Admit it. You’ve spent all your holiday energy since Cyber Monday glued to your computer screen. Amazon now gets nervous and calls you if five minutes pass without you adding something to your cart. UPS and FedEx both have a guy who’s just assigned to your house. You’re expanding your Christmas list to include people you met once on a vacation ten years ago, just so you can justify buying that amazing picnic basket wine opener that doubles as a tire iron.
You are the reigning champion of online shopping. But do you know one thing you forgot? Your Christmas letter. You fool! It’s too late now. It will never get to everyone on time. Even Amazon Prime next day express locker pick-up can’t help you now, because personalized Christmas letters are the one thing Amazon doesn’t have. They sell corn litter, car lashes, cheese logs, coconut lotion, and concrete lions, but not Christmas letters.
But never fear. You know who has Christmas letters every year? For FREE? Yep, ol’ Smidgey Claus, that’s who. Take that, Jeff Bezos.
I’ve created another handy do-it-yourself template to help you crank out your 2016 Christmas letter in no time flat. As with previous years’ templates, just fill in your last name(s) in the blank and circle the appropriate choices, and you're in business. Now back away from that Add to Cart button and get to work. You’re welcome!
Merry Christmas to (all/a select few) of our friends and family. This year was another (blessing/real winner) for all of us here at the _______________ family.
Dad can’t say (enough/anything good) about his (care team/luck) at the (hospital/track) this year. He was (injured/wiped out) by a horse (on a trail ride/named Lucky Sevens) when it spooked (from a snake/out of the gate) and threw (him/the jockey) to the (ground/third row of the stands). He busted his (hip/entire year’s salary), but he said the thing that hurt the most was his (pride/bookie’s brass knuckles). He’s been doing (physical therapy/odd jobs) and is all healed up now and ready to get back (on/to betting) the horses.
Mom is still (volunteering/incarcerated) at the women’s (shelter/prison). There seems to be no end to her (heart for service/wicked ways). She had an opportunity for (travel/early parole) this year, and (took/blew) it. She went off (to Spain/the rails) with her (girlfriends/prison gang). They (danced/fought), (sang/looted), and even (ran with the bulls/shanked a rival gang member). It seems as if they may have started a (yearly tradition/full-scale prison riot). Whatever the case, she got (the travel bug/time added to her sentence) so we won’t be seeing (as much/any) of her in the next few years!
Sister is busy with her (executive career/exotic dancing) during the (day/evening) and her (three/six) kids during the (evening/day). We don’t know (how/why) she does it! Her (loving/latest) (husband/baby daddy) is such a huge (supporter/enabler) for her. They are even thinking of (buying/renting) a (vacation home/10x12 space) at the (beach/U-Store-It) as a second home! We’re all waiting for (our invitation/the next guy).
Brother is still heavily involved in (his church/illegal street racing). He has become a (deacon/gang leader) and heads up the (children’s ministry/Flaming Nitros). He is such a (light/menace) to so many of our (youth/citizens). Even with all that, he still manages to hold down a job at (Intel/Arby’s) in the (design/horsey sauce) department, and raise (his kids/hell) with his (wonderful wife/hooker girlfriend).
As for us, things couldn’t be (better/more depressing). My (amazing/unbearable) wife is (nominated/leaving me) for a (Grammy/Walmart clerk) and she deserves (it/him) more than anything! I just received a (promotion/pink slip) at work, and I’ll be moving to a corner (office/bar) soon. The kids are all (thriving/flunking) at school, and driving to and from (sporting events/juvenile court) seems to be our main activity.
As for you, well, our wish is that you are having as (blessed/crappy) a holiday season as we are. If that’s the case, we know you’re (doing great/in the same boat), and we can rest easy with the knowledge that (life is wonderful/at least it’s not just us).
You’re welcome! Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.
See you soon,
Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen
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