You’ve done it again this year, haven’t you? You waited
until the last minute and now here we are, just a few days from Christmas and
you don’t have your Christmas letter written, the online shopping you’ve been
putting off now won’t arrive in time, and you’ve let yourself run dangerously
low on peppermint schnapps.
You fool! There’s no time. Or, is there? Well, I can’t
really help you with the shopping or the holiday liqueurs, but I’ve got you
covered on the Christmas letter. Yes, once again, ol’ Smidgey Claus is here to
pull your chestnuts out of the fire.
I have created another handy do-it-yourself template to help
you crank out your 2015 Christmas letter in no time flat. As with previous
years’ templates, just fill in your last name(s) in the blank and circle the
appropriate choices, and you're in business. Consider it my Christmas present
to you. (I’m fond of cash, in case you were wanting to reciprocate in some small
or hopefully large way...)
Christmas 2015
We had another amazingly (blessed/crappy) year here at the
_____________ house. I can't count the amount of times this year I sat back and
said (wow/damn), what a (wonderful/disappointing) life this is.
Dad is still going (strong/sideways). He's completely
retired now from day to day operations at his (company/chop shop), but still
drops by occasionally to "check on" his new managers, usually ending
up at the (golf course/strip club). He (knows/suspects) they're (managing/skimming
from) his business (very well/regularly), even if he’s (hesitant/unable) to
(admit/prove) it. Mom keeps telling him to let them (do their jobs/have it),
and he just (laughs/drinks more). He built a (great business/shady criminal
enterprise) over the years and I think he’s just (protective/worried) about (“his
baby”/going back to prison).
Mom is still the same unstoppable (volunteer/drunk) she’s
always been. Her (heart/propensity) to (serve/drink) always amazes us. She’s a
(Godsend/pain) to so many. She’s still spending most of her time at the
(orphanage/corner bar), and she loves (reading/singing) to the (children/juke
box). The (kids/drunks) can’t (get enough of/stand) her. When she’s not there
you’ll probably find her at the (children’s library/horse track) knee-deep in
sorting (books/losing tickets), or at the (church food closet/liquor store)
making sure the (homeless shelter/liquor cabinet) shelves stay stocked.
Sister recently (graduated/escaped) from (college/rehab).
She earned her (degree/GED) in (criminal justice/county) over the last (four
years/three to five months) and is now entertaining (a job offer/truckers) with
(the FBI/her exotic dancing). Her (steady/shiftless) boyfriend (Paul/Stingray) says
he’s waiting for (her decision/his Grandma’s welfare checks to run out) before
he (accepts/looks for) a job. They are making plans to move (closer to each
other/into a trailer) after the (holidays/door is replaced). We all think he’s very
close to (proposing/bolting).
Brother has been climbing the (corporate ladder/walls) since
his (huge promotion/ugly divorce) earlier this year. His wife and kids are
(supportive/in Reno) despite his (long hours/repeated calls) and (travel
schedule/threatening letters). His (love for them/ankle bracelet monitor) still
keeps him home on the (weekends/couch), so he’s not missing the (kids’
sports/Price is Right). He’s (happy/depressed) about (being/not being) able to set
his own schedule (for the most part/at all) since his (big promotion/court-mandated
house arrest).
As for me, well, my little family is (thriving/imploding). I
just switched to a new (firm/Taco Bell) here in town, and my new (commute/sour
cream gun) is much easier to handle. I’m now in charge of the entire (west
coast/sour cream section), so it’s a pretty (big/irrelevant) move for me. My
wife has had another (wonderful/depressing) year as a (teacher/bartender) at
the (kindergarten/Holiday Inn). Her (students/patrons) are always such a (blessing/bummer),
and continue to fill her (heart/tip jar) with (joy/nickels). The kids are
making us both (proud/crazy) with their (accomplishments/complaining). They are
both (growing up/devolving) into little (adults/brats) so fast, every once in a
while we just wish we could (freeze time/sell them). We know that’s not possible,
but we wish it just the same.
As for you, well, our wish is that you have as many (blessings/sedatives)
as we (do/need) this holiday season, and that you would share them with us
soon.
Merry Christmas!
You’re welcome! Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all
set.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
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