The season of the Christmas letter is upon us. You may have
heard the term “humble brag” used to describe some folks’ Christmas letters.
That’s where people who are kicking butt in life try to tell you how awesome
they are as tactfully as possible. In my own personal Christmas letter, I never
do the humble brag. I brag about my life very openly, and not at all humbly.
On the other hand, there are those folks that muster the
effort to write a Christmas letter not because they want to brag, but because
they want to whitewash the disappointing truth. There is no special term for
these types of letters, so we will simply call them “The Smith’s Christmas
Letter.” This is your handy guide to decoding them. It was my pleasure. Don’t
mention it.
What they wrote:
Dear Friends and Family,
What they want you to
think:
You are very special to us. So special, in fact, that we
took the time to write this letter just for you.
Reality:
You are filler on an address list that includes people they
don’t even actually know, just so they can tell the people they are trying to
impress during the holidays that they sent their Christmas letter out to 250
people. The list you are on is so exclusive that this Christmas letter was sent
to one person that died this year, and two people that died last year.
What they wrote:
We’ve had another fantastic year here at the Smith
household!
What they want you to
think:
Our lives are magical, and we are to be envied by you
pathetic souls trudging through life with no hope. We are your hope. Look at
our fabulous lives and bask in our glow. You will never measure up to our
successes, of course, but you can glean some measure of happiness in your own
dreary lives by simply being happy for us.
Reality:
We have no idea how we made it through this crappy year
without just calling the whole thing quits. If it wasn’t for alcohol, prescription
drugs, reality television, and cat videos on YouTube, we would just stay in bed
all day.
What they wrote:
We moved to a new neighborhood at the beginning of the year.
The new house is fantastic. The floor plan is super-efficient despite its amazing
size, and we couldn’t be happier. I finally have a vegetable garden!
What they want you to
think:
While you are stuck in your old house that you hate, we are
so affluent that we upsized to a huge mansion. We are living the dream, and I
am such a delicious combination of Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray that I am
growing my own food!
Reality:
The bank foreclosed on us. We are renters again for the
first time since college. The duplex we are shoehorned into came with a tomato
vine in a planter box. It died.
What they wrote:
Ally is excelling in her junior year at Central High. She is
such a beautiful young lady now, and continues to maintain a busy schedule. In
addition to her vital position on the cheer squad, she belongs to numerous
clubs at school, volunteers on the weekends, stays in constant contact with her
friends, and still manages to keep her grade point average up there.
What they want you to
think:
Our daughter is smarter, better, faster, stronger, prettier,
and more popular than any of your children. If you have any hope whatsoever of
being proud of your kids someday, you should pray they turn out like Ally.
Reality:
Ally stays away from home as much as possible due to the
incredible pressure she receives from her mom, and the simple fact that she
does not really like any of her family members. She spends 18 hours a day
sending text messages to her two friends about absolutely nothing, and her
weekend “volunteering” consisted of one isolated incident where she handed out
flyers for an SPCA pet sterilization program. She spent the other 51 weekends
of the year at the mall food court. She is barely maintaining a C+ average at
school, and only made the cheer squad because they needed someone “stocky” for
the bottom of the pyramid.
What they wrote:
Can you believe Billy is a freshman at Central High this
year? It’s fun to have both kids at the same school again. He enjoys his
classes, and is still finding his way in the big high school system.
What they want you to
think:
Our precious young boy is growing up so fast. He is a
wonderful student, and he’s bravely making his way in this big world.
Reality:
Billy hates school and always has. He views the education
system as nothing more than a popularity contest that he is not interested in
being a part of. He regularly cuts his afternoon classes so he can have more
time to play Halo 4 with his online gamer “buddies,” none of whom he has
actually met in person. He is fat and pale. There is a slight chance that he
would lead a life of crime if he didn’t have his parents to sponge off of, but
he would most likely just be a homeless beggar, because he doesn’t seem to have
even an iota of ambition.
What they wrote:
Bob celebrated his 25-year anniversary at XYZ Corporation in
September and continues to shine as a mid-level manager. He loves his job, but
occasionally mentions the possibility of early retirement. We’ll see… Ha-ha. Bob
spends most of his evenings relaxing in front of the television.
What they want you to
think:
My husband is a wonderful provider and a top-notch employee.
He is much more stable than your husband probably is, and he’s perfectly
content with his role as the breadwinner, but would also enjoy the chance to
get out of the “rat race” and spend more quality time with me and the kids.
Reality:
Bob cannot believe he is still alive after trudging off to
that life-sucking corporate behemoth for 25 bleepin’ years now. He would
quit his insanely boring job tomorrow and become a ski lift operator, or a
lifeguard, or any other damn thing besides a mid-level manager if the kids were
already through college and the mortgage was paid off. Truth be told, he’s
really not sure why his position even exists, and he does not think he can make
it until he’s 65, but every time he mentions quitting, Jane tells him to shut
his pie hole and keep the paychecks coming. Bob goes through one Costco-sized
bottle of Wild Turkey per week just
trying to “take the edge off” and find a will to live.
What they wrote:
As for me, it’s the same old story. I keep myself busy with
my homemaker duties and my close circle of friends. I can’t believe how fast
the time goes these days! Another year is coming to a close, and we are so very
thankful to have you in our lives. Merry Christmas!
What they want you to
think:
I am living the dream. For me, life is a blissful walk in
the park. I artfully take care of my family, with a style and grace that you
could not begin to achieve. You should be very, very thankful that you know me.
Reality:
Jane’s life is so depressing, she doesn’t even want to talk
about it. Xanax is the only thing that keeps her from going totally insane. She
has even started grinding it up and sprinkling it into the sugar cookies to
mellow out Bob and Ally. Billy didn’t need any. She feeds the family a
never-ending assortment of take-out and frozen fish sticks, and rarely gets out
of bed before 10:00 A.M. If it is a reality show on television, Jane watches
it. She knows every detail about the lives of all the characters on 17
different TV shows, but not very much about her own family.
There you are. Now you can sit down with your glass of
eggnog next to your roaring yule log and really, truly get caught up on how the
Smiths are actually doing.
If you are lucky enough to receive a copy of my Christmas
letter, please remember, none of this Smith-type subtext applies. Every word of
mine is true.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2012 Marc Schmatjen
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