Due to the incredible popularity of the first two Ask Smidge
columns (and we’re using the word “incredible” in its literal meaning here), we
have been flooded with questions at the new email address – asksmidge@gmail.com
A number of topics have been queried, but we have noticed a
majority of you have graduation-related questions this time of year, so we’re doing
a special graduation edition this week.
Smidge,
We don’t have kids yet, but my sister just invited us to our
niece’s preschool graduation. Is that really a thing? Do we bring a gift?
Signed,
Kidless in Carson City
Dear Kidless,
Sadly, yes, preschool “graduations” have become a reality. It’s
a bunch of two-foot-tall paste eaters whose only requirement for graduation was
that their parents kept paying for them to be there, but they’ll “graduate,”
nonetheless. Don’t be shocked if they have them in little caps and gowns! (You
may, of course, be appalled at the self-celebrating state we have devolved to,
just don’t be shocked.) The best gift you can bring is a flask of clear liquor
for yourself, and a promise never to put your future children in a preschool
that has graduation ceremonies.
Good luck!
Smidge,
Our son’s kindergarten teacher just emailed us about a “small
graduation ceremony” they’re planning for the last day of school. Graduating
from kindergarten? My son still can’t use scissors correctly, he licks the other
kids, and he’s barely even aware that he was in school. What am I missing?
Signed,
Confused in Columbus
Dear Confused,
Please see answer above and just sub in “kindergarten” every
time you see “preschool.”
Smidge,
What’s with these weird flat mortarboard hats?
Signed,
Graduating in Grand Rapids
Dear Graduating,
Funny story! The flat mortarboard cap with the tassel that
every graduate dons today actually started as a fraternity prank at Tulane University
in 1893. Apparently, there was quite the rivalry between Phi Delta Gamma and
Kappa Kappa Theta back then, and the Phi Delts came up with a real zinger at
the end of the year.
They convinced the Kappas that it was a new school policy to
wear a “uniform” at graduation. Then they proceeded to get incredibly drunk and
come up with the dumbest looking hat they could think of: a flat board sewed onto
a skull cap, with a darling little tassel hanging off one side.
They added the gown to the mix and convinced the Kappas that
it was super cool to go naked underneath. Come graduation day, the Phi Delts
showed up in their caps and gowns, so the Kappas thought nothing of it. But just
before hitting the stage, all the Phi Delts tossed their mortarboard caps in
the air and took their robes off, unrolling their suit pants from their knees
and putting on their snappy fedoras they had been hiding under the robes. They
strode across the stage in their three-piece suits, leaving the poor, duped,
and naked-underneath Kappas with no alternative but to wear their ridiculous caps
and gowns to accept their diplomas.
The prank worked perfectly, but it backfired on the rest of
us. The Tulane dean, perhaps still drunk from Mardi Gras, loved the Kappa’s
outfits and adopted them for all future graduation ceremonies. Deans from
neighboring colleges, not wanting to be seen as non-hip, went along, and the
rest is history.
Smidge,
My pot-smoking grandson is graduating from high school with
a 2.3 GPA. What should we get him for a graduation gift?
Signed,
Unimpressed in Olympia
Dear Unimpressed,
A McDonald’s application and an alarm clock.
Smidge,
Our daughter is graduating from Dartmouth after six years.
It took her a while, and more than a few student loans, but she is finally
getting her art history degree. We are so proud! Any ideas for the perfect
graduation gift for our little princess?
Signed,
Beaming in Boise
Dear Beaming,
$350,000, a McDonald’s application, and an alarm clock.
Happy graduation, America! Now get out there and tackle
life! Or first grade.
(And remember, be sure to email all your burning questions
to asksmidge@gmail.com)
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen
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