I always thought operating a car was fairly simple. You have
a steering wheel, a gas pedal, a brake pedal, and if you’re really sporty or
from a third-world country, a clutch. Go early and easy on the brakes, unless
you are from a third-world country, or a city like Los Angeles, then you drive
seventy-five miles per hour toward the stop sign and decide when you are twenty
feet away whether you will stop or just blow through it.
Keep a safe following distance when at highway speeds, which
is a three-second gap for most of us, barring again, third-world countries and cities
like Los Angeles. In those places, safe following distances have been replaced
by simply connecting all the cars at highway speeds, bumper-to-bumper, with
only an imperceptible air gap between them.
If the weather is wet or icy, you should slow down and
remember that brakes only work when the tires are in contact with the actual
road. If you accidentally go too fast in inclement weather and end up sliding,
remember to maintain positive acceleration and steer into the skid. In practical
terms, this means to scream, “HOLY CRAP WE’RE GOING TO DIE!” at the top of your
lungs while using both feet to attempt to push the brake pedal all the way to
the front bumper, and allowing the highway guard rail and adjacent cars to act on
behalf of your steering wheel.
Yield to oncoming traffic, stop on red, go on green. It all
seems simple enough, but there is one traffic control situation that tends to
cause a lot of people grief: Four-way stop signs.
The four-way stop need not be difficult, since the rules are
quite simple. The entire concept of the four-way stop has to do with Right of
Way. This literally means that when two cars arrive at adjacent stops signs at
the same time, the car on the right has priority. The driver of the car on the
left must hang his or her head in shame and meekly wave for the other driver to
proceed. Driving statutes vary, but in most states, the driver with the Right
of Way is required to give a friendly wave, and a visibly smug smile.
If the two vehicles have arrived simultaneously at opposing stop
signs, the car going straight has priority, and the other car needs to wait for
them to pass and turn around them. It is not always easy to know the other
driver’s intended path, however, since the turn signals on most cars operated
by drivers under the age of twenty-five have apparently been disabled, while
many of the over-seventy crowd’s turn signals have been cleverly rigged to
remain on constantly.
In either case you will need to be cautious as you approach
the center of the intersection. It helps to notice where the other driver’s
eyes are focused. If the driver is young, their gaze will invariably be
directed downward, into their lap, where their phone is. These drivers often do
not even realize they are in an intersection. The older drivers often have a
dazed look, similar to a deer in headlights. They may realize they are in an
intersection, but they are likely terrified to be there. In either case, the
other driver may do something unexpected. Be prepared. Many times it is best to
just remain at your stop sign, ignoring Right of Way, and wait these people
out. The young drivers will proceed on their way after they get done typing
“OMG LOL,” making the decision to turn or go straight in the half-second they are
able to devote to driving the vehicle before they receive their next text
message. The older drivers often fall asleep, and after their car has rolled
harmlessly onto someone’s lawn or slowly through the front window of the corner
store, you may proceed on your way.
In the unlikely event that four cars arrive at each of the
four stop signs at exactly the same time and Right of Way cannot be traditionally
established, Standard American Rules apply, and the largest vehicle wins. (Note:
If any of the vehicles are electric or those silly little Smart Cars, they are obviously
automatically disqualified from any consideration.)
In the even more unlikely event that four similar-sized cars
have arrived simultaneously at the four stop signs, we default to Majority
Rules, and the vehicle with the most passengers wins.
In the even, even more unlikely event that all the similar-sized
cars contain the same amount of people (or people and livestock in some rural
counties), all drivers must exit their vehicles and meet in the middle of the
intersection. They will pair up into their respective east/west and north/south
teams, and play a single-elimination, sudden-death Ro Sham Bo tournament (also
known as Rock Paper Scissors, or Reaux Sham Beaux if the four-way stop is
located in New Orleans).
If the final Ro Sham Bo round ends in three or more tie
games, Right of Way is determined by total combined height and weight of each
team.
Pretty simple, really.
However, as easy as the four-way stop rules should be to follow,
many Americans just cannot seem to grasp them. As a result, some towns are
following Europe’s lead and going with roundabouts instead.
This is a mistake. A huge mistake. I beg you, impressionable
traffic engineers of America, don’t give in to the hype. Roundabouts will only
make the problem worse. All the case studies speak for themselves. Any driver
who is even slightly confused about the rules at a four-way stop will be utterly
mystified by a roundabout.
Let’s not make the problem worse. Instead, let’s spend all
that wasted re-engineering time and energy on re-educating the public on the
four-way stop rules. That will be a better use of our money, because it seems
that for some of the population, if four-way stops are long division,
roundabouts are Chinese algebra.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen
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