Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What Did They Just Say? - Part 2

Let’s face it, America. It’s a really weird time in our history right now. We’ve got millions of gallons of oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico with no end in sight, and our President just addressed that problem by suggesting we fix it with a tax on carbon. No matter where you stand politically, that’s not good news.

We’re worried. We’re not confident. We’re not having a great couple of months, here.

So, I thought I would try to brighten the mood a little with some of the other, less troubling inanity I have encountered in the recent past. Enjoy!

Not too long ago I heard an RV company advertizing their “Grand Opening Liquidation Sale.” Uhhhh… What?

There are a lot of cool kid’s names out there today, and one I’ve always liked is Chase. I had to re-think it, though, when I overheard a dad at the pool hollering at his son, “Chase, walk!” Talk about sending mixed signals!

I have some money invested with Vanguard, and the other day I received a notice from them signed by: “Mortimer J. Buckley, Managing Director.” Really? Mortimer J. Buckley? Why not just call him, “Fifth-generation money managin’, giant stock portfolio havin’, yacht sailin’, bowtie wearin’, gin and tonic drinkin’, Bentley drivin’, huge stone house in the Hamptons guy?”

My computer locked up the other day and afterward it said that it just had an “unexpected error.” Yeah, I figured it was unexpected. I assume you guys already fixed all the ones that you were expecting.

I heard a Kelly Moore paint ad on the radio that proclaimed, “To a professional painter, paint is everything.” Well, sure. I guess that makes sense. Thanks for boiling that down for me.

Another radio ad asked “Do you have erectile dysfunction? Have Viagra or Cialis let you down?” I thought to myself, “Wow. Talk about being literal!”

During a major rainstorm this past winter I saw a story on the evening news with the headline, “Aquarium Flooding.” I wonder… is that really a problem?

I picked up a copy of Architectural Digest at the doctors office, and in big print across the cover it announced, “The Architecture Issue.” What is it about the other 11 months of the year?

I just came across a piece of industrial machinery with a warning sticker placed on the removable guard that read, “Do not operate this machine without this guard in place.” Now, I’m no genius, but how exactly is anyone going to get that memo if the guard is missing?

I heard a gold ad on the radio that urged me to “Call now, supplies are limited.” Well, yeah. If they weren’t, why would I want to pay money for it?

A few months ago I called the Loral Langemeier hotline to get my free copy her book “The Millionaire Maker.” As I chatted with the friendly person at the call center, a question occurred to me, and I had to ask… “If this book is so great, why do you still work there?”

There was a radio ad prodding me toward some major life decision and asked me the question, “Have you been waiting to put it off?” So… are you asking me if I’ve already done it? I’m confused.

Another radio ad for a company called “Food from the Hood” who billed themselves as the “nation’s first student managed company” told me, “Every bottle of salad dressing you buy sends a kid to college.” Now just wait a second, buddy. How much am I paying for this salad dressing?

Those all caused me to chuckle, but my favorite recent one has to be the insert that came with my health insurance paperwork. It’s a one-page document with a single paragraph written in English, Spanish, Chinese & Vietnamese. It reads:

“IMPORTANT: Can you read this letter? If not, we can have somebody help you read it... For free help, please call right away at the Member/Customer Service telephone number on the back of your member ID card…”

I’m pretty sure anything written after, “If not,” was a waste of ink. If it wasn’t a waste of ink, then they already have the situation all figured out on their own, and therefore, it was a waste of ink.

That insert just has to have been a government mandate! It’s got governmental logic all over it!

See you soon,

Copyright © 2010 Marc Schmatjen

Have kids? Have grandkids? Need a great gift?
Go to today and get your copy of “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” Marc’s exciting new children’s book. Get ready for a wild rhyming adventure!


  1. I'll add a couple ad in a local paper during tax season was for the "Cheatam Tax Service." I'm thinking having "cheat 'em" sign off on your tax return might raise a red flag with the IRS.

    This is local Chase Bank drive-up service machine is in Braille and they offer a voice instructions for the "visually impaired" do you drive up in a car if you can't see?

  2. They might as well just stamp each 1040 with a big, red "Audit This Return."

    Braille at a drive-thru ATM is classic! That just may be taking ADA codes a little too far.

    Thanks, Bob!