This just in from the Italy news desk - Feral Pigs Eat and
Destroy $22,000 Worth of Cocaine Hidden in Italian Forest
You heard me right. Coked-up pigs.
The incident actually took place in November of 2019, but
Italy has been so busy dealing with the chaotic aftermath of wild boars on
cocaine, they were only now able to get the news out to the world.
Police report that a drug gang consisting of three Albanians
and one Italian, with a combined IQ of room temperature, attempted to hide
their stash by burying it in the forest. Apparently, this gang of geniuses did
not get the memo that the Italian countryside was already being ravaged by wild
boar, so they decided to make it much worse by giving them industrial
stimulants.
Police say the drugs originally came from Perugia, which is
obviously a made-up name since this is still an active investigation. REALLY
active! The cocaine was hidden in the Tuscan forest near Montepulciano
(literally translated: “multiple pigs”), while being peddled around the
happening party scenes in Arezzo and Siena.
Police first became suspicious when a highway patrol officer
clocked a pig running at over 200 miles per hour (4700 kilometer per hour) on
the A1. Shortly afterward, reports began to flood in from local farmers.
Mario deVino, a local winemaker, reported seeing two hogs
completely destroy his eighty-acre vineyard in just six minutes. “They were a
blur,” he told the police. “And they didn't stop there. After they were done
digging up all my vines and eating the grapes, they busted through the door to
the wine cellar and drank eighty-five bottles of chianti. And not those little
American-size bottles, either. They downed eighty-five of our Italian-size
restaurant table bottles! You know, the ones we wrap in wicker for no
discernable reason.”
The economic losses don’t stop in the countryside. Closer to
the big cities, thefts of Ferraris, Lamborghinis, and Maseratis have increased
six thousand percent since the cocaine stash was discovered by the swine.
In the cities of Arezzo and Siena, shop owners are reporting
wild boars breaking through their front windows and stealing gold chains and
open-collared silk shirts. “This was to be expected,” Siena Chief of Police Mario
Copalatta told the press. “That’s kind of the standard uniform if you’re going
to be driving a Lambo and doing blow.”
Nightclubs have had to bar their doors because of multiple
incidents of cocaine-fueled party pigs “hogging” the dance floors, harassing the
female patrons, and drinking all the vodka while refusing to pay, reportedly
shouting things like, “Why would I have to pay? I own this %$#*& town!”
And unfortunately, the problem seems to be fueling itself.
Tuscan wildlife biologist Mario Animalia reported that the population of wild piglets
has increased tenfold in just two months. “The standard gestation period for
pigs is four months,” Mario stated, “but the cocaine even appears to have sped
that up. It’s the perfect storm. The pigs are going “hog wild,” as you
Americans say, and the babies are being born twice as fast.”
At the current rate of spread, officials believe Italy will
be completely overrun with coked-up hogs in less than a year. While France,
Switzerland, and Austria frantically attempt to build boar-resistant border
fences, the inevitable spread may not just be contained to the land routes.
Adriatic Sea captains have already reported spotting “really
fast” swimming hogs heading offshore from the Italian coast. Presumably, they
are attempting to swim to Albania or Greece to find more cocaine.
Notably, Slovenia, on Italy’s northeastern border, reports
having no intention of building a border fence. Slovenian Minister of Tourism Marko
Discoteca told reporters, “Hey, man, we’re not gonna tell these hogs they can’t
come party in Slovenia. We love to party. We love visitors. We love to have a
good time. We’re not called Slovenia for no reason. ‘Love’ is our middle name, baby!”
Back in Rome, the Vatican leaders, ever the optimists, see a
semblance of hope. The Pope issued a formal call to all Italian Muslims and
Jews to consider a temporary lifting of the pork dietary ban. “We might be able
to chew our way out of this, if we all work together,” said Vatican spokesman Mario
St. Duomo.
Indeed, prosciutto sales are up drastically all across
Tuscany. “It’s amazing! We don’t even have to age it,” said Arezzo deli owner
Mario Coldcuttia. “It’s already tenderized from all the dancing and whatnot,
and completely marinated in red wine and vodka. It’s the best ham we’ve ever
had. Everyone who tries it immediately comes back for more.”
That could be the way out. After all, it shouldn’t take too
much to convince the country of Italy to take a little extra time for lunch.
Good luck, Italy. Buona fortuna.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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