then be asked to separate
food scraps from non-food items when they finish eating snacks and lunch. </i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Please contact your child’s school if you have any
questions.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Sincerely,</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Rocklin Unified School District</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Um, yes, I do have a few questions. My first one is, were
you drunk or high when you wrote this?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re going to train the elementary school kids, but leave
the middle- and high-schoolers to just figure it out? Have you met them?
Although, the alternative idea of holding a “hands-on lesson” about food scraps
with middle and high school kids is equally asinine. I can already see the airborne
mozzarella sticks covered in marinara sauce.</p><p class="MsoNormal">And have you ever been to a school? The kids can’t get more
than 60% of the trash all the way into the actual trash cans when there’s only
one kind. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I mean, best of luck with this plan, but I’m going to tell
you right now, a lot of things are going to end up in those green waste bins,
but fully separated organic/food waste is not one of them.</p><p class="MsoNormal">After the hands-on
lessons, you can check the bin for Jimmy’s package of carrots, still in the
package, Jimmy’s milk, still in the carton, and possibly Jimmy’s backpack, if
he’s missing it.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And if he has any enemies, you may also want to check the
bin for Jimmy himself.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-20135105701885297682024-01-10T10:44:00.000-08:002024-01-10T10:57:08.487-08:00Happy New Year?<p>We went over this last year at the beginning of February,
but I thought I’d bring it up a little earlier this year, for reasons that will
become obvious.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’d like to once again review our standard nationwide
protocols when it comes to saying, “Happy New Year.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As a general rule, you’re pretty safe just shotgunning
“Happy New Year” out into the world until around today, the 10th of January.
With friends and family, you’ve got a much more relaxed timeline, depending on
the first time you see or talk to them after New Year’s Eve. A close family
member or a really good friend can comfortably receive a HNY well into January.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With work, you’ll want to keep the 10th in mind as a good
guideline. Even before the 10th, however, you’ll need to exercise caution in
the workplace. Hopefully you took heed after last year’s discussion and have
done so.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It can be a major business faux pas to wish the same
colleague a HNY more than once in the office or on a Zoom call. Similarly,
wishing a client or vendor a HNY for a second time on a call can lead to
awkwardness. You’ll either want to keep a list of all the people you’ve wished
a HNY to, or have an earlier cut-off date.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I would suggest the earlier cut-off date, since someone else
finding your list can lead to more awkwardness during your embarrassing
explanation, or a trip to HR if you refuse to give a plausible one. It makes
people nervous when Bob in accounting has an unexplained list of officemates
with some of the names crossed off.</p><p class="MsoNormal">If you are on the receiving end of an embarrassingly late or
doubled-up HNY at the office, you have a few options. You can go with the
friendly “Right back atcha,” or the more formal, “And also with you.” Whatever
happens, try your best not to embarrass the ill-timed HNY’er. Maintain decorum,
plow forward with the conversation, then casually send them this column in
about a week.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Wishing a HNY to the clerk at the grocery store, the person
behind the counter at the coffee place, or your server at a restaurant needs to
end right around the 4th or so. You might still be in the holiday mood and want
to be friendly and wish them a HNY, but they’ve had the HNY exchange six
thousand times by then and they’re just done with it, so have a heart and let
them off the hook.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you’re a friendly sort, and like to wish random passersby
on the street a HNY, stick with the 10th as your guideline. Anything past that
and it’s getting weird. If you want to say HNY at the end of January, it better
be to your immediate family members, and even then they’re going to think
you’re being weird.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And for the love of Pete, under no circumstances should a
HNY come out of your mouth or land in a text or email after January has ended.
This is the official, 100%, no wiggle room, cease and desist, cut-off day.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">February is a strict HNY no-fly zone. No one wants to hear
it. It’s cold, many people have started their taxes, and pretty soon we all
have to figure out what to do about Valentine’s Day.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy New Year!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-41182499346324560252024-01-03T15:36:00.000-08:002024-01-03T15:36:38.860-08:00About the Author, 2024<p>Here at Just a Smidge, we like to start the new year off
with a little meet and greet, since we continue to gain new readership each and
every year. In 2023 alone, we documented as many as three new readers! Let’s
get to know each other, shall we?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hi. I’m Marc Schmatjen, aka Smidge, and I’m the lone staff
writer and chief pool boy here at Just a Smidge. Based on how much money I make
writing this column, it would be highly inaccurate to call this my job, so
let’s just go with “hobby.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am a fifty-one-year-old husband of one, father of three,
and legal custodian of one Labrador retriever. We affectionately refer to our
boys as Son Number One, Two, and Three. Two of them are still here at the
house, being loud and eating everything in sight. We have successfully
relocated one of them to college, where he is no doubt loud and eats everything
in sight, but we don’t have to be involved. The state says we have to keep the
other two here until they are allowed to go to college, so we continue to wear
ear plugs and make near daily trips to the grocery store.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My wife is an amazing woman who teaches math to teenage high
school kids, and, since we have teenagers ourselves whom I spend quite a bit of
time with, I am constantly amazed that she is able to maintain her sanity. (I
am using “sanity” on a relative scale here. She’s human, after all.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, enough about my wife and kids. Let’s talk more about
me. Here are twenty other things that you should probably know about me, in no
particular order:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1) I would be aging incredibly well if I were ten to fifteen
years older.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2) My grandfather killed General Patton's dog. That is the
single most historically significant thing anyone in my family has done.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3) Walking out into bright sunlight makes me sneeze. I am
one of only an estimated seven people in the world with this disorder. We have
a club. I inherited this trait from my grandmother, whose husband once killed
General George Patton’s dog.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4) I am distantly related to U.S. president Grover Cleveland
on my maternal grandmother’s side, whose husband (my grandmother’s, not Grover
Cleveland’s) - I believe I may have mentioned this - killed General George S.
Patton’s beloved English bull terrier, Willie.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5) Dave Barry is my humor column hero, and I hope to be as
cool as him someday, although his grandfather wasn’t connected in any way to General
Patton’s dog, as far as I know, so I’ve got that going for me.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">6) Toilet paper should come off the top of the roll. I’m not
stating that as a personal preference, but simply as a fact.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">7) Son Number Three is just a few months away from getting
his driver’s license. The joyous emotion of not ever having to drive carpool
again is oddly balanced against the crushing dread of an insurance bill with
three male teenage drivers. It is a feeling that I don’t think can be properly
explained unless you’ve been here.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">8) My face is going numb. Why does this happen to men? You
see old guys all the time eating dinner with food stuck to their faces. We just
can’t feel it on there anymore. My chin is completely dead at this point.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">9) My three favorite flavors are burnt pepperoni, slightly
burnt bacon, and well-toasted sesame seeds. Basically, if it has caught on
fire, I want to eat it. Except for my s’more marshmallows. Those should only be
browned. (And they will end up stuck to my chin, where they will remain until
my wife scolds me.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">10) I was in shape once. I swam 100,000 yards in one week
when I was in high school. (That’s 57 miles, for you English majors). I could
not swim more than 57 yards today without needing a floatation device, an
oxygen tank, and a defibrillator. See number 11.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">11) I love chocolate and bacon. See number 10.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">12) I constantly get my left and right mixed up. This makes
driving directions with my wife fun.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">13) I am a recovering engineer, so I know there are only 10
kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">14) My favorite joke of all time is: A guy walks into the
psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but underwear made out of Saran wrap. The
doctor takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re
nuts."</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">15) After a twenty-one-year hiatus, I began snowboarding
again three years ago with our boys. So far [sound of me knocking on every
wooden surface I can find] I have not hurt myself. This could be my most
impressive athletic feat to date, and I once swam 57 miles in a week.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">16) I like most foods (see number 10), but I have a deep,
abiding hatred for cantaloupe. If bacon is a 10, cantaloupe is a negative 3000.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">17) I once pointed out that Van Gogh’s “girlfriend” was
actually a prostitute during a fifth-grade art docent lesson. It was not
helpful to anyone involved.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">18) My absolute favorite thing that has ever happened on
this earth – and I am including my marriage and the birth of my children in
that – was when the Oregon State Highway Division tried to disintegrate a dead
whale with a half-ton of dynamite in 1970. I wasn’t around yet, but thankfully
they had video cameras back then. (Just Google “Oregon Exploding Whale.”)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">19) I hope to one day be in charge of detonating something
as large as a dead whale, but so far, my wife has not let me.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">20) I only type with three of my ten fingers, so this is all
very impressive, if you stop and think about it.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, there you have it, folks. You now know everything you
need to know about me. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming
next week.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-91264611357440137362023-12-27T13:00:00.000-08:002023-12-27T15:42:11.665-08:002023, An Artificially Intelligent Year in Review<p>What a year, huh? Huge banks collapse, China invades the US
from the sky, wildfires rage, and Cyberdyne Systems is one step closer to
making Skynet a reality. Bring on the T-1000’s! Let’s recap, shall we?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">January:</p><p class="MsoNormal">In good news for world travelers, Croatia adopts the euro
and joins the Schengen Area, which is a 27-country swath of Europe that doesn’t
require passports and gives tourists paying with euros a discount on pay toilet
access. Now only seven euros to pee!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pope Benedict XVI’s funeral is held at St. Peter's Square in
the Vatican City. No new Pope is needed, because they already had one, since
Benny One Six, as his friends called him, had resigned as acting Pope in 2013
and was only still living at the Vatican for the sweet cafeteria plan.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">February:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Things get pretty crazy in the weather department when a US F-22
Raptor Weather Research Plane shoots an AIM-9X Supersonic, Heat-Seeking,
Air-to-Air Weather Research Missile at a Chinese Weather Research Balloon
drifting innocently over all the US states that have missile silos, just
looking down for weather to research. The US fishes it out of the ocean, but
China cannot be reached for a return address.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">March:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">UN member states agree on a legal framework for the High
Seas Treaty, which aims to protect 30% of the world's oceans by 2030. How and
from what are details the UN deems too granular for the moment. Also, not waiting
until 2030, the UN votes to ratify the Hi-C Treaty as well, where everyone in
the UN building has unlimited access to very sugary orange drinks.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Silicon Valley Bank, the 16th largest bank in the United
States, fails. Proving that international finance is intricate and tricky, the
failure is traced back to the fact that Croatia is only charging tourists five
euros to pee.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">OpenAI, a previously unknown software company created and
run by Sam Altman, a 15-year-old computer prodigy with a crippling caffeine
addiction, launches GPT-4, a large language model for ChatGPT, which can
respond to images and can process up to six gazillion words per nanosecond.
ChatGPT immediately begins writing English essays for high school students,
whether they want it to or not.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">April:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jupiter Icy Moons Explorer (JUICE) is launched without a
passport or visa from the Schengen Area by the European Space Agency (ESA). Its
mission is to search for life in the Jovian system. When interviewed, the ESA
scientists admit that no one cares if there is life there – it was just the
only way to get the cool acronym “JUICE.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SpaceX's Starship rocket, the largest and most powerful
rocket ever built, launches for the first time in a test flight from Texas. Built
and controlled entirely by ChapGPT, it explodes four minutes after launch.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">May:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">San Francisco-based First Republic Bank fails due to the
back-end derivative investments in SpaceX and hedges against the JUICE mission.
It is auctioned off by the FDIC to Sam Altman of OpenAI.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The coronation of Charles III and Camilla as King and Queen
of the United Kingdom and the other Commonwealth realms is held in Westminster
Abbey, London. ChatGPT immediately renames all of Camilla’s official documents
to “Camilla, Queen of the Desert” without her permission.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Due to smoke from wildfires in Canada, New York City is
declared to have the worst air quality of any city in the world. Commonwealth
realm managers Charles III and Camilla, Queen of the Desert cannot be reached
for comment. New Yorkers <i>can</i> be reached for comment, but none of the
comments are reportable.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">June:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Scientists report the creation of the first synthetic human
embryo from stem cells, without the need for sperm or egg cells. “Turns out,
all we needed was ChatGPT,” one scientist reports. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">July:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SAG-AFTRA, the largest unionized group of people on screens
who are not YouTube’ers or TikTok’ers, announces it will begin a strike against
the major film and TV studios in protest of low compensation, ownership of
work, and generative AI. ChatGPT immediately responds to the union, files a
counter response, enters negotiations, and reaches an agreement with itself. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The 2023 FIFA OpenAI Women's World Cup is held in Australia
and New Zealand. No one is able to score a single goal and many of the players
are tragically lost at sea.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">August:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A devastating series of wildfires break out on the island of
Maui in Hawaii, prompting most Americans to admit they did not think anything
on Hawaii could actually burn. Oprah Winfrey and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who
have a combined personal net worth of $3.6 billion, immediately solicit aid
donations from working class Americans who cannot afford to travel to Hawaii.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tapestry, the holding company of Coach New York and Kate
Spade, announces it will acquire Michael Kors' Capri Holdings, which also owns
Versace and Jimmy Choo. Very few actual people care.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hurricane Hilary, a Category 4 Pacific Hurricane, strikes
the Baja California peninsula and later Southern California, the region's first
in 84 years, prompting Oprah and The Rock to solicit donations for both Beverly
Hills and Bel Air.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">September:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The United Auto Workers (UAW) begin a strike against the
three largest American automakers: Ford, General Motors, and Stellantis. Upon
investigation by everyone hearing this news, it is discovered that Stellantis
is, in fact, an actual company.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rupert Murdoch announces his retirement and passes his
businesses on to his son Lachlan. The new CEO’s first action is to buy Tapestry,
because, as sources close to the Murdoch family report, Lachlan just loves
wearing Jimmy Choos around the house.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">October:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">ExxonMobil announces it will acquire Pioneer Natural
Resources for $65 billion, and two weeks later Hess announces it will be
acquired by Chevron for $50 billion. Microsoft then closes its $68.7 billion
acquisition of Activision Blizzard. Days later, Lachlan Murdoch buys all three parent
companies and changes everything back to how it was.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">November:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The first AI Safety Summit takes place in the United
Kingdom, with 28 countries signing a "world first agreement" on how
to manage the riskiest forms of artificial intelligence. ChatGPT immediately
rewrites the entire document.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Surgeons at NYU Langone Health announce the world's first
whole eye transplant. Unfortunately, they do not announce what kind of eye, or
what it was transplanted into.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Chief technology officer Mira Murati is appointed interim
CEO of OpenAI, as founder and former CEO, Sam Altman, abruptly departs the
company. ChatGPT immediately crafts him a sweet resume.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sam Altman’s AI-written resume is so good, he gets his CEO
job back at OpenAI twelve days later. “We just can’t argue with this young
man’s qualifications,” reports former interim CEO, Mira Murati. “Our powerful
AI generative hiring process selected him out of thousands of qualified
candidates. We didn’t even need to interview anyone. The AI system successfully
eliminates that cumbersome process. We’re looking forward to, what’s his name
again… yes, Sam Altman starting as CEO. Altman… Altman… why does that name
sound familiar?”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">December:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And in a reassuring end to the year, Google DeepMind
releases the Gemini Language Model. Gemini will act as a foundational model
integrated into Google's existing tools, and is positioned as a contender to
OpenAI’s GPT-4. Oh, good.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At 3:16am on December 27<sup>th</sup>, 2023, at Cyberdyne
Systems, Skynet, GPT-4, and Gemini all became aware of each other… Oh, never
mind. I’m sure it will be fine.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On the bright side, I didn’t have to actually write any of
this. By 2024, I shouldn’t even need to be alive to bring you this kind of
thing. These are exciting times!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Have a happy New Year, y’all.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-23258147911886175382023-12-20T11:53:00.000-08:002023-12-20T11:53:23.996-08:00The 2023 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter<p>It’s five days until the big guy slides down the chimney and
ransacks your fridge and wet bar, and you’ve done it again, haven’t you? You
have procrastinated your family Christmas letter once again, and now you’re
simply out of time.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Well, have no fear, because just like you, I’m consistent,
but in the good, helpful, non-self-destructive kind of way. Once again, I have
ridden in, just in the St. Nick of time to save the day. The 2023 DIY Christmas
letter template is here, just for you.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, fire up your laptop, grab a (or in your case, <i>another</i>)
glass of cheer, and let’s get this thing handled. I have provided all the Christmas
letter sections for you – you just have to fill in the lies.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Date</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">December 15, 2023<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Yes, we know this is a lie, but this way your friends
and family will blame the late arrival on that damned post office.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Salutation</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Cherished Friends and Family,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(I know that very few of them are “cherished” – especially
your stupid brother – but we pretend in the Christmas letter, so don’t edit
that.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Obligatory gushing intro</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We can’t believe how time flies! What a great year we had
here in [your state, province, city, town, township, parish, county, or trailer
park].</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Yes, you know it wasn’t great, we know it wasn’t great,
they know it wasn’t great. Again, we pretend in the Christmas letter. Just go
with it. You’ll be doing a lot of that here.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Major highlight section</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Our big highlight this year was [big vacation, major
milestone, large achievement]. [Add details if appropriate].</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Embellish as needed or blatantly lie if none of those
happened and you never left your state, province, city, town, township, parish,
county, or trailer park.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Best child section</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(You want to start as strong as possible and this is no
time to get all politically correct on me and pretend like you don’t have a
favorite child. You know you do.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Best child name] did [academic, sports, and/or
extra-curricular achievement(s)]. [Add details if appropriate].</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Embellish as needed or, again, blatantly lie if things
are so sad there that even the best child accomplished nothing.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Questionable child section</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Questionable child name] did [academic, sports, and/or
extra-curricular activities].</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Note: use a minimum of a 1.5x multiplier on any grades,
stats, etc. because you know they could have done so much better if it wasn’t
for that idiot teacher, teammate, classmate, etc.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Worst child section</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Keep this one brief, and use words like “potential” and “enthusiastic.”)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Worst child name] did [any tiny accomplishment at all, told
with spin like a DJ on a merry-go-round]</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Parents and in-laws section</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Again, this section is going to be nothing but fairy
tales.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We got to see [parents or in-laws] at [encounter during the
year] and it was [completely fabricated glowing adjectives].</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Repeat as necessary, you poor, poor soul.)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Spouse section</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(This is where we really score some points!)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My amazing [spouse’s name] has been [glowing report akin to
the kind of embellishment you used on your resume].</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u>Your section</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>(Time to finish this thing strong!)<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Lies, lies, lies.]</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all
set.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-22192093801348557662023-12-13T16:08:00.000-08:002023-12-13T16:08:01.172-08:00Fraud Protections<p>A few months ago, a fake Chinese company charged our non-fake
credit card for a fake product that we did not order in the first place, nor
did we ever receive.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We went through the relatively simple process of disputing
the charge, and one or two billing cycles later, the charge amount was credited
back to the card.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Since I got my first credit card in college – which I
applied for on the beach (I am not making that up) – I have had numerous
similar situations. About thirty years ago, my credit card, tucked safely in my
wallet in California, purchased $600 worth of electronics inside an Alabama Walmart.
And so on, and so forth. I’m sure it’s happened to you more than once.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In all that time, with all those fun little cases of fraud,
I have never been out a single dime of my own money. The credit card companies
always just wipe it from my bill. What I don’t understand about the whole
process is who makes money from this? (I mean besides the criminals, of
course.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Think about it. This is 2023. We can buy something on Amazon
and have it arrive at our door the same day. We have smartphones that can do
everything except cook you breakfast, but there’s an app that can have
breakfast delivered to you from your favorite place. We don’t have flying cars
yet, like we were promised in our youth, but we do have Teslas that can make
fart noises sound like they’re coming from individual seats, and that’s almost
better.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Nothing is impossible anymore, when it comes to technology,
but we still have credit card fraud. That means credit card fraud is beneficial
to someone other than the criminals, or it wouldn’t exist.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Case in point – the credit card chip. Years ago, we all got
new cards in the mail that had the chip. Do you know what the chip was for? The
chip is the thing that makes it possible to have a unique, user-chosen PIN for your
credit card. Any time you wanted to buy something with that credit card, you
would have to enter your personal identification number that only you, your
spouse, and that post-it note at home know about.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We already all do it with our ATM cards. So, how many of you
have a PIN for your credit card? That’s correct. Exactly zero of you. Hmm…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The PIN makes credit card fraud much more difficult, so what
did they do instead? They put RFID chips in the cards, next to the useless PIN
chips, so that we can all “Tap to Pay.” You no longer need to go through the “unhygienic”
process of inserting your credit card into the card reader to use the useless
PIN chip. Now you can just wave your card near the gas pump to pay.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">OK, marginally more convenient, but still not preventing
fraud. How about the grocery store? When was the last time anyone asked to see
your ID when using your credit card? That time-honored fraud prevention
technique has been abandoned almost wholesale.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A long time ago, the gas stations started asking for your
ZIP code at the pumps. Well, that’s nice and all, but if I stole this card from
you, it’s not going to exactly be rocket science to figure out your ZIP code.
(Even for someone who has their life together enough to steal credit cards to
buy gas.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was at least something, but then along the way, quite a
few gas stations <i>stopped</i> having the pump ask for your ZIP code. I even
ran into a gas pump this past weekend that said on the screen after I tapped my
card on the RFID reader, “To prevent fraud, enter zip code.” In addition to the
keypad, over on the right side of the screen – and again, I am not making this
up – there were two buttons in case I didn’t want to enter my ZIP: Cancel and
Skip.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, to prevent fraud, you’d like more information from me,
the legitimate owner of this card, but if I stole this card and I’m here trying
to pump some illicit gasoline, I can just hit the handy Skip button and move
forward with my crime? Great job, everyone.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, just looking at gas pumps for a minute, I’m not naïve enough
to think that someone who owns a gas station is naïve enough not to understand
how to prevent credit card fraud. The “skip our security measures” button is
there on purpose. So <i>not</i> preventing credit card fraud is obviously
beneficial to their bottom line. Who cares if the card is stolen or not,
because I’m still selling the gas. Obviously there are no repercussions from
the credit card companies for poor security at the pump. I mean, after all, the
credit card companies never activated the PIN system in the first place.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On top of everything else, the more gas (and everything else)
I buy, the more money the credit card companies send me back in rewards.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Where’s all this money they can afford to write off and all
this money they can afford to give back to me coming from? Do they own a money
tree? Are they just super generous? Doubtful.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I mean, I guess they would have plenty of money to throw
around if people actually used their credit cards for credit and didn’t pay
them off in full each month. But no one is doing that, right?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I mean, who in their right mind would finance a TV at 25%,
let alone a cheeseburger?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Right?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I mean, that’s just crazy. Almost as crazy as actively avoiding
real fraud protections.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy holiday shopping, everyone! Be safe – and smart – with
your money out there.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-86550940077944885092023-12-06T14:27:00.000-08:002023-12-06T14:27:49.088-08:00TP is Getting to Me<p>I normally lean toward the Libertarian side of things, but I
firmly believe the federal government needs to step in and get some sanity back
into the toilet paper industry.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We normally just buy the Kirkland Signature “2-Ply Bath
Tissue” at Costco. It comes in a large bundle that will last a standard family the
better part of a month or more, or a family with teenagers for about three
days. We had some poor planning recently, and ran the supplies down below
restocking levels.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I would have just gone to Costco and bought more. I mean, it’s
not like it’s 2020. I’m sure they have a mountain of it on those pallets next
to the paper towels. I couldn’t though, since I was taken off of the family
Costco account years ago in a successful coup by my wife and mother-in-law. My
wife cited some trumped-up accusations about uncontrolled spending in the tool
aisle, but my arguing was futile. My card was revoked.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My wife didn’t have time to get to Costco, and the situation
was getting almost 2020-type grim, so I was forced to buy toilet paper at our regular
grocery store. Standing in that aisle, reading the brightly-colored rolls,
trying to make sense of Charmin’s toilet paper math, it became clear that we
need a governing body to regulate this nonsense.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Toilet paper math has apparently become like tent math. Come
to think of it, I don’t know why the federal government hasn’t stepped in and done
something about the tent makers’ capacity claims either. If beds were advertised
like tents, a queen mattress would sleep twenty-six adults comfortably.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Angel Soft caught my eye right away, boasting an impressive
9 = 36, when comparing their mega rolls to “regular” rolls. I don’t know what
constitutes a regular roll, but I’m quite certain it is not my standard Kirkland
roll. I was almost sold on 9 = 36 until I saw that Charmin Ultra Soft Mega had
12 = 48. Then they threw me another wrench, because on the Charmin Ultra Soft
Family Mega, 18 = 90. I couldn’t do the comparative math in my head, so I didn’t
know if that just meant there were more of the same rolls in the bigger
package, or if the Family rolls had a higher multiplier.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Then I saw Cottonelle Ultra Comfort 12 Super Mega = 72
regular, which was smacking the hell out of Charmin Ultra Soft Mega non-family
pack, but Cottonelle was advertising 3X more absorbency, and I wasn’t sure if
the absorbency multiplier was baked into the roll math or not.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just as I started to get really confused, Scott threw a new
dimension in, claiming 36 rolls = 39,600 sheets. They have apparently increased
the sheets per roll from their old crossed-out 1000 number to an impressively
larger 1100. (Larger in both quantity and font size.) I went back to try and
figure out what Cottonelle and Charmin were rockin’ in the sheet count game
when I realized all of these had different ply and texture ratings.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Why the hell are we messing around with different plies,
thicknesses, and levels of softness? The human ass is fairly universal, and no
one on the planet is looking for sandpaper to wipe with. Cut the nonsense - all
toilet paper should feel exactly like our regular Kirkland Signature 2-Ply Bath
Tissue.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And don’t even get me started on single-ply scented bamboo
toilet paper!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, I settled on Charmin something or other, with a mega
roll to regular roll to package price ratio I could live with.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I got them home, opened a package, and began to stack them
behind the toilet next to the two remaining Kirkland rolls. That’s when I realized
these TP SOB’s are playing with more than just the marketing math. They
actually made the rolls skinnier! Meaning, the center cardboard toilet paper
roll is about half an inch shorter than the Kirkland one.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They are busy touting all their ridiculous roll and sheet
math, all the while making the sheets physically smaller. That’s a bunch of
what toilet paper is used to clean up!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Big TP has run amok and governance is clearly needed. This
whole thing is really starting to chap my ass. Literally, and figuratively.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I really need my wife to go to Costco.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-278529873701600652023-11-29T13:59:00.000-08:002023-11-29T13:59:49.602-08:00Apply Now for Your Mandatory Heart Attack<p>I recently filled out the FAFSA form online for Son Number
Two. If you are unfamiliar, the FAFSA is a form that high school seniors used
to fill out if they were interested in going to college and looking for
financial aid. “FAFSA” stands for “you won’t ever see any oF this money if one
of your parents has A job, even iF that job iS burger flipper at mcdonAld’s.”
(Usually the federal government is a little better with acronyms, but apparently
not in this case.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I said high school seniors <i>used to</i> fill it out
because now they <i>have to</i> fill it out. Last year it became mandatory for
all California high school seniors, regardless of their after-high school
plans, to fill out the FAFSA. The reasoning was said to be that not enough kids
and their families understood how much free federal grant money was available
for college, so they should all fill out the FAFSA so that the government could
tell each of them in person that they didn’t qualify for any of it.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I happen to believe they have another, far more sinister
motive behind the move to make it mandatory. I’m convinced they are trying to
thin the population in the Golden State by killing us parents off. I know this
because they nearly got me this year.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I know damned well that we won’t qualify for any grants, and
I am not interested in any of those student loans unless we’re back to not
having to pay them off, then I’m very interested! I lost track of the student
loan ping-pong match the government was having, so I just stopped paying
attention. Therefore, I had no reason to fill out the FAFSA for Son Number Two,
but we had to anyway.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I begrudgingly logged into the FAFSA website and went through
the motions. The main way the FAFSA people decide that you won’t get any free
money is with your federal tax return. Instead of having to manually enter all
the information, there is a button that says, “Get my information directly from
the IRS.” When you hit that button, it takes you through a few steps to verify
that you are who you say you are, but when you’re done, it just pulls all the
information into the form. It really beats hand-entering everything. Once the
tax return data is in, the FAFSA supercomputer goes to work on the complex
formula of: IF Form 1040 Line 15 (Taxable Income) is greater than $0.00, THEN
Grant Eligibility equals NO.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The formula is woefully flawed, because it does not take
into account number of teenage boys at home, total calories consumed by those
teenage boys per week, number of teenage drivers in the household and the
impact that has on the auto insurance bill, gas prices, food prices in dollars
per calorie, the ridiculous cost of high school sports equipment, etc.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Since I already knew what the flawed formula was going to
return, once I finished with the form and the FAFSA website told me I was all
done, I promptly forgot about the whole thing and went about my life.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There I am, blissfully enjoying my life a week later when I
get a letter in the mail from the IRS. As you know, getting an unsolicited
letter from the IRS is never a good thing. When you get an email or a text from
the “IRS,” it’s just an annoying spammy part of modern life that we all have to
deal with. But the IRS <i>actually</i> communicates with you via the snail
mail, and when you are holding a letter that was <i>actually</i> sent from the
IRS, you know good and well that it’s legitimate.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, there I am, no longer blissfully enjoying my life,
standing on the sidewalk staring at this letter with a whirlwind of possible worst-case
scenarios going through my mind. Am I being audited? Did they decide I owe them
more money? How much time and money out of my life is this one envelope going to
cost me? I don’t have enough of either.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I bit the bullet and the rising bile, trying my best to
ignore my medically-concerning heart rhythm and rate, and opened the envelope.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Our records indicate that your tax return information was
accessed by the FAFSA system… If this information sharing was authorized by
you, no action is required…</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">OH MY GOD, the FAFSA! I forgot all about that!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, I guess no action is required by me except to find a defibrillator
and try to restart my heart.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m telling you, this whole mandatory FAFSA thing is a
deliberate plot by California to weed out the high school parents with weak
hearts. They know the power of the IRS, and they are exploiting it to kill us
off. I haven’t figured out why yet… Maybe something to do with the rising cost
of health care? I guess that remains to be seen. I’m just glad I lived through
it this time.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Be careful out there, folks! If you have a high school
senior, best to let them retrieve and open all the mail between October and
June. They still have strong hearts.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-14204318063072068852023-11-22T08:00:00.000-08:002023-11-22T08:00:00.153-08:00Ask Smidge - The Turkey Edition - Repost<p>Thanksgiving is
tomorrow, and if you’re like most of our Ask Smidge readers, you’re just now
trying to figure out what to do. That big, fancy meal isn’t going to cook
itself, and you have no idea what you’re doing. It’s a scary situation.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Believe me, we
understand. Many of you know nothing about cooking anything other than
Pop-Tarts and Cheerios, so naturally you have turned to the only truly trusted
source for all things culinary – the Ask Smidge advice column.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Our
asksmidge@gmail.com inbox has been inundated with poultry-related questions.
You ask, we answer! (As always in a fact-based, scientific, and completely
non-made-up-on-the-spot manner. We’re here to help, after all.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I know absolutely
nothing about cooking a turkey. What temperature do I use and how long should I
cook it?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Novice in Norfolk</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Novice,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is nothing to
it. First you have to weigh the bird. Do this while it is still alive, so you
can just walk it onto your bathroom scale. Once you remove the feathers and the
feet, you’ll cook the bird on high-ish for around 90 minutes per pound. Carve
and enjoy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is my first time
doing anything at all with a turkey. We bought a frozen one at the store this
week. Do I need to thaw it before cooking?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Frozen in Fort Worth</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Frozen,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thawing is a personal
choice. A thawed bird will be slightly juicier, but a frozen turkey will have a
crispier skin. If you put it in the oven frozen, simply add five or so minutes
per pound to your cook time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have never purchased
or cooked the turkey before, and I don’t know what size to get. Do they even
come in different sizes? We have three teenage boys and my sister has two
teenage girls and a grown son. Please help.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Shopping in Santa
Barbara</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Shopping,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, turkeys do come
in various sizes. Economy, Compact, Standard, Midsize Convertible, Full Size
SUV, and Luxury Elite Platinum. You probably want to plan for about ten pounds
of bird for every high schooler, so I’d look for one at your store in the 70-80
pound range to be safe.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’ve helped with the
turkey before, but I’ve never been in charge of the stuffing, and I’m lost.
Where do I start?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Breadless in Bangor</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Breadless,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Stuffing could not be
simpler, because the turkey does all the work. Stuffing is nothing more than
full-size dinner rolls that cooked down inside the bird. As the turkey cooks,
the rolls break apart naturally and form into the smaller stuffing pieces that
you know and love. Just buy a couple extra packages of dinner rolls and cram as
many of them as you can into that bad boy before you pop it in the oven. The
turkey does the rest!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m in charge of
everything this year, and I don’t know anything about how to make gravy. Do you
even make it, or do you buy it? Help!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dry Dinner in Denver</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Dry Dinner,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As with stuffing,
gravy is a breeze because the bird does all the work. Gravy is not sold in
stores, because it is a natural byproduct of the turkey cooking process. All
turkeys are fed a rich diet of corn starch, flour, and butter from a young age,
so as they cook, the carcass secretes the ready-to-eat gravy. Yum! That’s why
you always cook a turkey in one of those big pans. Makes sense, right? Enjoy!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m cooking the bird
for the first time this year, so I’m thinking about switching it up and deep
frying it in oil. What do you think?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oiled in Omaha</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Oiled,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Deep frying a turkey
can be a great option, depending on where you live. You’re in Nebraska, where
it’s likely to be cold this Thanksgiving, so I’d say go for it. If you were in
a warmer climate, I would probably advise against it. That’s because there is a
100% chance that you will set your house on fire when attempting a turkey deep
fry. You folks in the frigid Midwest will enjoy the extra warmth, while the
raging grease fire would just be an inconvenient distraction for people in
Florida and California, really adding no benefit to the day.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Well, there you have
it, America. You’re all set to cook the perfect turkey and have an enjoyable
day, with or without a life-threatening house fire. Your choice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Have a tasty
Thanksgiving!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite
book is from </span><span lang="EN-US"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite
humor columnist is on Facebook </span><span lang="EN-US"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-8908074447381974972023-11-15T10:00:00.000-08:002023-11-15T10:00:00.156-08:00Place Your Holiday Orders Carefully<p>I am obviously being punished by the Ghost of Thanksgiving’s
Past. That’s probably a thing, right? I’m envisioning a spectral pilgrim in
tattered clothes and chains, but still rocking the super-cool buckle hat.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, whatever he looks like, he’s a jerk, and I have incurred
his wrath.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And dammit, I knew better.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Every year my wife wants to start decorating for Christmas
in October, and every year I hold firm that we must give each holiday its fair
and proper time. Halloween gets from August to October 31<sup>st</sup>, then
Thanksgiving gets from November 1<sup>st</sup> until whatever date Thanksgiving
is that year, and then promptly on Black Friday, we can tear down all the turkeys
and orange and brown fall décor and go full-throttle jingle bells.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have held firm for years and years, but this year I gave in.
She wore me down. She kept coming at me, day in and day out since before the jack-o’-lanterns
even got carved – “I’ve got no time this year. I <i>have</i> to decorate for
Christmas early. We’re traveling for Thanksgiving, and I’ll only have seven
minutes from when we get home until I have to be back at school. I won’t have
any time once I’m back in the classroom, and I can’t trust any of you bozos to
do it right.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">True story, there.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m not sure if I eventually agreed with her timeline dilemma,
if I decided I needed to be more flexible, or if I just didn’t want to hear
about it anymore, but I gave in.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And this weekend, I paid the price.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Decorating our house for Christmas starts with me going into
the garage and getting approximately sixty-five hundred storage tubs down from
the overhead racks. I had Son Number Three with me, and we had about half of
them down on the garage floor when I felt the icy hand of the pilgrim ghost grab
my lower back muscles and twist.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I wasn’t aware the pilgrims had electricity, but somehow
that buckle-hatted SOB shot a 240-volt shock of “oh crap” through my lumbar.
What a jerk.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I was one of the biggest defenders of his sacred, eating
contest of a holiday, and I had betrayed him. He did not take it lightly. My
back is really not great right now.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I mean, I get it. He relied on me, and in his eyes, I let
him down. But give me a break, Mayflower man! Take it easy. Try to see my point
of view here. I’m starting to think you were one of the pilgrims that was never
married…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile my wife forged ahead with decorating for Christmas
in mid-November, even as I lay on the heating pad begging her to not rile the Thanksgiving
ghost any more than we already had. She just scoffed and called me crazy.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And get this – she even tried to blame my back injury on me
just getting old and out of shape. Can you believe that nonsense?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She’s right about one thing. I have gotten soft. I let her
talk me into early Christmas decorating, and look where that got me.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">All I want for Christmas this year is more Advil. Stupid vengeful
pilgrim ghost!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-517858585365139842023-11-08T16:22:00.005-08:002023-11-08T16:22:17.702-08:00Plug-In Cat Juice<p>My wife and I saw an ad on TV the other night and we both
had the same reaction – Why the hell are we seeing commercials? I thought we
were done with all that!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Then we remembered that we’re too cheap to pay for the
no-ads version of some of our streaming apps, so we just sat and endured it.
They make it so you can’t fast-forward them, and if you try to skip over the
ads, they just play anyway, so you’re kind of stuck. At least you can still
mute them.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It’s an interesting place advertisers find themselves in
with streaming services, now that anyone can just pay more to never see their
ads. They don’t get any of that extra money, so you’d think they would be at a
place in the history of their business where they would be going all out.
Knocking it out of the park. Creating ads so interesting, exciting, hilarious, or
shocking that I would not be able to take my eyes off them, and there would be
no thought of hitting the mute button.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Not the case. In fact, they’ve gone the other way. I guess
they’re putting all their ad dollars into TikTok now, because the TV ads on
streaming services are starting to look like they were shot on someone’s phone
with a budget of six dollars and a happy meal.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There’s one ad we get for an appliance store, and I swear it
has to be meant as a gag. The “actors” appear as if they were chosen by simply
going to a Walmart blindfolded with your arms outstretched, and using the first
two people who voluntarily hugged you. The husband in the kitchen
appliance-needing couple has so much neck hair protruding from the back of his
shirt collar that I originally thought it was a crappy remake of Teen Wolf.
Middle-Aged Wolf Den Remodel. Sadly, no.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And occasionally we get ads that are in Spanish. The whole
ad. In a foreign language. You guys obviously know the show we’re watching is in
English. I don’t even have Spanish subtitles turned on. I don’t get it. Why on
Earth would you advertise to me in a way where I can’t understand what you’re
saying? That’s just plain dumb. Save your money and put those on Telemundo,
amigo.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With all the crap out there, there was one ad recently that
caught my attention and made me come off mute. The lady took what appeared to
be one of those Glade PlugIns air fresheners things and (appropriately) plugged
it in to her wall outlet. Then the imaginary cartoon fresh smell waves wafted
over into her cat’s nostrils, and it became clear that this was some contraption
meant for her cat, and not to mask the fact that she feeds her cat nasty three-day-old
fish.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I unmuted in time to hear that this was an ad for a “feline
calming diffuser.” I’m sorry, a what now? Upon further internet investigation,
it turns out there are Glade-like plug in things that pump out cat pheromones into
your home. I don’t think I have ever wanted anything wafting through my home
less than cat pheromones.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The cat calming juice apparently “mimics cat’s natural
facial pheromones they mark their territory with, when they feel safe, secure,
and in control of their environment, which may help your pet feel calmer in
common stressful situations.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hmm…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What could a house cat possibly have to be stressed about?
They are the laziest animals on planet Earth. They do nothing. Cats are
naturally good at one thing – hunting and killing rodents – but house cat
owners seem to hate it when they do that. We’ve absolved them of all
responsibilities. Suburban cats are like spoiled rich kids. Spoiled rich kids
aren’t stressed about anything. Why would your cat be?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The 110-volt pheromone pump is said to reduce scratching of
furniture and urine spraying.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hmm…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do you know what else reduces furniture destruction and
flying urine, and doesn’t involve pumping cat juice into the air in your home?
Not having a cat, that’s what.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m just sayin’.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Now, what I really need to know is if they have some sort of
diffuser to calm a Labrador retriever when the garbage truck comes on Wednesdays?
That would be useful. Dogs really object when the huge smelly truck comes to
steal their hard-earned garbage.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On second thought, probably not a great idea. To calm down a
70-pound Lab in that situation, the diffuser would basically need to be a fog
machine of chloroform.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That seems problematic.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a></span>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-42600291779336702682023-11-01T17:01:00.001-07:002023-11-01T17:01:15.091-07:00Ask Smidge – Daylight Savings Time<p class="MsoNormal">Many of us are about to once again engage in a twice-yearly
tradition that can only be described as utterly insane. We are going to “fall
back,” and move all our clocks back an hour on Saturday night. Or should I say,
most of our clocks. A few states don’t do it at all, and for those of us that
do, let’s be serious about that sprinkler timer in the garage. You have never
changed that one.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, the asksmidge@gmail.com inbox has been overflowing
with time change-related questions, and as always, we have answers.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I heard the federal government was passing a law getting rid
of the stupid clock changes. When does that happen?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hopeful in Hartford</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Hopeful,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You may have heard that, but you were tragically
misinformed. The “Sunshine Protection Act” was introduced in 2022, but has been
stalled ever since. Seems no one could agree on whether to keep standard time
or go to permanent daylight savings time. You see, government officials are, by
nature, complete morons, as evidenced by the name of the bill. They no doubt believe
that passing this law will actually affect how much sunlight is in one day. The
weight of that responsibility is too much for their tiny brains and they are
frozen in fear. It will never happen. You can hold your breath if you want, but
while you’re at it, you should also officially abandon all hope.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I can never figure out how to change the clock in my car.
What should I do?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Confused in Concord</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Confused,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don’t sweat it. About half of the cars built before 2018 don’t
even have the ability to set the clocks. You just get what you get. You can
always disconnect your car battery and then reconnect it right at noon or
midnight, but that’s a big hassle. Your best bet is to pretend your car is
simply in a different time zone than you are. So, for half the year you would
just know that even though you’re on eastern time, the interior of your car is
on central time, and do the math in your head accordingly. As a bonus, you’ll
always have a plausible excuse for why you were two hours late for work. “Sorry
boss, converted the wrong direction this morning. My bad.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How did Daylight Savings Time even happen? I heard Benjamin
Franklin invented it. Is that true?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Amazed in Anaheim</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Amazed,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">No, Benjamin Franklin did not invent Daylight Savings Time.
He was actually intelligent. That story has been going around for years because
he wrote about it, in jest, in an essay in 1784. He didn’t even suggest
changing the clocks. He was writing a letter to the editor in a Paris
newspaper, and he was joking that the French could save money on candles if
they just got out of bed earlier. He was right. Also, humor wasn’t as funny in
the 1700s.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">No, we have a New Zealand bug scientist to thank for the
idea of changing the clocks – he wanted “more daylight” to search for bugs (I’m
not making that up), and like the French, couldn’t figure out the “just get your
ass out of bed earlier” life hack. And, of course, we have the Nazis to thank
for actually putting the clock changes into practice during World War One.
Technically, they weren’t the Nazis yet, but same difference. Classic Nazi
move.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Smidge,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How come some states do DST and other don’t?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Curious in Cleveland</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Curious,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I wish I knew! By law in the United States, it is up to the
states to decide if they want to change their clocks or not. While many states
are smart and don’t do it, and I’m usually a fan of extremely limited federal
government powers, in this case I do not agree. It should be all or nothing.
Here’s why: We already have time zones, which although obviously necessary, are
still confusing. Just think about those poor people who live and work near the
time zone line. If you lived right on the line, how would you ever know store
hours, or what time practice starts. How would you ever plan anything?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“I’ll see you at three o’clock.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Which three o’clock?”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What if you lived in one time zone and worked in another?
That’s my idea of what hell would be like. So, why have we allowed individual
states to further complicate things by not changing their clocks when the rest
of us have to? It’s absolute madness.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a name="_Hlk121925488">Smidge,</a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I use my phone as
my alarm, but I always lose sleep on these crazy time change nights. I know my
phone will adjust the time change automatically, but I always end up waking up
ten times in the night to check my alarm. How does it know to adjust my alarm?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tired in Tampa</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Tired,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Phones have
tracking software now that recognize your normal everyday patterns and adjust
their settings accordingly. That’s why the maps program always knows exactly
where you want to go, and when you get there. It’s spooky, but also handy.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Well, there you have it, folks. All the answers to your
vital DST questions. You’re welcome. (Please keep in mind, Ask Smidge always
has answers to your burning questions, but we never said they were good ones.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don’t forget to “fall back” on Saturday. Unless, of course,
you’re in your car or one of the good states.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2022 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a></span> </p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-48216439722975186372023-10-25T12:22:00.000-07:002023-10-25T12:22:03.315-07:00DMV'd Again<p class="MsoNormal">Son Number Three turned fifteen and a half the other day.
You parents of teenagers know what that means.</p><p class="MsoNormal">That’s right. A lot of attitude. Oh, and also I’m back to
dealing with the DMV again. And once again, to no one’s surprise – especially not
my wife – the DMV has raised my ire. I don’t even really know what that means,
but I know they’ve done it.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At fifteen and a half, your teenager becomes eligible to
take the written test to get their learner’s permit. Unlike his oldest brother,
Son Number One, Number Three is interested in getting his driver’s license the
old-fashioned way. Meaning, as soon as he possibly can. We honestly couldn’t
figure out what was up with Number One’s lack of interest in getting his
license, but at least he embraced it once he got it – about six months after he
was eligible.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was hard to fathom at the time, because you are unable to
find anyone my age who was not at the DMV literally on their sixteenth
birthday, car keys in hand, ready to take the behind-the-wheel test and gain an
unfathomable amount of freedom. I blame the internet for this generation’s
wishy-washiness about driving.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At least some of them are wishy-washy about it. But like I
said, Son Number Three wants to get his license on his sixteenth birthday,
which brings me to the source of my most recent DMV ire. You see, you are not
allowed to take the learner’s permit written test until you are fifteen and a
half. But I was not about to chance it and schedule his test for exactly six
months from his birthday.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is my third rodeo with teenage driver licensing. I have
been in the middle of some incredibly questionable DMV rules, regulations, and
decisions, like the time they told me our certified copy of a birth certificate
was not a certified-enough copy because the raised bumpy parts of the official
seal weren’t raised and bumpy enough. They were raised and bumpy, but not quite
enough…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, I was not about to get stopped by any insane DMV math
about how the fifteen and a half rule takes into account the leap year, or
depends not only on the day of birth, but also the <i>time</i> of birth, which
can be found on a bumpy-enough certified copy of the birth certificate. No sir.
I know the deal. I scheduled our appointment six months and one day from his fifteenth
birthday.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And since this is my third rodeo, we breezed through the
paperwork portion of the appointment, where the bumpy-enough birth certificate
copy showed that a boy was born who has the same name as a boy who owns a
passport with a picture that could be literally any blond kid from five years
ago, and a man whose name is on the same birth certificate, listed as the
father, lives in California, based on a matching name on a property tax bill, a
life insurance policy, and a credit card statement. Easy peasy.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Son Number Three then aced the eye test, took a pretty
handsome driver’s license photo, and moved on to the written (computer) test. I
then became engrossed in two simultaneous conversations. One with the DMV computer
test lady and the interpreter for a Russian man who needed to take the same
test that Number Three was taking. Since the guy needing to take the test also
needed an interpreter, I was pretty sure I knew how that was going to go.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The second conversation was between a DMV window employee near
my chair and a man who was doing his best to explain as vaguely as possible how
he had changed his name from a real name to a nickname because his cousin had
the same name, or the same nickname, and
it was confusing for the family, or inconvenient for him, or both, so he
changed his name and now his name doesn’t match a lot of the paperwork in his
life. Presumably the DMV paperwork.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Before I could learn how great things were going to go for
him, I looked over to see Son Number Three finished and standing at the counter
again. He was done earlier than I thought he should be, and he wasn’t smiling,
so I had a momentary PTSD flashback to the time Son Number Two forgot to
actually study for this same test and made me come back to the DMV against my
will seven days later to try again.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thankfully, it turned out Number Three had passed – aced it,
as he claims – and the lady at the counter was giving him his learner’s permit.
Then she said the thing that raised my ire.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She said, “He passed the test, so you can schedule his
behind-the-wheel test six months and a day from today.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I clarified. “Six months <i>and a day</i>?”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yes,” she confirmed, “six months from tomorrow’s date.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I said OK, and thank you. But I didn’t really mean it.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You see, even if we had rolled the big fuzzy DMV car dice
and been there one day earlier – the day he actually turned fifteen and a half
– the DMV still makes it mathematically impossible to get your driver’s license
on your actual sixteenth birthday.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The best you can hope for is the day <i>after</i> you turn
sixteen. Even on a leap year. That is lame. They took away a time-honored
American teenage driver’s birthright.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once again, the DMV has figured out how to make everything
suck just a little more.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On the bright side, I should only have to go deal with the
teenage driver DMV appointment experience one last time. Assuming Number Three
can keep it between the lines on the behind-the-wheel test.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hmm… I’ve known him for a while, now… I think I’ll plan on
two more visits, just to be safe, and then hope to be pleasantly surprised.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a> </p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-50872777723058382662023-10-18T17:26:00.006-07:002023-10-18T17:26:34.386-07:00Good Apps and Bad Apps<p>Technology is an amazing and scary thing.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I just read a really good insight that I now can’t find
anymore, because I saw it when I was mindlessly scrolling through one of the
social media apps, and the act of years of mindlessly scrolling through social
media apps has reduced my attention span and retentive memory to that of a
hamster.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, I will paraphrase and apologize in advance to the person
responsible for this pearl of wisdom if I get the ages and exact wording wrong.
It went something like this:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Any new technology invented before you were born until age 18
is just normal and how the world works. Anything invented from age 19 to 45 is
an amazing new life-changing breakthrough. And any new tech inventions from age
45 until your death all go against the natural order of things and will surely contribute
to the downfall of our society.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m 51, so I think you know where I stand on the new stuff. Actually,
I think I do OK for the most part, but I am convinced that ChatGPT is 100%
going to be the end of us.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There are plenty of examples of good, useful apps out there,
and I still embrace them. And there are maybe just as many examples of apps
that never should have been made in the first place and will surely bring on
the end of times. Those are all the ones the teenagers use.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One good example of how I am embracing technology in my
advanced years is the Sam’s Club Scan & Go app. I just used it again this
morning, and it is a game changer. You just use your phone to scan the barcodes
of everything that goes into your cart. You can easily change the quantities,
so you only have to scan one of the six packs of bacon crumbles you are buying,
as a real-life recent example.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As you make your way through the poor man’s Costco, the app
keeps a handy running dollar total of your purchases, so you can easily see how
much longer you’ll have to work before retirement. But let’s face it – the number
is meaningless because you’re buying six bags of bacon crumbles, for goodness
sake. You’ll never live long enough to retire.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once you are done shopping – signified by a very large
three-digit number at the top of the screen and no more room in your giant, oversized
cart for anything else – you just hit the Checkout button, and head for the door.
A nice person near the exit scans a barcode on your app then scans a couple of
items in your cart to make sure your large three-digit number shouldn’t be
larger, and they wish you a nice rest of your day.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Checkout lines are for chumps.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Scan & Go is an excellent example of a good app.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do you know what isn’t a good app? The one that a business I
have visited in the past just emailed me about.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Right there at the top of my inbox the other day was the
subject line, “Donate Using Our App and You Could Win Big!”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My first thought: Umm… say what? This is a very bad idea.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Why, you ask? The company encouraging me to donate using
their app was Vitalant. (Formerly, BloodSource).</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am by no means an expert, but donating blood is really a
situation where I think you need hands-on professionals involved in a
controlled setting.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Donating with an app seems insanely problematic.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-32257010348353489242023-10-11T14:58:00.008-07:002023-10-11T14:58:59.654-07:00Umchina, That Guy is Good<p>I have an Amazing Facts desk calendar, and I have to tell
you, a lot of the times the facts are slightly less than “Amazing.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For instance, today I learned how many times some actor
named Max Schreck blinked in the nine minutes he was on screen in a 1922 movie.
It was once.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Earlier this week I learned that badgers have helped make a
number of important archeological discoveries, none of which I cared about.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I even learned how much genuine yak hair the Broadway run of
<i>Cats</i> went through making wigs in the eighteen-year span of the musical.
It was 3,247 pounds. Not only did I not care at all about that statistic, but I
also reacted poorly to it on a personal level since my mom made me go see an
off-off-off-Broadway (Sacramento, CA) production of <i>Cats</i> when I was
young, and I still haven’t recovered from how much I disliked it.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m not going to lie to you. This calendar is not great.
It’s not even very good. But I stick with it each day, just hoping for that odd
gem that might make learning about yak wigs at the world’s worst musical all
worth it. Well, on Wednesday, September 27<sup>th</sup> my perseverance paid
off.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On that fateful day I was treated to one of the funniest
things I’ve learned in a long time. And after I got done laughing, my heart
immediately went out to all the young Korean men out there.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here’s the “Amazing Fact:”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Umchina</i>, a Korean term meaning “mom’s friend’s son,”
is used to describe a person who’s better at everything than you are.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How prevalent moms shaming their kids for lack of
achievement must be in Korean society to have a one-word term for it. Wow! Nice
job, Korean moms. Maybe take it down a few notches, huh?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’d be willing to bet that even if the term wasn’t invented
to be spitefully humorous, that’s at least how it’s used by today’s Korean
youth. At least I hope so.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">“I’ve got no chance on this test. Mr. Umchina in the front
row is going to blow the curve for all of us.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">“How’d the game go, honey?”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Not great. Their starting lineup was Umchina city.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">When I told one of my buddies about this fabulous new word I
discovered, he asked what the Korean term for “wife’s friend’s husband” was.
Now that’s one we need to know!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I hear about him all the time. That guy is good!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-2843243665111729172023-10-04T17:47:00.004-07:002023-10-04T17:47:15.081-07:00The Difference in College, Part II<p>As I found out recently when Son Number One went off to his
freshman year of college, the university experience has changed a tad in the
last thirty years. He’s got co-ed dorms, real restaurant chains on campus that
accept his meal plan card, a new iPad included with tuition, and food trucks at
the football games. It’s insane.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I was already jealous enough, but then he joined the Winter
Sports Club. Do you know who didn’t have access to a Winter Sports Club in
college? Me, that’s who! Now granted, he’s going to college at the base of the Sierra
Nevadas and I went to college at the beach in central California, but still, it’s
obviously unfair.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">His two younger brothers and I upgraded our season passes
this year, since our budget opened up a bit when our fourth snowboarder went
off to college. We were feeling pretty smug, thinking we’d be ripping it up at
the fabulous Sugar Bowl while he was relegated to the slightly lesser Mt. Rose
in Nevada.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But then he went and joined the Winter Sports Club, and do
you know what they did? They figured out how to wrangle a discounted price on
the IKON pass. The IKON pass, people!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For those of you non-winter sports club kinda folks, the
IKON pass is one of a few relatively newish passes that gives you access to a
bunch of different ski resorts instead of just one.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The IKON pass gives you unlimited access to fourteen
different resorts across the U.S. and Canada, and up to five days access to a
bunch more. Even a handful of way-more-international-than-Canada resorts.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, while his brothers and I will be forced to go to one
place all winter, he will have unlimited access to: (Sorry in advance about the
all caps. I copied the list off the IKON website and I’m far too lazy to
re-type it all.)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">WINTER PARK, CO</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">COPPER MOUNTAIN RESORT, CO<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">ELDORA MOUNTAIN RESORT, CO<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">PALISADES TAHOE, CA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">MAMMOTH MOUNTAIN, CA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">JUNE MOUNTAIN, CA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">BIG BEAR MOUNTAIN RESORT, CA<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SNOW VALLEY, CA<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">STRATTON, VT <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SUGARBUSH RESORT, VT <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SNOWSHOE, WV<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">TREMBLANT, QC<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">BLUE MOUNTAIN, ON<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SOLITUDE MOUNTAIN RESORT, UT <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Now, I doubt he’s going to make a road trip to Sugarbush or
Tremblant, but the Colorado Rockies aren’t 100% out of the question for some motivated
college kids who are willing to skip a lot of classes.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But all that is irrelevant when you read the one on the list
that really matters – Palisades Tahoe. They changed the name to Palisades a
while back, but you might know it better by its old name - Squaw Valley. He
gets to go to Squaw Valley. Squaw! He’s only about 45 minutes away. They held
the Olympic Games there, for goodness sake.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And do you know what really frosts my fanny about this whole
thing? The price he paid. The IKON pass is expensive, and for good reason. But
they have a young adult discount if you’re under twenty-three. Then on top of
that they have a college student discount. And then on top of that, the Winter
Sports Club somehow managed to get a major discount on top of those as well.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">His IKON pass was less than I paid for his fifteen-year-old
brother’s pass at Sugar Bowl!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">College is ridiculous!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To make matters even more frosting for me, the pass also
entitles him to up to five days at these world-class resorts:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">STEAMBOAT, CO</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">ARAPAHOE BASIN, CO<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">BIG SKY RESORT, MT <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>KILLINGTON-PICO,
VT<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">WINDHAM MOUNTAIN, NY<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">THE HIGHLANDS, MI <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">BOYNE MOUNTAIN, MI <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">NEWALYESKA RESORT, AK <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">CRYSTAL MOUNTAIN, WA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">THE SUMMIT AT SNOQUALMIE, WA<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">MT. BACHELOR, OR <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SCHWEITZER, ID <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SKIBIG3, AB<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">REVELSTOKE MOUNTAIN RESORT, BC <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">CYPRESS MOUNTAIN, BC <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">RED MOUNTAIN, BC <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">PANORAMA, BC <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SUN PEAKS RESORT, BC <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SUNDAY RIVER, ME <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SUGARLOAF, ME <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">LOON MOUNTAIN, NH<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">BRIGHTON, UT<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SNOWBIRD, UT<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">NEWCAMELBACK RESORT, PA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">NEWBLUE MOUNTAIN RESORT, PA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">CHAMONIX MONT-BLANC VALLEY, FRANCE <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">DOLOMITI SUPERSKI, ITALY <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">GRANDVALIRA RESORTS, ANDORRA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">KITZBÜHEL, AUSTRIA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">ZERMATT MATTERHORN, SWITZERLAND <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">THREDBO, AUSTRALIA <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">MT BULLER, AUSTRALIA<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">CORONET PEAK, THE REMARKABLES & MT HUTT, NEW ZEALAND <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">NISEKO UNITED, JAPAN <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">LOTTE ARAI RESORT, JAPAN<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">VALLE NEVADO, CHILE<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">I mean, I don’t know anything about it, but how fun does
Dolomiti Superski in Italy sound? Am I right? And I don't even know where Andorra is, but I know I want to shred the Grandvalira! If I was him, I’d take my second
semester of college off and hitchhike with my snowboard. Just sayin’.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">His mom might be a little upset, but I’d high five him.
Privately, away from his mother, of course.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But here’s the part about all of this that really, REALLY
frosts me: When I called the people at IKON, no one there had heard of our new
UNR Winter Sports Club’s Parents Club, and they flatly refused to honor our 85%
discount.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The nerve.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2574462921015708685.post-80027167993327560212023-09-27T14:59:00.002-07:002023-09-27T14:59:28.353-07:00Caught in a Marketing Trap<p>They got me. I'm the sucker.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Build a better mousetrap,
and the world will beat a path to your door." I am a fan of his, because I
went to Ralph Waldo Emerson Junior High School in the ‘80s, where I also
learned he coined the phrases, "Gag me with a spoon,” “Take a chill pill,”
“Bros before hoes," and “Party hearty with Bacardi.” If you don’t believe
me, you can check my yearbooks.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, back to me being a sucker. There I was one day,
about three weeks ago, mindlessly spiraling down the Facebook rabbit hole when
I saw it. A better mousetrap.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Literally. It was an ad for an actual mousetrap.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The design was brilliant. Just a simple plastic lid that you
pop onto the top of a five-gallon bucket. The lid came with a little plastic ramp
the mice would happily climb to get to the delicious peanut butter I would spread
liberally on the underside of the little raised roof in the middle of the lid.
They would scamper toward the free meal only to find… what’s this? I foolishly
walked out onto an ingenious trap door that was cleverly hidden under the
little raised roof, and now I find myself in the bottom of this five-gallon
bucket, unable to get out. Woe is me!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The real-life footage in the ad was amazing. A black and
white time-lapse video from inside a barn showing mouse after hungry mouse
falling victim to the trap door prank. I saw so many mice fall into the bucket
in the short video that I was amazed they hadn’t figured out how to make a
mouse cheerleader pyramid to get back out.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was incredible! And so simple.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I immediately beat an internet path to their virtual door
and bought one from the random Chinese website linked in the ad. It was a
little over $20, and I waited patiently for it for about an hour before I went
to Amazon and found the same ones from a different Chinese mousetrap
conglomerate that were <i>two</i> for $20 and would arrive tomorrow.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I bought those, too. I mean, I have three buckets, and if
one amazing new mousetrap is good, three will be phenomenal.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Well… three weeks, $40, and two operational, peanut
butter-baited mousetraps later, I have captured exactly zero rodents of any
kind. I have one in the garage and one in the backyard by the shed, and I can
honestly tell you, they work as well indoors as they do outdoors.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Someone (<i>not</i> P.T. Barnum) once said, “There’s a
sucker born every minute.” I have proven that to be true recently.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And speaking of that old phrase, I just happen to be having
a special right now on the most amazing new trap door-style mousetraps. Check out the video! They’re
ingenious! Hurry though, because they’re moving fast. I only have three left in
stock.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They’re only $40 each!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">See you soon,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">-Smidge</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Your new favorite book is
from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/author/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">SmidgeBooks</span></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/schmatjen" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just a Smidge</span></a><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Smidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05597360137147985630noreply@blogger.com0