Well, what a year, huh? Was 2022 a good year? Yes. Was it a
bad year? Yes. I think at this point, we’re all just a little dazed and
wondering what the hell just happened. Let’s recap, shall we?
Unlike the mini attempted coup of the U.S. government that
we began 2021 with, 2022 starts with some good news. On January 10th
the first successful heart transplant from a pig to a human patient takes place
in Baltimore, Maryland. Phil Krazinski, the pig heart recipient, is quoted in
the recovery room as saying, “They put a what in me? I thought they said
a big heart.”
Australia thinks they have pulled a fast one after deporting
the world’s number one tennis champion, Novak Djokovic, just ahead of the
Australian Open due to his COVID vaccination status. In his health survey,
Djokovic apparently checked the box marked “I’m over twelve years old, and therefore
medically independent under HIPAA rules, so you can kiss my ass.” Unfortunately,
Australia’s hopes for a home team victory are dashed when some fully-vaccinated
foreigner named Nadal wins instead.
Cryptocurrency has a wild year. Bitcoin – the world’s most
popular and stable of the completely unstable, based-on-absolutely-nothing,
make-believe cryptocurrencies – starts January down a whopping 50% from its
high in October of 2021. One piece of Bitcoin is only worth $38,000 at the
start of the year. However, that’s up 39,900% from its value of $95 in 2013,
which makes sense, because Bitcoin’s value has gone up because it went up in
value, based on its overall value increasing, due to valuation.
The 2022 Winter Olympics commences in Beijing, China, making
Beijing the first city ever to host both the Summer and Winter Olympics. All
the major governments of the world decided to give it to them, in exchange for
continuing to manufacture of all our cheap crap on Amazon, despite the fact
that Beijing is a terrible place to have the Winter Olympics, because they get
one inch of snow every three years. Those crazy kids make it work, though, managing
to rack up another “first” along the way. The 2022 Winter Olympics is the first
time all the ski and snowboard events are held on a mountain of Styrofoam and
plastic chips instead of actual snow.
The biggest breakthrough in fusion energy since 1997 is
reported at the Joint European Torus in Oxford, England. They apparently produced
59 megajoules over five seconds, which is 11 megawatts of power, and more than
doubled the previous record. This had the whole world asking the same question –
watt did you guys do, and why did you use a Torus? A Ferrari seems like it
would have been a cooler choice.
Gas prices begin to rise in February, with grim predictions
for a stop to the increases, causing the whole world to ask, “When will that Torus
fusion thing be ready?”
Russia declares war on Ukraine. Russian Self-Elected President
Vladimir Putin is interviewed while signing the declaration of war, saying, “This
is not a declaration of anything at all. Especially not war. I’m just filling
out my grocery list.”
In an emergency session, United Nations member states pass a
resolution deploring Russia's invasion of Ukraine and calling for the immediate
withdrawal of its forces. In response, Putin is quoted as saying, “Those guys
The US and UK announce a ban on Russian oil, while the European
Union takes an even firmer stance, announcing a two-thirds reduction in its
demand for Russian gas. Reportedly, not a single leader from the US, UK, or EU ever
once says, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t be relying on getting our really critical stuff
from countries run by total psychos.”
Researchers in the Antarctic announce they have found The Endurance,
one of the greatest undiscovered shipwrecks ever, which sank in 1915. The skipper,
intrepid Irish adventurer and explorer Ernest Shackleton, is found treading
water above the wreck, chewing on a piece of seal blubber. Upon seeing the
researchers, he is quoted as saying, “Jolly good show, gents. Glad you could
make it. I’d love a glass of whiskey if you happen to have one.”
Elon Musk buys nine percent of Twitter on the open stock
market, causing millions of investors to ask, “Is there a closed stock market
you’re not telling us about?” Musk then offers to buy Twitter outright for six
gazillion dollars, or four Bitcoin. Twitter employees publicly freak out about
it, mostly on Facebook, citing concerns about losing their relaxed, three-hour
Global food prices increase to their highest level since the
UN's Food Price Index began in 1990. To put that in layman’s terms, one non-medical-grade
pig heart now costs three Bitcoin.
The Russian flagship Moskva becomes the largest warship to
be sunk in action since World War II. Ukraine claims to have nailed it with
Neptune anti-ship missiles, while Putin claims, “It did not sink. It’s a
submarine. We just didn’t tell you.”
Average gas prices in the US reach $4.50/ounce.
The Large Hadron Collider recommences full operations, after
being down for three years for upgrades. The first two things to be collided
are a Torus and a Ferrari.
The European Union accuses Russia of blackmail after gas
supplies to Poland and Bulgaria are halted by Russian energy giant Gazprom.
Putin is quoted as saying, “I mean, those guys are just adorable! Adorable, I
Elon Musk’s Twitter purchase is put on hold due to a discrepancy
in the reported number of bots operating on the platform, and the unfortunate dip
in Bitcoin’s value. One Bitcoin is now worth seventy-five cents.
Vladimir Putin is interviewed while literally shooting a
shoulder-fired missile across the border into Ukraine, saying, “This? This is
not missile. It’s rocket-propelled tennis ball. I’m playing fetch with my dog. Dog
Tens of people tune into the annual Eurovision Song Contest
in Turin, Italy. In what is clearly a pity vote, the winner is Ukrainian
folk-rap group Kalush Orchestra with their song "Stefania," which
literally translates to “Swine Heart.”
Canada and Denmark finally end their competing claims for
Hans Island by dividing the island roughly in half, ending what was referred to
as the Whisky War. The residents of Hans Island respond by saying, “Like hell
this is over! Send more whiskey!”
On the only day since February that worked for everyone’s
schedule, G7 leaders meet for a summit in Germany to discuss the situation in
Ukraine. A ban on imports of Russian gold is announced. “Just so damned
adorable!” was Russia’s official response.
Bitcoin rebounds from $0.75 to $78,000.
The 2022 World Games are held in Birmingham, Alabama, prompting
the world to ask, “What are the World Games?”
The first operational image from the James Webb Space
Telescope is revealed to the public, showing a really, really close-up view of Novak
Djokovic flipping off Australia.
The European Central Bank raises its key interest rate for
the first time in more than eleven years, from minus 0.5 percent to six
Average gas prices in the US reach $8.00/dram.
Vladimir Putin is interviewed while literally driving a tank
into the Ukrainian city of Kharkiv and shooting at a building. He can be heard
saying, “What? This is just my car. I’m remodeling my apartment. Where is
Ukraine, anyway? Never heard of it.”
China conducts its largest ever military exercise around
Taiwan in response to a controversial visit by Nancy Pelosi, the
highest-ranking U.S. official to visit Taiwan since the 1990s. Elon Musk came
with her and offered to buy Taiwan if the Twitter thing fell through.
Gasoline is officially tied to the price of Bitcoin, and
rises to an average price of $46,000/gallon.
The G7 leaders finally wrap up their June summit and spa
retreat and agree to impose a price cap on Russian petroleum exports. Putin
responds with a heart and a hug emoji.
Queen Elizabeth II dies at Balmoral Castle in Scotland at
the age of 96. After a royal drawing of the straws, her son Charles III
succeeds her as King. Prince Andrew could not be located to give a statement. At
a ceremony at St. James's Palace in London, Charles III is officially
proclaimed King of the United Kingdom and of the Commonwealth realms, which
entitles him to an $8.50 raise and all the fish and chips he can eat.
The state funeral of Elizabeth II is held in Westminster
Abbey, London. The funeral is speculated to be the most watched television
event in world history, which angers Vladimir Putin.
In retaliation for the world’s insolence, Putin threatens
nuclear action against Ukraine, saying, "This is not a bluff,” only he
said it in Russian, so it sounded totally different.
Shortly afterward, NASA's DART crashes into the asteroid
Dimorphos in the first test of potential planetary defense, leading many to ask
the obvious question, “Why didn’t we just aim that thing at Putin?”
Hurricane Ian slams into the eastern United States and Cuba,
causing catastrophic damage and leaving millions without power, including the
entire nation of Cuba. But let’s be honest – the week prior, someone ran a
moped into a light pole and left the entire nation of Cuba without power, so
that’s a tough one to measure.
OPEC, hearing that global gas prices were hurting the
average family, helpfully imposes a production cut of up to 2 million barrels
per day. Banks begin mortgage programs for gas fill-ups, with convenient at-pump
The 20th National Congress of the Chinese Communist Party is
held. Xi Jinping is elected as General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party
by the Central Committee, beginning a third term as the paramount leader of
China. And by “elected,” we mean in the most open, transparent, and legitimate
of ways. Thank you, Supreme Exalted General Secretary Jinping, for continuing
to bless the world with your inexpensive and incredibly well-made products.
Elon Musk completes his 34-Bitcoin acquisition of Twitter.
Taiwan is thrown in as a bonus. Twitter employees find out they have to actually
start working. Many at McDonald’s.
Vladimir Putin expands invasion plans to include Taiwan, Westminster
Abbey, Twitter headquarters, and Cuba, as long as they’re still without power,
which is a safe bet.
Elon Musk abandons Twitter’s blue checkmark verification
system and simply makes the blue checkmark available to anyone for $7.99.
Thirty-three people are the checkmark-verified Elon Musk within the first ten
The world population reaches 8 billion. Supreme Exalted General
Secretary Jinping (blue checkmark) tweets, “You’re welcome.”
NASA launches Artemis 1, an uncrewed vessel, and if you read
that as unscrewed, you’re not alone. Artemis 1 is the most powerful rocket ever
launched into orbit – a full twice as powerful as Artemis 1/2. It will orbit
the Moon in a slingshot trajectory before returning to Earth with a planned
impact point at an undisclosed location somewhere near Vladimir Putin’s office.
The 2022 FIFA World Cup begins in Qatar, which everyone
agreed was dumb because they don’t serve beer in Qatar. Not to mention, Phil
Krazinski was denied entry to the country on religious grounds. The United
States started the tournament with two very exciting ties of 1-1 and 0-0,
reminding Americans why we don’t watch soccer the rest of the year.
FIFA bans Russia from all soccer competitions, including the
World Cup. FIFA also bans the world’s number one tennis champion, Novak
Djokovic, just to be safe. Convinced that free nations have finally done
enough, all news channels promptly forget about Ukraine.
Just in time for the Christmas season, gas prices begin to
ease back to the level that we would have had a conniption fit about, had they
not just been double the current ridiculously high price two months ago.
Elon Musk polls Twitter users to ask if he should step down.
It is a resounding yes, and he will comply. As soon as he finds a suitable
replacement, he will step down as the president of Taiwan, but he will retain
The National Ignition Facility, which may or may not be
located near the Joint European Torus, achieves fusion ignition – apparently a
major milestone in the development of nuclear fusion power, or so they tell us.
We remain skeptical since we all still have to buy insanely expensive gas. C’mon
fellas! We’ve got a pig’s heart beating inside Phil Krazinski’s chest. How hard
can it be to get fusion into a Torus?
Argentina ends up winning the World Cup final on penalty
kicks, making Americans wonder, once again, why isn’t the whole game just
penalty kicks? That part is actually exciting.
Bitcoin ends the year worth one sixteenth of a Taiwan.
Can’t wait to see what 2023 brings us. Have a happy New
See you soon,
Copyright © 2022 Marc Schmatjen
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