Monday, August 25, 2008

Productive Hijackings

In 2001 we had the September 11th hijackings and part of the aftermath was the ingenious idea of putting the TSA in charge of airport security. Almost instantly I was not allowed to travel with my toenail clippers.

In December of 2001 ol’ Richard Reid tried to light a bomb hidden in his shoe and now I have to walk through the metal detector in my socks.

Then in 2006 some idiots in England were plotting to take a plane down with a liquid bomb, so now when I fly I can only bring enough shaving cream and toothpaste with me to shave half my face and brush most of my teeth.

If the TSA is going to continue to be the pro-active, forward thinking organization we have come to know and love, then I have a few helpful suggestions for any would-be terrorists out there. Not helpful to the terrorist so much as helpful to you and me.

Here is a list of things I wish someone would try to hijack a plane with:

- The loud talking cosmetics saleswomen with the big hair

- The “carry-on” that just doesn’t seem to fit in the overhead bin no matter how hard she shoves, or how loud she talks about it

- The in-flight magazine with the crossword puzzle already completed

- The sweaty guy with BO

- The super-important business man who gets audibly indignant about delays

- The un-disciplined 6 year old who repeatedly kicks the back of my chair

- The parent of the un-disciplined 6 year old who repeatedly kicks the back of my chair

- The 400 pound guy who only buys one seat, but uses part of mine too

- The cutesy snack mix that occasionally subs for good old-fashioned peanuts

- The older lady who asks at least six different gate agents if they still need to see her ID

- The beef stroganoff

- The safety briefing

- The tray table that won’t stay up

- The exit row seat that won’t recline

- The baggage handler that just doesn’t care anymore

- The guy next to me snoring in my ear

- The “contains only two sips” miniature can of soda

- The in-flight movie that’s edited for time and content

- The talkative couple who are on their way to Vegas and are super excited about it, and

- The drunk guy who tries to tip the flight attendant

I really feel that we could all travel a little bit safer if a few of these grave security concerns were addressed. Won’t you please help?

See you soon,

Copyright © 2008 Marc Schmatjen

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