I am turning 41 years old this week, and since I have inexplicably made it this long, I thought I might as well share some of my thoughts, observations, and acquired wisdom from my life thus far. I pared it down to one for each year. You’re welcome.
1. There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who prefer the toilet paper to come off the top of the roll, and those who prefer the bottom. The people who like it to come off the bottom of the roll are wrong.
2. If beds were advertised the same way as tents, a queen-size mattress would sleep nine adults comfortably.
3. The three second rule has almost infinite extensions depending on how much you like the food that dropped.
4. You never fully appreciate how crazy your family is until you have to explain them to your new wife.
5. I don’t understand why disappointed is not the opposite of appointed.
6. Pi and the circumference of a circle have a similar relationship to pie and the circumference of a person.
7. Here’s the difference between men and women: Men can look at a picture of women's underwear and get excited. Not women in underwear, just the underwear itself. Women do not get excited looking at pictures of boxer shorts.
8. The toothpaste tube is the most amazing invention ever. You get four days of toothpaste out of the large main body of the tube, and six weeks of toothpaste out of the last 10% of the tube, up by the cap. If we could make automobile gas tanks out of the same stuff that the last 10% of the toothpaste tube is made of, cars would get 700 miles per gallon.
9. The clearest evidence that America is the greatest country on earth is that the Red Bull beverage company put a man in space. Take that, Belgium.
10. If you give enough money to the right charities, you will never have to buy address labels again.
11. I have reached the electronic tipping point. At this point, I would much rather lose my wallet than my phone.
12. A really good financial goal in life is to have your bank account balance be larger than your bank account number.
13. Life without beer and cheese would be horrible, but life without bacon would be pointless.
14. When packing thirteen suitcases into the car for your wife, is it impossible to have ten of them be “on top” so she can get to them easily.
15. Never get a woman personalized license plates like "HOT QT" or something like that, because eventually the boyfriend or husband will have to drive the car, and he will be mercilessly ridiculed by the other male drivers.
16. You can ask someone to do something, or you can tell them how you want it done, but you cannot do both.
17. A good indicator of where you are in life is this: Does the advertisement of free food still affect your decision making?
18. It makes more sense to become a strong swimmer than a strong runner. You don’t die when you stop running.
19. There is no “t” or “t” sound in the word across. There is no “b” or “b” sound in the word supposedly. Please pronounce accordingly.
20. Men are far more likely to clean things with spit than women are.
21. Money and toilet paper have something in common – They are both easy to take for granted until you run out. Also, in totally opposite, but equally dire situations, they can be substituted for each other.
22. Pets and skull tattoos have something in common - Just because yours is badass does not mean you are badass. In fact, it usually means the exact opposite.
23. If you ask a guy to tell you a story about a time he almost died, he will have four stories just off the top of his head, and one will be from this year. If you ask a woman the same question, she will look at you like you’re crazy.
24. One sure sign of getting old – When you start sitting down to put your pants on.
25. Children and ceiling fans are incompatible. Plain and simple.
26. In life, it is very important to remember where you are and why you're there. That way, when your podiatrist tells you to drop your shorts, you ask some questions first.
27. The hotel alarm clock - You can either take the time to figure out how it works before you go to bed, or you can figure it out in the dark at 4:30 A.M. when it unexpectedly goes off.
28. Probably the funniest thing ever written is this: “We’ve upped our contribution. Up yours!”
29. People who don’t use their cruise control on the freeway should be pulled over and arrested.
30. There are 21 words in the English language that need to be used more. They are: Bailiwick, Hootenanny, Skullduggery, Scofflaw, Ballyhoo, Shenanigans, Donnybrook, Catawampus, Chicanery, Cajoled, Hullabaloo, Besmirch, Boondoggle, Haberdashery, Melee, Befuddled, Flummoxed, Hoosegow, Wiseacre, Tomfoolery, and Kerfuffle.
31. Nothing is more interesting to a child than what you are doing, provided that what you are doing is easier without children involved.
32. You cannot claim to be a grown woman, fully capable of taking care of yourself, and also claim that you do not know how to operate a toilet seat.
33. Fried chicken and touch screen devices do not mix well.
34. A carsick child and a blender without a lid have a lot in common.
35. To be or not to be is not the question. The real question is, which towel in the guest bathroom am I supposed to use to dry my hands?
36. Give a boy enough time with any object, whether it be a stale Cheerio, a bouncy ball, a doll, or a book, and he will eventually turn it into a weapon.
37. "The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys" is a pretty accurate saying, but it leaves out the other major difference: the speed at which they heal when they fall off those toys.
38. The best thing to do when your infant cries at night is to set a timer for ten minutes. If the timer runs out before the baby stops crying, reset the timer.
39. The people investigating alternative energy sources should take a look at my wife's side of the bed. When she comes to bed she is in a near-frozen state, but the bed somehow heats her up to roughly 8,000 degrees in the middle of the night. I have never once plugged the bed in or recharged it in any way.
40. As I get older, I find myself dividing the people of the world into two categories: People I would let watch my kids for five minutes, and people I wouldn’t.
41. The person who invented the hotel shower curtain rod that curves out away from the tub so the shower curtain doesn’t stick to your arm should receive the Nobel prize.
See you soon,
Copyright © 2013 Marc Schmatjen
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