This just in from the news desk, heiress to the billion-dollar
Hot Pockets fortune, Michelle Janavs, has just been sentenced to five months in
jail for attempting to get her two daughters into college by paying now infamous
William “Rick” Singer, the Newport Beach “college admissions consultant,” over
three hundred thousand dollars in cash and frozen food.
Janavs paid Singer one hundred thousand dollars to
facilitate the bribing of a high school testing official and two hundred
thousand dollars to buy a USC administrator’s approval of a bogus sports
admission.
Police were already investigating Singer and his phony
foundation, but may not have found out about his dealings with Janavs, had it
not been for the eighteen-wheeler of Hot Pockets that backed up to his office
one afternoon. Apparently, he had requested a portion of his illegal
compensation in the form of the delicious microwavable frozen snack food.
Initially, authorities feared the worst when the surveillance
teams reporting Singer buying twenty full-size chest freezers over the course
of week. Thankfully, he had not graduated to mass murder and body storage, and
the police simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief and had a new lead to
follow when the Hot Pockets truck arrived.
The trail to the Janavs family’s huge front door was a short
one. Conspicuously missing from the tests allegedly taken by the Janavs girls
were the tell-tale ever-present greasy fingerprints and marinara stains. And
authorities were immediately suspicious about the USC admission under the guise
of being an elite beach volleyball player, since both daughters, having been
raised from a babies on nothing but Hot Pockets and ranch dipping sauce, each weigh
close to seven hundred pounds.
Facing five months in jail, Michelle Janavs’ legal team has
worked out a special arrangement with the California Institution for Women and Day
Spa in Corona, California, where she will be housed. Michelle’s team of
personal physicians submitted a three-thousand-page document to the courts
detailing her fragile health condition.
Essentially, due to a lifetime of eating nothing but Hot
Pockets, she could die almost instantly if she consumes anything else, other
than diet soda, of course. “We need to maintain her saturated fat and sodium
levels at their normal six thousand percent of the recommended daily value,” said
her lead doctor, “or the consequences could be dire. Hot Pockets, and Hot
Pockets alone are the best way to do that.”
“Prior to arriving here in Corona, Mrs. Janavs will have a
minimum of four hundred sixty-five boxes of Hot Pockets delivered for her
personal consumption, plus any she plans to trade for cigarettes and shivs,”
CIWDS warden Janet Stevens told us. “We are having to add a second walk-in
freezer here to accommodate her special dietary restrictions.”
“We’re excited about her coming here,” an anonymous guard at
the prison shared with us. “Given her history, we figured she’d be up for
bribing us, which she totally was. She’s bringing in an additional four full
trucks worth to take care of all the guards’ families. It’s going to be amazing.
We love Hot Pockets!”
Happily, not all clouds have a silver lining. Some are lined
with a crispy crust and seven thousand-degree mozzarella cheese.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
No comments:
Post a Comment