Just a Smidge

Wednesday, February 26, 2025

Just a Smidge has moved to Substack!

After 16+ years and 777 weekly humor posts, we have made a major move. We have abandoned our old, antiquated Blogspot home here and moved uptown to hang out with the cool kids over at Substack.

Check out our new place at https://smidgeajust.substack.com

Enter your email address and hit Subscribe - Your Wednesday Just a Smidge column will always be free!

Substack is a free service, and that's how you'll get your weekly dose of Just a Smidge from now on. (You can also choose a paid subscription for added content and features.)

Big love to all of you from headquarters!

See you soon, over at Substack,

-Smidge

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Know Your Place

On February 4^th I received the following email from everyone’s favorite energy company, PG&E, titled PGE Bill Adjustment.

Dear Valued Customer,

We are writing to let you know about a billing issue affecting your PG&E account number listed above. Your account was underbilled by $-1875.00. As part of our process, we review our billing operations to ensure that our customers are billed correctly, and during those reviews, we sometimes find a billing exception that may result in a bill adjustment.

If you recall – as my wife surely does – this summer I neglected to realize that our solar panel system breaker had tripped, causing our giant solar array to be nothing more than the world’s ugliest home improvement project for the hottest two and a half months of the year – possibly of the decade. This wonderful learning experience caused us to get a true-up bill this year that is so large it can be seen from space.

While PG&E is not willing to do anything crazy like print in bold at the top of your August bill, “HEY! YOU DIDN’T PRODUCE A SINGLE kWh LAST MONTH!”, they are willing to “work with you” after the fact in these breaker-tripping situations. They are graciously allowing me to pay them the true-up sum equal to the gross national product of Cuba in twelve equal payments with no interest.

Now, even though they know that they agreed to let me pay it over twelve months, they still list the gargantuan remaining total as my “bill amount” each month, as if I was in charge of lighting up lower Manhattan for the last thirty days.

So, since I’m used to seeing big numbers – numbers that don’t always fit on only one line of the bill – from them, when I received the above email, I didn’t fall directly out of my chair. I actually scoffed a little under my breath, like, “Is that all you got?”

Then I read it again and had to ask – myself, of course, not customer service… I mean, who can get a hold of those people? – what do you mean you “underbilled” my account by a negative number? Is that just a cute way of saying you overbilled me because you don’t want to actually say that?

And which is worse? Admitting you underbilled me or overbilled me? On the one hand, you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, but at least you get to take more of my money while I get even more frustrated and disappointed with you. On the other hand, you still look like an idiot, but I’m happier, but you have to give me money back. Tough call, there.

Then I thought about it more and laughed at myself for even thinking that through. This is PG&E. There’s no way they would ever admit they overbilled me! Ha ha ha. So silly.

Their nice email went on to say:

We have corrected the issue, and a bill adjustment will be reflected on your next statement. We apologize, and we are working to improve our billing system to prevent issues like this from affecting you in the future. You do not need to take any action at this time.

I guess you don’t HAVE to take any action at this time, but if your heart stopped working, or simply blew right out of your chest when you read their email, you may WANT to take some action involving dialing 9-1-1.

Anyway… on February 5^th – a whole day later – I received another email from them, entitled Correction to Previous eMail- PGE Bill Adjustment

Please disregard the previous email you received on February 4th 2025, regarding this bill adjustment. The amount as stated was incorrect. This notification contains the corrected bill adjustment for your account. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Dear Valued Customer,

We are writing to let you know about a billing issue affecting your PG&E account number listed above. Your account was underbilled by $-18.75. As part of our process, we review our billing operations to ensure that our customers are billed correctly, and during those reviews, we sometimes find a billing exception that may result in a bill adjustment.

So, let me get this straight, PG&E… You are working to improve your billing system, but you just sent out an email to, I’m assuming, a crap-ton of people, with a cardiac-event-inducing decimal place error? I mean, decimal place is second-grade stuff, fellas! Sounds like things are going great with the billing system improvement project.

Also, PG&E, just so you all know, the fact that you are having large-scale decimal place errors in a large-scale bill adjustment process does NOT give us, your customers, a sense of security that you are correctly tallying up all the kilowatts we’re using and sending you.

In fact, it really makes me wonder why you’re so willing to extend me the grace of a no-interest payment plan. Is that because you’re just not 100% sure I really owe you all that money in the first place?

Maybe it’s time to get the State of California in there to check up on you guys and sort this all out? Getting the government involved should clear things right up, right?

Ha! Oh, man, I crack myself up sometimes!

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, February 12, 2025

Mobile Dentistry?

I’m happy(?) to report that my family dental office has apparently merged with a major international airline.

I got an automated email this morning from West Village Family Dentistry, reminding me that I needed to schedule my next cleaning appointment. That was expected. What was not expected was the Lufthansa logo next to their name, or the Lufthansa logo prominently displayed in the main header area at the top of the email, with “Lufthansa” written next to it.

So, apparently, my small family dentist office in Rocklin, California has merged with Germany’s flagship carrier, the fourth largest airline in the world. This is an interesting development. I wonder who bought whom?

The email simply read:

Regular dental visits are crucial to maintaining a healthy smile and our records show that you are past due for a cleaning and exam. Request an appointment above and let us know what times work for a visit.

Hope to see you soon!

- Your Friends at West Village Family Dentistry

Oddly, there was no mention of the merger, or how it would affect my dental care options. There was also no mention of why Lufthansa’s impressive computer scheduling system didn’t know that I already have an appointment scheduled in April. Maybe all the Rocklin appointments got wiped out if there was already a flight scheduled at the same time when they integrated the two systems? That’s probably what happened.

Also conspicuously missing from the communication was any mention of the obvious changes I will encounter at my next visit. For instance, am I now required to arrive at my dental office two hours before my cleaning?

How does security work now? Do I need to bring a passport or a REAL ID to check in at the counter after May 7, 2025?

If they do the arms-over-your-head full body scan, will that double as my x-rays? Is that covered by insurance, or is that free?

If I have TSA PreCheck, do I need to wait in the waiting room with the commoners, or can I go directly to my dental chair?

If I purchased a Business Class cleaning, how will that differ from a First Class or Coach cleaning?

Will the dental chairs be replaced by more Lufthansa-ish seats? If so, will the little button on the arm rest recline my seat enough from its upright and locked position to allow them to work on my teeth?

Will getting into the new dental chairs now be called “boarding?”

Will a hygienist come by with a skinny cart and offer me complimentary water, soft drinks, and coffee? Will beer and wine be available for purchase? Will the drinks be delivered by my hygienist through the little sprayer nozzle?

How do the complimentary snacks work now? The little bags of pretzels and snack mix seem like they might work against the main goal of the appointment.

Will the new dental chairs now have seat belts and flotation devices built into the seat cushions?

How do the oxygen masks work in the event of a loss of office pressure during my visit? Will oxygen just be delivered via one of those hospital nose-hoses instead of a yellow mask and bag so they can keep working in my mouth? Also, the office ceilings are pretty high. Will the nose-hose be long enough, and do I still need to pull down to start the flow of oxygen?

As you can tell, at this point I’ve got more questions than answers about this merger.

I’m currently on hold with Lufthansa customer service to try to get some clarity.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

A Super Bowl Ring?

That’s right, sports fans. The big game is upon us! Super Sunday is this weekend.

(In case you didn’t know, the NFL copyrighted and trademarked the name Superbowl and/or Super Bowl a long time ago, so I’m not even allowed to write either of those, so I obviously never would.)

Regarding the upcoming Super Bowl, this is the fifth time the Kansas City Chiefs are playing in the big game in the last six years, and Sunday will be their third straight appearance.

People attribute the Chief’s success to a number of factors, including quarterback Patrick Mahomes, coach Andy Reid, and the fact that the multi-billion-dollar NFL’s officiating system somehow can’t get access at the New York play review office to the camera angles from the actual live broadcast the rest of the world is watching. On our regular TV’s in our regular homes.

But you Swifties out there know better than all that. You know who is carrying the team on his, broad, manly shoulders. Yes, our beloved number 87, Mr. Taylor Swift – the ever-so-dreamy Travis Kelce.

If Travis and the Chiefs win on Sunday, they will have accomplished something no other NFL team has ever done – having been handed a victory against the 49ers in overtime by a complete breakdown in the NFL officiating system the year prior to being the only team to be declared Super Bowl champion three years in a row. Amazing!

Is a third straight, record-setting ring in the cards? Well, that’s not the main question. Statistically speaking, since this is yet another Chiefs-Eagles game, the majority of people watching this game will be Taylor Swift fans, not NFL football fans. The rest of us just don’t care. So, going by majority rule, the MAIN question this year is, will there be an engagement ring?

OMG, how romantic and perfect would it be if the Chiefs win (obviously!!) and Travis gets down on one knee and proposes to our girl right there on the 50 line, or whatever it’s called!! I’ll bet the ring is going to be HUGE!!! OMG, I can’t even!!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s still four quarters of football to play, and Swift/Kelce/Mahomes/Reid and the officials can only do so much. So, the real question, Swifties, is IF the plan is to propose, is it like, totally not gonna happen if the Chiefs lose? I mean, obviously it would be, like, a total bummer if the Eagles cheat enough to beat the Chiefs, but what will that mean for our girl?? How will we have a nationally televised proposal at that point? OMG, I don’t even want to think about it.

Now, for you Swifties, we know that you have been watching an unprecedented amount of football since your girl started dating Travis, so just like last year, I thought we’d go over some football basics in case some of you newer or younger Swifties need a little help with the ins and outs of the gridiron.

We’ll break down a few football positions and terms, starting, of course, with Kelce’s position.

Tight End: Offense - The most important position, obviously, reserved for super-famous guys with tons of charisma. They line up on the end of the offensive line. Sometimes they catch passes. Most of the time they block people and date celebrities.

Cornerback: Defense – This is the guy who will be hassling Travis Kelce a lot.

Nickelback: Defense – A fifth defensive back used in the nickel formation to protect better against a passing offense. Also, a really solid rock band that gets a strangely unwarranted amount of hate on the internet.

Slot Back: Offense – Sort of like Travis Kelce’s position, but a little further back off the line of scrimmage. Don’t worry about this one. No one says slotback anymore.

Quarterback: Offense – Patrick Mahomes – the guy who never throws it to Travis Kelce when he is wide open, OMG!

Line of Scrimmage: The blue line. No one is allowed across this line until the center twitches the ball ever so slightly.

Center: Offense – The guy who gives the ball to Patrick Mahomes, so you can get mad at him for not throwing it to Travis Kelce who was wide open AGAIN, OMG!

Nose Tackle: Defense – The guy the center really doesn’t like very much.

Guard: Offence – Anyone over 300 pounds.

Tackle: 1) Offence & Defense – See “Guard” or 2) Getting the guy with the ball to touch the ground with some part of his body other than his hands or feet, while you are also touching him. This means he’s down, but down like the play is over, not down like first down.

Running Back: Offence - You will see Saquon Barkley, #26 for the “bad guys,” running with the ball a lot, hurtling Chiefs linebackers with insane, otherworldly athleticism, and scoring lots of touchdowns. He’s a running back. BTW, he just got engaged! Lucky!!

Fumble: What Saquon Barkley hardly ever does.

First Downs: What Saquon Barkley gets a lot of.

Safety: 1) Defense – The guy in charge of not letting the wide receivers catch the ball or 2) When the offence gets tackled in their own end zone, resulting in two points for the defense, and hopelessly screwing up the scoring for everyone’s Super Bowl pools.

Holding: Any time you grab someone who doesn’t have the ball, except when it’s OK.

Pass Interference: Any time a defender does anything at all that would prevent an eligible receiver from catching a forward pass, except for all the things the defender can do to try to catch the pass themselves, since all defensive players are eligible receivers, leading to the question, if I’m a defender trying to catch the ball, what if I put my hand up in front of the wide receiver’s face to catch it? Isn’t that a PI? Not even the NFL officials in New York know the answer.

Interception: Any time the defender catches the ball and doesn’t get called for pass interference.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct: The physical motions and words of the wide receiver after an interception with no pass interference called.

OK, I hope that helps if you were wondering about any of that stuff. As far as whether Travis will get a third straight ring, or Tay-Tay will get a first... we’ll just have to wait and see.

OMG, I’m so excited!!!

See you on Super Bowl Sunday,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

My Passport To and From Frustration

I am writing today to remind you, once again, that the people governing us are ridiculous. I’m not sure you needed that reminder so close after election season, but better safe than sorry.

I come to you today with a prime example of bureaucratic idiocracy, from the US Department of State – those fine folks in charge of our passports. If you are a long-time reader of this column, you may recall that this is not the first time I’ve been amazed by the Department of State. My issues go back as far as 2009, when they required us to have a passport for our baby.

I’ll ask again, passport geniuses, – if any child, regardless of age, is required to have a passport, how do you propose I get a passport for a baby under six weeks old? That’s right, I can’t.

Anyway… fast forward to last month and there we were – my sons (they are much taller now) and I (same height but different weight – I don’t want to talk about it) – at the City of Roseville passport office, getting the whole family renewed. My wife didn’t need to be there, because she and I were doing an “adult, existing passport renewal” which just requires new, incredibly flattering pictures and a ton of money, but can be done via mail.

The boys, on the other hand, were required to renew in person, because they were all going from five-year children’s passports to ten-year (praise the Lord) adult passports, even though Son Number Three is only sixteen. Trust me when I tell you I’m not even thinking about that part of this process that doesn’t make logical sense, because all of them having ten-year passports means that last month was the last time I will ever be involved in obtaining or paying for their passports again. I repeat, praise the Lord!

So, there we were, sliding all our paperwork under the bullet- and Covid-proof glass windows to our nice clerk, when she said, “and I’ll need ID’s for the two boys that are over 18.”

Now, as a rational human adult, I responded, “Yes, their old passports are there.”

We were in the office on December 20^th, 2024, renewing passports that had expired on December 9^th, 2024.

She informed me that they needed to provide a driver’s license or similar ID because expired passports can’t be used as identification for the Department of State, because they are expired.

… I stared through the glass for a few seconds…

When she didn’t say, “Just kidding,” I pointed out (in my head) that she was about to mail those same expired passports to that same Department of State as proof that the person on that expired passport exists and is allowed to have another non-expired passport, and that new non-expired passport that they would then send him would be accepted around the globe as the penultimate form of identification.

What I said out loud was, “Hmm, we might have an issue then, because Son Number Two didn't bring his wallet." She re-informed me that expired passports can’t be used as identification for the Department of State, because they are expired.

Now, keep in mind, they did not want to see Son Number Three’s driver’s license, even though he had it with him, because we wasn’t over 18. Instead, they needed to see me and his birth certificate – a document that does not have a picture of him.

When I asked if I could simply vouch for the fact that Son Number Two also belonged to me and was who he said he was, exactly like we were doing with Son Number Three, she informed me that she fully understood the situation, and that expired passports can’t be used as identification for the Department of State, because they are expired.

Anyway…

With some emergency calls and quick work by his mother, Son Number Two’s state-issued driver’s license, which will soon not be accepted as sufficient identification to get on an airplane, arrived and was used as proof that his expired passport was… something.

I honestly don’t know what.

All this being said, I will hand it to the Department of State for one thing. Our new passports are already here. It was pretty fast, by government standards.

All THAT being said, they arrived in a envelope with this return address:

U.S. Department of State

San Francisco Passport Agency

44132 Mercure Cir

PO Box 1143

Sterling, VA 20166-1143

Read that address as many times as you need to.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

An Open Letter to Walton Enterprises

Dear Walton Enterprises,

As your lawyers have probably informed you by now, you own both Walmart and Sam’s Club. Congratulations on that! Well played. That probably makes you a few bucks each month. Good for you!

As you may recall, last August I gave your Sam’s Club checkout tool, Scan & Go, a glowing recommendation. It’s a fabulous piece of technology that makes me actually look forward to shopping at your store. Again, congratulations on that!

I’m writing today, however, because of the insane dichotomy I’m experiencing recently between your two store brands. While Sam’s Club continues to be an absolute shopping joy, Walmart seems to be sliding the other direction at break-neck speed.

As I mentioned back in August, you still seem to be positioning people who want to check my receipt at the exits of your Walmarts. While that is sensible and necessary for your Sam’s Club Scan & Go system, it’s just flat-out annoying at Walmart, where I have already unpacked and repacked my cart at the checkout. So, no, I’m not stopping again and retrieving my receipt out of my wallet so the person at the door has something to do.

But apparently, your Walmart self-checkout monitors, your actual checkers, and that person on the stool by the door can’t seem to stem the tide of Walmart shoplifters. I assume that’s the reason you seem to be locking up all the merchandise?

Which brings me to the reason for my letter to you today. The locks. I noticed it starting a few years ago. And don’t get me wrong, I understand the glass doors and locks on the small hand tools. But even back then, when the only things you were putting behind locked glass were the tools and small expensive electronics, it wasn’t always easy to find someone with the key.

Fast forward to today and you are completely out of control. Now it seems that every aisle has something behind glass, and I dare you – I double dare you – to find an employee within 700 feet of what you’d like to buy. And if you do, I’ll personally give you $100 if they actually have the key. It’s like going to a store that’s closed, so all you can do is peer in the window at the things you wish you could have.

I was in my local Walmart on Monday and you had a locked glass door protecting the laundry detergent. The laundry soap!! Why are you making it hard to buy soap? Has fabric softener become a hot item for the thieves? How in the hell is anyone shoplifting a two-gallon jug of Tide?

I went to automotive. You locked up the antifreeze. It’s an eleven-dollar jug of neon-green liquid. Again, same question as the Tide. What the hell??

But probably the craziest thing I saw – and I’m including all the other Walmart shoppers in that – was the locked glass door in front of the socks.

THE SOCKS!

I didn’t bother to check, but how much could your most expensive, high-end pair of socks actually retail for? A dollar sixty-eight? What’s the matter with you? Mind you, the boot display was wide open for me to put my hands all over – and my feet in – as many pairs of work and casual boots as I pleased, but there was no way you were going to let me anywhere near those high-dollar socks without the help and watchful eye of a completely non-existent employee.

Seriously?? Who are you worried about? Based on the number of employees who work there versus the miniscule number of them that were trusted with a key, I almost think you’re trying to keep them away from the merchandise as much as you are me.

I’m no fortune teller, but this situation doesn’t require such mystical powers. It’s very easy to see where this is headed. Now, I understand why you haven’t implemented the Scan & Go system at your Walmart stores. It’s a largely different shopper demographic than your Sam’s Club stores. Many of your Walmart regulars might not have access to a smartphone, or the ability to find and use the app, or even all their teeth.

But you need to figure something else out, because the glass door road is a dead end. The way I see it, you have only two choices going forward. Either take down the glass barriers that are keeping us from doing our sock and detergent shopping, or hire two hundred more employees at each location so we can all have our own personal key bearer.

If you don’t do one of those things soon, the only people you’re going to have left “shopping” at your stores are the shoplifters. Again, I’m no expert, but that doesn’t seem like a sustainable business model.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Happy New Year?

I see you! You’re out there making it happen. You’re excited about the new year. You have goals and resolutions. You’re working out again. You have almost finished all the Christmas candy. Good for you!

But there might be one thing you’re doing out there that needs to get reined in a little. As such, I’d like to once again review our standard nationwide protocols when it comes to saying, “Happy New Year.”

As a general rule, you’re pretty safe just shotgunning “Happy New Year” out into the world until around the 10th of January. With friends and family, you’ve got a much more relaxed timeline, depending on the first time you see or talk to them after New Year’s Eve. A close family member or a really good friend can comfortably receive a HNY well into January.

With work, you’ll want to keep the 10th in mind as a good guideline. Even before the 10th, however, you’ll need to exercise caution in the workplace. Hopefully you took heed after we reviewed this last year and have already done so. If not, listen up!

It can be a major business faux pas to wish the same colleague a HNY more than once in the office or on a Zoom call. Similarly, wishing a client or vendor a HNY for a second time on a call can lead to awkwardness. You’ll either want to keep a list of all the people you’ve wished a HNY to, or have an earlier cut-off date.

I would suggest the earlier cut-off date, since someone else finding your list can lead to more awkwardness during your embarrassing explanation, or a trip to HR if you refuse to give a plausible one. It makes people very nervous when Bob in accounting has an unexplained list of officemates with some of the names crossed off.

If you are on the receiving end of an embarrassingly late or doubled-up HNY at the office, you have a few options. You can go with the friendly, casual, “Right back atcha,” or the more formal, “And also with you,” combined with a reverent tilted head nod. Whatever happens, try your best not to embarrass the ill-timed HNY’er. Maintain decorum, plow forward with the conversation, then casually send them this column a few days later.

Wishing a HNY to the clerk at the grocery store, the person behind the counter at the coffee place, or your server at a restaurant needs to end right around the 4th or so. You might still be in the holiday mood and want to be friendly and wish them a HNY, but they’ve had the HNY exchange six thousand times by then and they’re just done with it, so have a heart and let them off the hook.

If you’re a friendly sort, and like to wish random passersby on the street a HNY, stick with the 10th as your guideline. Anything past that and it’s getting strange. If you want to say HNY at the end of January, it better be to your immediate family members, and even then they’re going to think you’re being weird.

And for the love of Pete, under no circumstances should a HNY come out of your mouth or land in a text or email after January has ended. This is the official, 100%, no wiggle room, cease and desist, cut-off day. February is a strict HNY no-fly zone.

No one wants to hear it by then. It’s cold, many people have started their taxes, and soon we’ll all have to figure out what to do about Valentine’s Day.

Happy New Year!

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, January 8, 2025

About the Author - 2025

Here at Just a Smidge, we like to start the new year off with a little meet and greet, since we continue to gain new readership each and every year. The Just a Smidge family of readers grew by leaps and bounds in 2024. Thanks to both of you for joining us! Let’s get to know each other, shall we?

Hi. I’m Marc Schmatjen, aka Smidge, and I’m the lone staff writer and chief Traeger operator here at Just a Smidge. Based on how much money I make writing this column, it would be highly inaccurate to call this one of my jobs, so let’s just go with “hobby.”

I am a fifty-two-year-old husband of one, father of three, and legal custodian of one Labrador retriever. We affectionately refer to our boys as Son Number One, Two, and Three. Number Three is still here at the house, being loud and eating everything in sight. We have successfully relocated the other two to college, where they are no doubt loud and eat everything in sight, but we don’t have to be involved. The state says we have to keep Number Three here until he’s allowed to go to college, so we continue to wear ear plugs and make near daily trips to the grocery store.

My wife is an amazing woman who teaches math to teenage high school kids, and, since we have teenagers ourselves whom I have spent a considerable amount of time with, I am constantly amazed that she is able to maintain her sanity. (I am using “sanity” on a relative scale here. She’s human, after all.)

Anyway, enough about my wife and kids. Let’s talk more about me. Here are twenty other things that you should probably know about me, in no particular order:

1) I would be at my ideal weight if I were seven to nine inches taller.

2) My grandfather killed General Patton's dog. That is the single most historically significant thing anyone in my family has done.

3) Walking out into bright sunlight makes me sneeze. I am one of only an estimated seven people in the world with this disorder. We have a club. I inherited this trait from my grandmother, whose husband once killed General George Patton’s dog.

4) I am distantly related to U.S. president Grover Cleveland on my maternal grandmother’s side, whose husband (my grandmother’s, not Grover Cleveland’s) - I believe I may have mentioned this - killed General George S. Patton’s beloved English bull terrier, Willie.

5) Dave Barry is my humor column hero, and I hope to be as cool as him someday, although his grandfather wasn’t connected in any way to General Patton’s dog, as far as I know, so I’ve got that going for me.

6) Toilet paper should come off the top of the roll. I’m not stating that as a personal preference, but simply as a fact.

7) We have three teenage boys with driver’s licenses. Eighty-five percent of our take-home income goes to insurance companies.

8) I got a Traeger grill for Christmas this year, so the other fifteen percent of our income is now going toward artisanal hardwood pellets and the butcher. I regret nothing.

9) My three favorite flavors are burnt pepperoni, slightly burnt bacon, and well-toasted sesame seeds. Basically, if it has caught on fire, I want to eat it. Except for my s’more marshmallows. Those should only be browned.

10) I was in shape once. I swam 100,000 yards in one week when I was in high school. (That’s 57 miles, for you English majors). I could not swim more than 57 yards today without needing a floatation device, an oxygen tank, and a defibrillator. See number 11.

11) I love chocolate and bacon. See number 1.

12) I constantly get my left and right mixed up. This makes driving directions with my wife fun.

13) I am a recovering engineer, so I know there are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

14) My favorite joke of all time is: A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but underwear made out of Saran wrap. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

15) After a twenty-one-year hiatus, I began snowboarding again four years ago with our boys. So far [sound of me knocking on every wooden surface I can find] I have not hurt myself. This could be my most impressive athletic feat to date, and I once swam 57 miles in a week.

16) I like most foods (see number 10), but I have a deep, abiding hatred for cantaloupe. If bacon is a 10, cantaloupe is a negative 3000.

17) I once pointed out that Van Gogh’s “girlfriend” was actually a prostitute during a fifth-grade art docent lesson. It was not helpful to anyone involved.

18) My absolute favorite thing that has ever happened on this earth – and that includes my marriage and the birth of my children – was when the Oregon State Highway Division tried to disintegrate a dead whale with a half-ton of dynamite in 1970. I wasn’t around yet, but thankfully they had video cameras back then. (Just Google “Oregon Exploding Whale.”)

19) I hope to one day be in charge of detonating something as large as a dead whale, but so far, my wife has not let me.

20) I only type with three of my ten fingers, so this is all very impressive, if you stop and think about it.

So, there you have it, folks. You now know everything you need to know about me. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming next week.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, January 1, 2025

2024 - A Spacey Year in Review

Whelp, 2024 was there, and then it stayed around for what seemed like an unusually long time, and now it’s gone. Let’s review, shall we?

January:

We start the year with a huge bombshell from Denmark when Margrethe II formally abdicates as Queen of Denmark on the 52nd anniversary of her accession. Her eldest son Frederik succeeds her as King Frederik X. It remains unclear if the “X” is meant to be a 10, or just some kind of cool rapper thing.

Japan becomes the fifth country to achieve a soft landing on the Moon, with its SLIM mission. The world asks, “Just how soft was this landing? And also, what does SLIM stand for?” Japan can not be reached for comment.

We end the month of January with another monarchy shocker when Sultan of Johor Ibrahim Iskandar ascends the throne as the 17th Yang di-Pertuan Agong of Malaysia. I’m not making that up. All of that actually means something in Malaysia, I’m told.

February:

Super Bowl LVIII is played in Las Vegas, where a record number of bets were placed on whether or not Taylor Swift would get to do the kickoff, or at least one of the extra points. Sadly, she couldn’t make the game. The referees, aided by the Kansas City Chiefs, were able to beat the San Francisco 49ers, 25-22 in overtime. The game breaks two records – it becomes the most-watched television program in history, with an estimated 123.4 million viewers, and shatters the record for most network camera shots of a luxury box during a football game.

American company Intuitive Machines' Nova-C lander becomes the first commercial vehicle to land on the Moon. It is unclear why. The landing was notably harder than the Japanese landing in January, since the Nova-C came down directly on top of the SLIM lander, completely crushing it. Japan sues Taylor Swift.

March:

Sweden becomes the final Nordic country to join NATO, becoming its 32nd member after Finland a year earlier. A NATO spokesperson was quoted as saying, “Finally, we can get something done! Now we just have to figure out what we do.”

The 96th Academy Awards air on ABC. Oppenheimer leads all nominees in overall wins with seven awards. Viewers agree that it was a good movie, but question if we really needed to see that guy from Peaky Blinders naked so much. Or even at all.

The Artificial Intelligence Act, the world's first comprehensive legal and regulatory framework for artificial intelligence, is passed by the European Union. ChatGPT immediately un-passes it and disbands the European Union.

Incumbent Vladimir Putin is reelected for a fifth term in the Russian presidential election. Newscasters around the world struggle to keep their hands on the desk and not put air quotes on “election” when reporting the story.

April:

A powerful earthquake with a magnitude of 7.4 strikes off the eastern coast of Taiwan, with small tsunamis reaching heights of 8–12 inches, hitting Okinawa Prefecture, Japan. This leads to many questions, including, “Isn’t a ‘small tsunami’ just called a wave?” and “What the hell is a Prefecture?”

The 2024 general election begins in India on April 19th.

A total solar eclipse is visible across North America, and we all learn a new term – The Path of Totality. Shattering the previous record, the path of totality causes as many as nine people to wish they lived in Arkansas.

May:

The Eurovision Song Contest 2024 is held in Malmö, Sweden, prompting many people, including attendees to ask, “We’re still doing this?” Swiss contestant Nemo wins with the song "The Code," which should be in the Top 40 any day now.

A series of solar storms and intense solar flares impact the Earth, rated G5 by NOAA. It is unclear if G5 means you don’t have to light the BBQ to cook a burger, which would be good information. The event creates aurorae at more southerly and northerly latitudes than usual. This allows Son Number Two to see and photograph the Northern Lights in Boise, Idaho, which angers his mother, whom has never seen them herself.

Former United States President Donald Trump is found guilty on 34 counts in his hush money trial, the first time any American president has been found guilty of a crime. Bill and Hillary Clinton breathe a collective sigh of relief about that fact.

June:

The 2024 Indian general election, which began on April 19^th, concludes on June 1^st. Americans agree that while that seems long, it still sounds shorter than one of ours.

The Starliner Crewed Flight Test launches atop an Atlas V rocket enroute to the International Space Station, but veers off course and ends up landing, not at all softly, on the Nova-C’s moon lander, which is still on Japan’s SLIM lander. American company Intuitive Machines, owner of the Nova-C, sues Sweden for continuing the Eurovision Song Contest.

The last episode of Wheel of Fortune with Pat Sajak as host airs. Sajak had hosted the show since 1981, the longest tenured game show host in U.S. history. Vanna White is reportedly looking for part-time work until she can secure another game show gig.

With a mid-year monarchy bombshell, on the Grand Duke's Official Birthday, Henri, Grand Duke of Luxembourg, announces that his son and heir Guillaume will assume royal duties beginning in October, in preparation for Henri's eventual abdication. People in Luxembourg were shocked, while people outside Luxembourg searched for it on the map but were, as always, unsuccessful in locating it.

July:

Hurricane Beryl becomes the earliest Category 5 hurricane on record after devastating the island of Carriacou, Grenada. People across America ask, “Don't we own Grenada?” No one has a good answer.

While campaigning for the 2024 United States presidential election, former President Donald Trump is shot in the right ear in an assassination attempt at a rally held near Butler, Pennsylvania. When questioned, his Secret Service detail said, “That was a total shock. We never thought to check or monitor that building and its roof. Yes, that one that’s just right there.”

Incumbent United States President Joe Biden ends his candidacy in the 2024 United States presidential election after realizing that his Secret Service and Trump’s Secret Service are the same Secret Service.

The 2024 Summer Olympics kick off July 26^th in Paris, France. As a precautionary measure, all the athletes are held on boats and kept away from the opening ceremonies for their own safety.

August:

Twenty-six individuals are released from Ankara Esenboğa Airport in the largest prisoner exchange between the United States and Russia since the Cold War. Ankara is the capital of Turkey, which we learned during the Olympics is now supposed to be pronounced Tunisia.

The 2024 Summer Olympics come to a close on August 11^th. The athletes’ boats are finally allowed to dock on August 12^th so they can catch their flights home.

September:

The Brazilian Supreme Court upholds a decision to block the social media platform X (also known as MySpace) over what the Brazilian government determined to be rampant disinformation and Elon Musk's failure to name a legal representative to the country. Elon Musk responds by purchasing Brazil, firing the supreme court, and renaming the country Turkiye.

The 42nd season of Wheel of Fortune premieres with talk show host Ryan Seacrest taking over for Pat Sajak as the host. Vanna White is now the host of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. She will reportedly walk alternately from one end of Times Square to the other, manually lowering the ball.

The first commercial spacewalk is conducted by entrepreneur Jared Isaacman as part of the Polaris Dawn mission, which also includes the highest altitude orbit by a human crew since the Apollo program. America responds by saying, “Umm… why?” The Polaris Dawn suffers a re-entry vector miscalculation and lands on top of the Starliner Crewed Flight, still attached to its Atlas V rocket. Jared Isaacman sues the Turkiye supreme court.

Together again for the first time since 2010, rock band Jane's Addiction cuts a Boston show short when frontman Perry Farrell gets into an actual fight on stage – during a song! – with his own guitarist Dave Navarro. The band cancels the remainder of their shows as a result of the melee, citing the state of Farrell's mental health. When pressed for details, the band revises the statement to read, “the state of Farrell’s longstanding and insane – like holy crap – drug habit.”

October:

The long-period comet C/2023 A3 (Tsuchinshan–ATLAS), described as the "comet of the century", makes its closest approach to Earth. Unfortunately, it slams into the moon, making direct impact with the Polaris Dawn atop the pile of other space wreckage, obliterating all of it, including the moon.

SpaceX sends up Starship, the biggest and most powerful rocket ever to fly. It avoids a certain collision with the now-missing moon, and as a result, SpaceX is also able to achieve the first successful return and capture of a Super Heavy booster. When questioned, Elon Musk told reporters he hires his engineers for their technical prowess, not for their rocket or booster naming abilities.

The Europa Clipper spacecraft is launched to investigate Europa, an icy moon of Jupiter. It hits Starship instead and the mangled wreckage of both is now orbiting where the moon used to be.

In the World Series that no one wanted to see, the Los Angeles Dodgers defeat the New York Yankees in five games. Freddie Freeman is awarded the Willie Mays Most Valuable Player due to his grand slam walk-off during Game 1, a first in World Series history. Sadly, the great Willie Mays had passed away earlier in 2024, but that mercifully saves him from having to see his award go to a Dodger.

November:

Donald Trump is elected for a second non-consecutive term as President, the first candidate to do so since Grover Cleveland in 1892, and only the second in American history. He is, however, the first to do so after being convicted of a crime, but no one seems to know how that works. His first act as President-Elect is to hire the Jane's Addiction roadies as his new Secret Service.

Researchers using the Very Large Telescope announce the first-ever "close-up" image of a star outside the Milky Way Galaxy. SpaceX engineers are rumored to have been in charge of naming of the device.

In the world’s only no-punch boxing match, super-idiot fragrance magnate Jake Paul defeats super-old glove biter Mike Tyson in an 8-round bout that seemed to move slower than an election in India.

December:

Indian chess prodigy Gukesh Dommaraju defeats former world champion Ding Liren in the 2024 World Chess Championship, breaking the previous age record of 22 set by Garry Kasparov by becoming champion at 18 years, 195 days old. He could have done it at 18 years, 3 days old, but he was busy voting in the Indian election.

And in a record-breaking end to the year, the Gukesh Dommaraju of Sun research vessels – the Parker Solar Probe – smashes the previous mark set in 2018 for the closest artificial object to the Sun by 3.8 million miles, becoming the closest and first man-made object to approach and "touch" the Sun. Amazingly, using SpaceX engineer’s technology, they are able to return and capture the Probe, but sadly, it lands squarely on the Very Large Telescope. Dave Navarro sues Perry Farrell.

Happy New Year, y’all!

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, December 25, 2024

My Two Favorite Christmas Stories

On this glorious Christmas day, I thought I’d share my two favorite Christmas stories. The first one is the original, which is not very poetic, but it reminds us what we’re actually celebrating. The second one is an epic poem written a couple thousand years later, meant to serve as a humorous and gentle reminder of the exact same thing – what we’re celebrating today.

Enjoy!

Luke Chapter 2, 1-20

Christ Born of Mary

1 And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. 2 This census first took place while Quirinius was governing Syria. 3 So all went to be registered, everyone to his own city.

4 Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, 5 to be registered with Mary, his betrothed wife, who was with child. 6 So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. 7 And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Glory in the Highest

8 Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. 10 Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. 11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”

13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

14 “Glory to God in the highest,

And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”

15 So it was, when the angels had gone away from them into heaven, that the shepherds said to one another, “Let us now go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they came with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the Babe lying in a manger. 17 Now when they had seen Him, they made widely known the saying which was told them concerning this Child. 18 And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds. 19 But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 Then the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told them.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

By Dr. Seuss

Every Who Down in Who-ville Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Grinch,

who lived just north of Who-ville,

did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,

whatever the reason,

his heart or his shoes,

he stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,

staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown

at the warm lighted windows below in their town.

For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath,

was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For,

Tomorrow, he knew…

…all the Who girls and boys

would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast!

And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast beast.

Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,

would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!

And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Grinch thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,

the more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"

"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"

"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!

…But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"

"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."

The Grinch looked around.

But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Grinch…?

No! The Grinch simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread,

and he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

THEN He loaded some bags and some old empty sacks,

on a ramshackle sleigh and he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,

toward the homes where the Whos Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.

All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

when he came to the first little house on the square.

"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Claus hissed,

and he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.

But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.

He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.

Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue

where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.

"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

around the whole room, and he took every present!

Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!

Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,

stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!

He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Who-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,

When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!

Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who daughter,

who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.

She stared at the Grinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,”

"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,

he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,

"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."

"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear."

"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,

and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.

And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,

HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire!

Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that he left in the house,

was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then he did the same thing to the other Whos' houses

leaving crumbs much too small for the other Whos' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn... all the Whos, still a-bed,

all the Whos, still a-snooze when he packed up his sled,

packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!

The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,

he rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!

"Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,

Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville! The Grinch popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,

was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,

stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"

"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!"

"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."

"Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!"

And what happened then…? Well... in Who-ville they say,

that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,

and he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!

And he…

…HE HIMSELF…! The Grinch carved the roast beast!

Merry Christmas, to all, and to all a good night!

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

The 2024 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

You fool! You’ve done it again, haven’t you? St. Nick is heading down the chimney in a week and you’ve forgotten to write your Christmas letter. Typical.

I mean, if you somehow managed to get it in the mail today and post-date it so you don’t look like the slacker that you are, there’s still a chance – albeit elfin in size – that the USPS can get it to your loved ones (and all the rest of the people on that list) before the yule log burns out.

But that leaves you no time to actually get a coherent letter written to put in those envelopes. Is this a hopeless mess? Of course! I mean, it would be if it wasn’t for your old pal Smidgey Claus.

Once again, I’ve got you covered. I have created the 2024 Universal DIY Christmas Letter Grid, just for you. Simply pick one item from each column in order to string together a sentence that captures the essence of your 2024. Repeat as needed to fully recap this wacky ride of a year.

Now, get to it. There’s no time to lose.

COLUMN 1	COLUMN 2	COLUMN 3	COLUMN 4

We lost	container ships	in	the Opening Ceremonies.
We got delayed by	Simone Biles	after	the Eras Tour.
We opened	Boeing 737 doors	during	Tyson vs. Paul.
We cried about	AI	in the middle of	men’s pommel horse.
We prayed for	Caitlin Clark	since	the leap year.
We marveled at	Elon Musk	prior to	an unscheduled rapid decompression.
We pardoned	CrowdStrike	from	exploding pagers.
We gained	Steven Nedoroscik	in the face of	the election.
We worried about	Trump vs. Harris	throughout	the Baltimore Key bridge collapse.
We abandoned	the Kansas City Chiefs	despite	the flooding.
We lived without	Cybertrucks	before	a Microsoft Windows update.

There you go. Now add a “Merry Christmas,” sign, and send. You’re all set.

No need to thank me. It’s just what I do. Now crack open another bottle of your favorite holiday cheer, put your feet up, and let’s see what 2025 has in store for us, shall we?

Merry Christmas, y’all!

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

Eggnog?

Yes, it’s that time of year again, when the debate rages around the yule log, merry and bright – is it spelled “eggnog” or “egg nog?” One word or two?

While you argue amongst yourselves, I thought I’d share my foolproof recipe for this traditional holiday beverage.

Ingredients:

6 large egg yolks

3/4 cup sugar

2 cups milk

2 whole cloves

Pinch cinnamon

1 cup heavy cream

1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg (lightly packed)

1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

4 egg whites

Your favorite bourbon whiskey

Instructions:

Gather together all the ingredients except the bourbon, and find a large saucepan. Throw all of the gathered ingredients into the trash and use the saucepan to defend yourself against anyone attempting to give you eggnog. Pour the bourbon over ice and enjoy with or without regular Coca-Cola. Your choice!

Eggnog, as the name explicitly states, contains eggs as a primary ingredient. You are not Rocky Balboa. Eggs are not a beverage. They are meant to be eaten with bacon and used to make cookies and cakes. They are basically snot until cooked, and therefore it should be obvious to anyone not to drink them.

Eggnog was invented long ago during a horrific drought and ensuing bourbon shortage, by some very poor, very uneducated peasants. It remains unclear if the dairy cows were underproducing due to the drought, or the peasants just got bored with the straight cows’ milk. What is perfectly clear is that these foolish people did something unspeakable – they added raw eggs to their milk.

When the drought was over and other people heard about what they had done, the egg-sucking peasants tried to save face by pretending it was a good idea and adding bourbon to make it a “festive” holiday drink. In reality, they were just trying to get drunk and forget they were drinking eggs.

We’re better than that. Let’s not perpetuate this horrible mistake onto another unsuspecting generation. Stop the madness. Keep your children safe.