I just finally figured out the main reason I’m not a vegan.
Besides their whole incomprehensible No Bacon policy, I mean.
It hit me this Sunday on St. Patrick’s Day. While 99.9% of
Americans were joining me in celebrating our Irish-ish heritage, the vegans
were left out again. I think this might be why many of them seem so bitter. Vegans
are sadly incapable of properly celebrating anything.
There are two key components to a St. Patrick’s Day party.
Green beer and corned beef. Assuming the green beer dye was not animal- or
insect-based, the vegans could get half, and arguably, the most important part,
Irish-ly speaking, of the celebration. But they can’t have the full-meal-deal,
as it were. Corned beef is amazing, and they are missing out on it.
Corned beef is traditionally cooked with potatoes and
cabbage. Those are vegan-approved, but not when cooked with the corned beef in the crock pot, as God intended. So, along
with their green beer, vegans are forced to eat regular cabbage – probably uncooked
and raw, knowing them – and boring potatoes with no butter, sour cream, or even
bacon bits. Just dry potatoes with chives. Chives are meant to be held onto
your potato bites by sour cream, nature’s delicious adhesive. They probably
just fall off onto the plate or into your lap without it. That’s no kind of
celebration.
And this self-inflicted holiday exclusion continues
year-round. Thanksgiving turkey? Nope. How about some Thanksgiving tofurkey?
There’s nothing to be thankful for there.
Christmas Cornish game hens? New Year’s polska kielbasa? Valentine’s
Day milk chocolates? Easter ham? Cinco de Mayo carne asada street tacos?
Memorial Day burgers? Independence Day hot dogs? Labor Day meat lover’s delight
pizza? Columbus Day leg of lamb? Veteran’s day shish kebab, abalone, or meat
and cheese fondue (your choice, because freedom)? Nope, nope, nope, and more
nope.
And forget holidays for a minute. What do you do when you
get the big promotion at work? Or for your anniversary, or birthday? You go out
to dinner and you get the steak. Or the lobster. Or the crab. Or salmon.
Whatever.
How does a vegan even celebrate good news? “Hey, I just
found out we’re getting a huge unexpected tax refund. Let’s go out to dinner
tonight. We’ll order the whole eggplant!”
I had never understood why vegans are always trying to persuade
other people to join them on their meatless non-thrill ride. I mean, how can
you go through life never eating pulled pork nachos? It doesn’t make any sense.
In light of this new revelation, I think it might be a “misery loves company” thing.
Now that we know they’re secretly unhappy, I think it’s time
we turn the tables on them. We owe it to every vegan we meet (meat?) to extoll
the benefits of beef and pork products. If even one or two of them can finally
know what it means to truly celebrate, it will all be worth it.
But be smart about it. Offer them some of your omelet or
grilled chicken sandwich at first, just to start them off slow. Don’t start
with baby back ribs or a T-bone. You learn to drive in a Honda, not a Ferrari.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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