I turned 48 years old a few days ago. I would assume that
sneaking up on 50 gets some people depressed, but for me it was a happy
occasion, because up until three or four days before my birthday I thought I
was turning 49, so when I actually did the math I got a bonus year. I’m sure I’ve
taken many years off my life through bad diet and exercise choices, but never mathematically.
Getting old obviously has its advantages, and they say with
age comes wisdom. Unfortunately, I wish that were more true. Nonetheless, in
honor of living through another trip around the sun, I have added to my list of
thoughts, observations, and acquired “wisdom.”
Here it is - one for each year. You’re welcome, America.
1. There are two
kinds of people in the world. Those who prefer the toilet paper to come off the
top of the roll, and those who are wrong.
2. If we could somehow
collect the amount of time, energy, and money expended on the fact that Harry
and Meghan renounced the throne, I’m convinced we could cure at least one of
the cancers.
3. The three-second
rule has a lot of leeway depending on if what you dropped was the last one.
4. People who say
things like, “We’re going to cross-functionalize and parallel task your
mission-critical bandwidth,” don’t understand what they’re saying any more than
you do.
5. I dance like I
just walked into a spider web.
6. Pi and the
circumference of a circle have a similar relationship to pie and the
circumference of a person.
7. Here’s the main difference
between men and women: Men can look at an ad for women's underwear and get
excited. I’m not talking about women in
underwear, just the underwear itself. Women do not get excited looking at
pictures of boxer shorts.
8. You are
wholeheartedly fooling yourself if you think the government is efficient at
anything except taking your money.
9. The clearest
evidence that capitalism beats communism is that Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos both
own multiple space rockets. Suck it, North Korea.
10. If you give
enough money to the right charities, you will never have to buy address labels
again.
11. Owning a pool in
the winter is like making payments on your new snowmobiles all summer.
12. You cannot use
the phrase, “To be honest with you...” without giving the listener the impression you
aren’t always being honest.
13. When pulling a stump
out of your front yard with a chain and your truck, make sure the roots don’t
have ahold of your water main. Trust me.
14. When packing
thirteen suitcases into the car for your wife, is it impossible to have ten of
them be “on top” so she can get to them easily.
15. If one of my boys
saw their brother in a fight, I'm certain they would jump in and help. I'm just
not sure which side they'd be on.
16. You can ask
someone to do something, or you can tell them how you want it done, but you can’t
do both.
17. A good indicator
of where you are in life is this: Does the advertisement of free food still
affect your decision making?
18. Fabric softener
sheets go in the dryer, not the washer. Just FYI. I’m not saying I didn’t know
that.
19. There is no “t”
or “t” sound in the word across. There is no “b” or “b” sound in the word
supposedly. Please pronounce accordingly.
20. Men are far more
likely to clean things with spit than women are.
21. Money and toilet
paper have something in common – They’re both easy to take for granted until
you run out. Also, in totally opposite, but equally dire situations, they can
be substituted for each other.
22. There are very
few things in life that can make you feel as special as the phrase, “or current
resident.”
23. If you ask any
guy to tell you a story about a time he almost died, he will have four stories
just off the top of his head, and one will be from this year. If you ask women
the same question, most of them will look at you like you’re crazy.
24. One sure sign of
getting old – When you start sitting down to put on your pants.
25. Children and
ceiling fans are simply incompatible. It’s science.
26. In life, it is
very important to remember where you are and why you're there. That way, when
your podiatrist tells you to drop your shorts, you’ll ask some questions first.
27. Your dog is
convinced it has saved you from being murdered at least a thousand times by
barking at the front window, yet you remain completely ungrateful.
28. Hold out as long
as you can before putting on your first pair of magnifying “reader” glasses.
The second you do, your eyes give up like a marathoner crossing the finish
line.
29. People who don’t
use their cruise control on the freeway should be pulled over and water-boarded.
30. Politicians and
salesmen have something in common - If they say anything enough times, they
think it must be true.
31. Pointing out that
Van Gogh’s “girlfriend” was actually a prostitute during a fifth-grade art
docent lesson is not helpful for anyone involved. I’m not saying I did this,
and I’m not saying I didn’t do this – I just want you to know.
32. You cannot claim
to be a grown woman, fully capable of taking care of yourself, and also claim
that you do not know how to operate a toilet seat.
33. Speaking of
toilets – you really haven’t had the full parenting experience until your five-year-old
son wakes you up at 3:00 A.M. and says, “Dad, I dropped my underwear into the
toilet while I was peeing.”
So many questions…
34. Don’t waste your
time trying to have a logical conversation with a teenager. Their brains are
physically incapable of sustained logic. Instead, just give them healthy food
in large quantities and cross your fingers that they leave your house at some
point in your lifetime.
35. “To be or not to
be” is not the question. The real question is which towel in the guest bathroom
am I allowed to use to dry my hands?
36. Give a boy enough
time with any object, whether it be a stale Cheerio, a bouncy ball, a doll, or
a book, and he will eventually turn it into a weapon.
37. Getting passport
photos taken at Walmart seems ironic.
38. I am not even
remotely smart enough to imagine, design, build, understand, or fix a single
part of my smartphone, but I still have the gall to get very cranky and
entitled when it doesn’t work perfectly.
39. The idiots who
wear their pants down below their butts and have to waddle with their legs
spread to keep their pants from falling to the ground are the same idiots who are
most likely to try to run from the police at some point. That makes me smile.
40. Scientists
recently discovered that female dragonflies will fake their own death to avoid
mating with males. I’ll bet all the married scientists were like, “Yup.”
41. The person who
invented the hotel shower curtain rod that curves out away from the tub so the
shower curtain doesn’t stick to your arm should receive the Nobel prize.
42. The problem with creating
independent, strong-willed adults is that you have to live with independent,
strong-willed children.
43. Guys, do you ever
have trouble figuring out if you’ve had too much to drink? Here’s a handy
guideline:
“There is no way I can scratch that itch on my ankle while I’m
standing here peeing, so I will not try.” – You’re still OK
“I can totally do it without peeing on myself.” – You’re
drunk
44. A kid’s
definition of “pool toy” is different than an adult’s. We think of pool toys as
something designed to be played with in a pool. They define “pool toy” as
anything they own, if it happens to be brought into the pool. Like a bike or a
sandwich.
45. No matter who you
are, no matter where you're from, there is one shared experience that binds us
all together as one people: The sheer horror of the ketchup or mustard water
falling from the unshaken bottle and ruining your perfect bun. I feel your
pain.
46. If you are
looking to try it, kombucha is an acquired taste. Meaning you have to acquire
one of those long skinny cheese graters and completely scrape all the taste
buds off your tongue. Then you can drink it.
47. If you have to
choose, it makes more sense to become a strong swimmer than a strong runner.
You don’t automatically die when you stop running.
48. We recently went with a group of friends to a new axe
throwing place that served alcohol. I don’t care how many waivers I need to
sign – that is a step in the right direction for America!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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