You’ve done it again, haven’t you? It’s December 20th and
you haven’t written your annual Christmas letter yet. The stores were sold out
of holiday stationery three weeks ago and you just don’t have the energy to
think up a bunch of lies about how “successful” everyone in your family has
been.
You were probably thinking the situation was hopeless, but
like every other important decision you made this year, once again, you’re
wrong. Finally, for once this year, there’s hope. I’ve got you covered! The
2017 DIY Christmas letter is here, just for you.
So, pour yourself another 100-proof glass of eggnog, bubble
in the appropriate choices with a #2 pencil, fill in the blank if needed, and
you’re all set.
You don’t have to thank me. It’s just what I do.
Christmas 2017
Dear
O family member,
O close friend,
O friend from thirty
years ago that I probably wouldn’t recognize even if we were introduced,
O co-worker who sent
me a Christmas card last year so now I’ve added you to the list,
O ex-co-worker who I
rarely, if ever, see, but it would be awkward if I took you off the list and
then saw you in January,
Merry Christmas from the
O Smith Family!
O Gonzalez Family!
O Lee Family!
O Johnson Family!
O Other _______________!
We feel so blessed to
O have you in our
lives.
O see you once in a
while.
O hardly ever run
into you.
O have been able to
avoid you that one time at Walmart by ducking into the bedding aisle and hiding
in the pillow display.
We had another
O amazing
O nice
O disappointing
O mind-numbingly bad
year around here!
Dad has been
O keeping busy
O mostly staying out
of trouble
O incarcerated
O embarrassing the
family
all year. He continues to
O work and enjoy his
job.
O goof off more than
he should.
O add time to his sentence
for bad behavior.
O avoid his
responsibilities at all costs while making a complete ass of himself.
Mom still
O works with kids
O lays on the couch
O abuses her Xanax
prescription
O shoots her mouth
off
every day, and we’re all amazed at her
O energy level.
O ability to do
nothing.
O incoherent speeches.
O ability to make
every other life form on the planet dislike her.
Sister has a new
O fiancé
O iPhone
O idiot yappy little
Taco Bell dog
O street corner
O all of the above
and we are all getting
O excited for the
wedding.
O way too many emoji
texts and stupid duck-lip selfies with graphics added to them.
O money together to
hire a doggy hitman.
O tired of bailing
her out of jail.
O all of the above
Brother and his wife are
O expecting their
third child in a few months
O coasting,
relationship-wise
O moving further
away from us
O finally splitting
up
and we
O can’t wait to meet
the newest grandbaby!
O don’t think they’ll
make the long run.
O only wish they
were moving further.
O are thrilled to
see her go because none of us ever liked her in the first place.
The grandkids continue to
O grow like adorable
little weeds
O break things at
our house
O grate on our
nerves
O be a constant
source of shame to our family
and they
O couldn’t be smarter,
cuter, or more talented.
O never offer to pay
for anything they break, the little cheapskates.
O are completely
without manners or decorum in any and all situations.
O make us seriously
consider just leaving them at a rest stop.
We certainly hope your year has been
O as blessed as ours
O filled with joy
O better than ours
was, for your sake
O free from the need
for police intervention
O better than your
last year, you sorry bastards
and we count you among our
O dearest loved ones.
O B-list friends.
O annual holiday
obligations.
O list of people we
keep in touch with for comparison, to make us feel better about ourselves.
If you’re ever in town, be sure to
O stop by!
O text us and maybe
we can grab a coffee or something, if we have time.
O see the new mall.
O keep driving.
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all
set.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2017 Marc Schmatjen
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