What is the matter with you? You’ve done it again, haven’t
you? It’s December 19th and you haven’t written your annual Christmas letter
yet. And now there’s no time left to concoct a fairy tale that might be able to
put some lipstick on the pig that was your year.
Sure, just like your hopes for the future, things look bleak.
But have no Christmas fear! While I can’t do anything about your annoying
in-laws or your Aunt Ethel’s impending fruitcake delivery, I can certainly help
in the communications department.
The 2018 DIY Christmas letter is here, just for you.
So, pour yourself another glass of mommy or daddy’s special holiday
cheer, bubble in the appropriate choices with a #2 pencil, fill in the blank if
needed, and you’re all set.
No need to thank me. It’s just what I do.
Christmas 2018
Dear
O relative or loved
one,
O tolerable
neighbor,
O marginal acquaintance,
O begrudging work or
social obligatory holiday recipient,
Merry Christmas from the
O Smith
O Gonzalez
O Lee
O Johnson
O Other _______________
family!
We can’t believe
O how time flies.
O winter is here
again so soon.
O how depressing
this year has been.
O we have to send
this damned letter to so many of you.
What a year! We
O are so blessed.
O are, we must
admit, a little tired.
O are relieved it’s
finally over.
O seriously need to just
sell the kids and move to an island.
2018 started with
O joy in our hearts
O a ridiculous
amount of snow and ice
O anxiety
O a whole lotta mood-altering
substances
and is ending with
O gratitude and
peace.
O even more *%@#&$
snow.
O dread.
O jail time, most
likely.
Dad can’t seem to
O sit still,
O stop complaining,
O snap out of his
funk,
O put a cork in it,
and he
O continues to
volunteer at the church and the shelter.
O won’t shut up
about gas prices.
O lives in his
pajamas.
O was on a bender
and MIA at least half the year.
Mom hasn’t
O lost a step
O lifted a finger
around the house
O shut up
O been seen
since her
O record-breaking
hip replacement recovery time.
O epic hangnail
incident.
O lottery numbers
were “only three away” from the “big money.”
O parole officer
reported her for not checking in this summer.
Sister lives
O near us now.
O day to day.
O on borrowed time.
O above a strip club.
She
O moved back with
her family for a big promotion.
O pretends to be
holding it together, but a relapse is obviously coming.
O is the president
of her biker gang, and the DEA has been investigating their activities.
O was named employee
of the month at Big Tony’s Gentlemen’s Club and Laundromat.
Brother is
O switching parenting
roles with his wife and staying home with the kids
O never too far from
the couch
O making one bad
decision after another
O spiraling out of
control
while his
O wife continues to
climb the ladder at her amazing job.
O unemployment
checks continue to roll in.
O bookie keeps
contacting us regarding his whereabouts.
O childhood hopes
and dreams slowly circle the giant toilet bowl of life.
The grandkids just keep growing
O up
O outward
O bolder
O weed
and we wish
O we could slow time
down somehow to enjoy it all a little longer.
O they would lay off
the McCrap and eat a vegetable every once in a while.
O their parents
would actually call their insolent little butts on it.
O the court system would
be tougher on minors.
We hope this letter finds you
O thriving and loving
life
O before Christmas
O relatively sober
O
this year, and we want to
O extend our warmest
holiday wishes to you and yours.
O let you know we
are still alive, despite what you might have heard.
O make sure we keep
in touch, so we have a “what not to do” example for the kids.
O be done writing now.
If you ever find yourself in town,
O please come by, we’d
love to see you!
O don’t hesitate to
let us know you were here.
O just remember, we’re
away a lot.
O I’ll bet you’ll be
wondering how you got here, you lush!
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all
set.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen
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