I have been a parent for a little while now, and along the way with my three boys I have picked up a few helpful hints that I would like to pass on to all you new parents out there, so here they are:
Smidge’s Handy Tips and Helpful Advice for New Parents
Don’t take the side of the bed closest to the door in your room. As soon as your children start getting out of bed in the middle of the night, you turn into the go-to parent for any and all late-night activities. If your spouse won’t switch sides with you, simply turn the bed around.
Once the kids start crawling and climbing, get rid of all of your chairs. It will just be easier that way.
Never say anything within 1000 yards of your children that you wouldn’t want repeated in front of your in-laws or your pastor, because it will be.
Even if they have never been exposed to any kind of weapon, boys will naturally pick up a stick and pretend it’s a gun, a sword, or a bludgeon. It’s in their DNA.
Kids love to call other kids names. If your child is calling another kid a “stinky face,” the best response is to immediately call your child a “poopy butt.”
Up until the age of 18, when they can legally object, it is best to just put your kids back in diapers for long road trips. It’s really the only way to make decent time.
Never ever give your children sugar under any circumstances.
If all of your kids are ever invited to the same sleepover, drop them off and immediately turn off your cell phones and go to Las Vegas for three days. They will be fine. They are in good hands, and it’s really the only way you ever get to go to Vegas.
A handy way to tire your kids out before bedtime is to have them drag your spare truck tire up and down the street on a rope until they fall over. When they hit the sidewalk, viola, ready for bed.
Purchase at least four to five times the amount of sippy cups that you think will be sufficient. Once a week, lift up all the furniture in the house and retrieve them. Wash with industrial caustic high-pressure foam or throw away as necessary.
A handy way to combat the garbage can flies that inevitably show up when disposable diapers are abundant is to light your trash can on fire every other day. This keeps the flies manageable and reduces the amount of garbage you are sending to the landfill. Win-win.
When at the zoo, never let your kids get into the monkey cage, no matter how much they beg. Just trust me.
If left unchecked, boys will attempt to pee anywhere on anything. Keep an eye on them at the mall!
It will end up being cheaper in the long run if you simply remove all the ceiling fans in your house and replace them with bullet-proof light fixtures. You can have ceiling fans again when they graduate from college.
Never ever wear the couple’s matching shorts and shirt combos with the loud Hawaiian print. This has nothing to do with kids, it’s just good common sense.
We have 32,000 pictures of our first boy, 46 pictures of our second boy, and no photographic evidence that we even have a third boy. Try to even out the photography if you can.
Ranch dressing, when left on a kid’s face, produces a red rash. If done properly, it can end up looking like clown makeup that only lasts for about a half-hour.
And lastly, always keep a first aid kit handy. I imagine if you have girls, it should include Band-Aids and Neosporin. If you have boys it should also include a tourniquet, arm and leg splints, sutures, large butterfly bandages and gauze pads, local anesthetic, an immobilizing neck brace, saline IV bags, a defibrillator, a stretcher, and a fully-licensed paramedic.
I hope that was helpful for you. Good luck!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2009 Marc Schmatjen
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