Symphonic Sneezes

I Googled myself yesterday. I do that every few months to check on all those arrest warrants and bad credit claims that may or may not be against me, but I can pay just $9.95 for the PeopleSearch.com Premium Plan to find out for sure.

Also, as an author, I always enjoy seeing what crazy German, Arabic, and Indian book websites are selling my books, which are all in English. You can pick up a copy of Bullies & Bagels for just under 3,800 rupees. Can you believe it?

There are nine pages of me on Google, and yesterday I scrolled through all of them for fun and a couple of new items caught my eye, besides the possible impending credit and legal actions.

I am now actually quoted on wisefamousquotes.com under the “quotes about spit” category.

Men are far more likely to clean things with spit than women are. ~ Marc Schmatjen

I am definitely the originator of that quote, and while I appreciate them including me in their stable of quoted folks, I do have to take issue with the name of the website and its implied description of the website’s contents. In my opinion, “wisefamousquotes.com” should probably contain only wise quotes by famous people, or famous quotes by wise people, or some combination thereof.

My quote about spit is not wise, and I am not famous. Simply having a quote category named “quotes about spit” calls the entire “wise and famous” premise into serious question, don’t you think?

Still, it was fun to see.

The one that really made my day, though, was a calendar event at The Virginia Discovery Museum. From their website:

The Virginia Discovery Museum is proud to partner with Charlottesville Symphony to offer virtual musical storytimes and instrument demonstrations. Meet a new musician each month as we learn about instruments from the brass, percussion, string, and woodwind families.

On December 4th, 2020, Katy Ambrose, who is the Principal Horn (Brass) for The Charlottesville Symphony, located at The University of Virginia, read (and played) the kids my book, The Very Sneezy Garbage Truck, and apparently introduced them to a DIY instrument called the Hose-O-Phone.

I spit out my coffee when I read that.

What happens when Sneezy the garbage truck picks up his weekly load at a new factory? Meet principal horn Katy Ambrose, from Charlottesville Symphony, and learn all about brass instruments as she brings “The Very Sneezy Garbage Truck” by Marc Schmatjen to life through sound during a virtual musical story time.

I clicked on their link to the DIY project and I could not be more sad that I only just found out about this and I didn’t have the chance to Zoom into the reading back in December. I would have loved to see and hear a professional musician, so skilled in her craft that she is the leader for her instrument in an actual symphony orchestra, make garbage truck sneezing sounds and air horn noises with a makeshift horn constructed from a funnel, a garden hose, and a water bottle cap for a mouthpiece.

I mean, I guess she could have used her actual symphony instrument, but in my mind, she’s reading my goofy book to a bunch of kids and making glorified farts noises with a hose-o-phone.

I emailed the director of programming at the Virginia Discovery Museum, first to tell him or her that they are a genius, and second to request a copy of the recording if it exists.

You can rest assured that when I return to in-person school visits and finally get to read to kids again, the kindergartners and first graders are going to see me walk into their classroom wearing a DIY Hose-O-Phone across my chest like a bandolier!

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

Copyright © 2021 Marc Schmatjen

 

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The English Sea - Repost

In honor of the release of the Second Edition of my very first children’s book, My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh, I thought I’d re-run a column that came out a few months after the First Edition was released.

The nice folks at the Roseville, California public libraries have inexplicably asked me to host the kick-off event for their 23rd annual Youth Poetry Contest. Apparently, they consider my children’s book, My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh, to be full of children’s poetry. I just thought it was full of rhymes, but who am I to argue? After all, they are the professionals here. They are even billing me as, “Local poet, Marc Schmatjen.” Who woulda’ thought, huh?

Thankfully, they were wise enough not to ask me to judge the event. I will simply be in charge of leading a large group of young children through some rhyming exercises and teaching them about the different kinds of poems. I figured that I could pull it off with a little luck and a lot of ad-libbing, so I accepted the job.

In honor of the event, I thought I would try my hand at some poetry. We’re going off the reservation a little this week, but I don’t want you to worry. I doubt that this will be a permanent thing!

“The English Sea” – A Poem of Sorts

Here in the English Sea, it is tough to grammatically wade.

When you hear English, you see, context must be weighed.

Sounding out a word ewe herd? There may be many ways, not just one.

Four instants, there are three ways two spell too, and to ways too spell won.

Consider this:

A bird with the flu, flew up our flue,

But our brand new gnu knew what to do.

You’ll want to cry foul, but alas, my poor dear,

It’s just a wayward ailing fowl and an African deer.

The sentence is sound, it’s grammatically right,

Although its content isn’t something I’d write.

The words all disagree, on the page or the pane,

But they are pronounced with true sameness. I’d call that a pain.

They have a real name: Homophones, don’t you know?

Do they make the English language neat and tidy? No, no, no!

To know your way through them, you need lots of know-how.

Are they easy and intuitive? No way, no how!

Some of them can serve to make sentences sweet.

To hold up your whole body is a feat of your feet.

And the presence of presents makes your birthday quite neat.

Some of them serve to make sentences insane.

If he rode down the road, you’d see him holding a rein,

But if he rowed down the road, then you’ve had too much rain.

But most of them serve to make you feel like you’re losing.

They’re right there, but they’ve left their chairs there. Is that amusing?

It is certainly not. That’s just downright confusing.

Dew knot give up yet. Try this little tail:

The heir to the throne was thrown through the air.

He gave his horse too much rein and regretted his err.

He ended up in the mud on his derriere.

But the err the heir dared was minor, he swore.

A riding faux pas in the rain, and a seat that was sore.

He knew an err in the reign could cost so much more.

It wasn’t so bad to be thrown from one’s steed,

The heir and his father, the king, both agreed.

To be thrown from the throne would be much worse, indeed.

Sea, now that wasn’t sew bad.

In order for your assistants to kindly deliver your correspondence on your stationery,

It would be of great assistance if your correspondents would kindly remain stationary.

On second thought, theirs no hope two bee had.

It doesn’t make sense, its hard not to err,

When many of the scents travel over the air.

My advice is two get reel good at math before you are grown,

Because this language will only make ewe moan and groan.

English has never made sense, and now you see it two,

Unlike dollars and cents, one and won don’t make to.

I really hope I’m not banned permanently from the public library system after this!

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen

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Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

Free Books at Walmart

We interrupt this regularly-scheduled column for a severe hand cramp. I am typing this with my left hand and my nose.

It all started a few months ago when I was contacted by the vice president. No, not that one. The vice president of the PTA at one of our local elementary schools. She was contacting me to set up an author visit, which is a normal occurrence, but this one had a twist. She was in the process of trying to get a grant to buy every single kid at the school one of my books. I was immediately in favor of the idea.

She continued to work hard and I went about my daily routine, which is centered largely around snacking, keeping my cheese dust-covered fingers crossed that she could pull it off. Lo and behold, almost a month ago, she called to tell me the good news that she had secured the money, and every student would get a book!

I hadn’t asked originally, but I just assumed she was working with the school district, or some other education-based entity to get the money, so I was surprised when she told me the funds were coming from Walmart. I immediately began to wonder who I had gotten myself involved with, but she assured me that she didn’t rob the Walmart, like I naturally concluded.

It turns out that every Walmart and Sam’s Club store in America has ten thousand dollars per year that the store manager is in charge of giving away to local non-profit and charity endeavors. How cool is that!? My books may not be in Walmart, but they are sponsored by Walmart!

I immediately inquired to our neighborhood Walmart about getting some funds donated to the newly-established Schmatjen Family Mortgage Relief and Vacation Foundation, but they apparently have strict guidelines about charitable status blah blah, or something. I stopped listening after they threw me out.

So why am I experiencing severe, physically debilitating cramping in my right hand, you ask? Well, I was given almost an entire month to complete the task of signing all the books, so naturally I left it until the last minute.

The school visit is tomorrow and I’m not even half way through yet.

I have to stop typing now. My left hand is starting to cramp up and my nose is getting sore.

If you know any experts in forgery who would work for beer and snacks, I’d appreciate a quick introduction. In the meantime, I’m going to go duct tape the pen to my right hand and try to keep going.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

What's in a Name?

Usually, at the beginning of each year I do an “About the Author” column to help our new readers get to know me a little better by learning some incredibly interesting facts, like my favorite breakfast cereal, and which shoe I put on first.

Recently, however, I have begun to notice how many other Marcs there are on Amazon.com, so in lieu of a “getting to know you” column this year, I thought I’d go with a “getting to know who I’m not” theme.

When you go to Amazon looking for one of my books (two-thirds of my sons think they’re really great), and you start typing my name in the search bar, things can get confusing.

For instance, if you just type in “Marc,” there can be a lot of misleading suggestions dropping down for you.

Marc Jacobs is not me. Apparently, he’s some big shot fashion guy from New York. He seems to only design things for women. In contrast, I know nothing about women and even less about women’s fashions.

Marc Anthony is a singer who is also not me. I can’t sing. I think he also dances, so that’s strike two. He might also have a line of expensive women’s hair care products. I don’t know anything about women’s hair care or even men’s hair care. I don’t even have any hair to care for. Strike three.

If you type in my first name, but have no idea how to spell my last name (and who could blame you?), but you suspect it might start with a consonant, you’d be right! Being the shrewd guesser you are, you would probably choose the right one and type “Marc S.” This still presents problems.

One of the first drop-down suggestions Amazon will give you is Bruno Marc shoes. Marc is my first name, not my last, and I don’t make shoes. I own shoes, but none by Bruno Marc. His shoes seem fairly affordable, though, so maybe I’ll grab a pair.

Marc Secchia might be your next choice. You’re getting closer, because he’s an author too, but he writes prolifically about dragons. I can’t even spell prolifically, and I don’t write about dragons.

You might be tempted to click on Marc Singer, but I’ve already told you, I don’t sing. And I was also not the super-buff star of the 1982 smash hit The Beastmaster, even though people get me confused with that guy all the time.

I am also not Marc Shapiro, even though he’s an author as well. He seems to write unauthorized biographies on semi-famous people. If I were going to write a biography on someone, chances are I would get their permission first. I hate getting sued.

If you happen upon Marc Stevens in your drop-down choices, beware. He writes what appears to be very low-budget erotica. I am a children’s book author. Those two things don’t go together.

Marc Simont and Marc Silvestri are also not me. They are illustrators of books. I am not. I wish I was, but my stick figures don’t even look like people. It’s sad, really.

If you have a near-photographic memory and somehow remembered that my last name starts with “Sch,” you can still get into trouble. Typing in “Marc Sch” brings up more issues.

Marc Schelske is a Christian author and also seems to be a singer. I’m a Christian, and also an author, but “Christian author” usually gets you a specific type of book. And we’ve been over the whole singer thing. The world does not need to hear me try to sing. The unruly crowd at the karaoke place made that abundantly clear.

Marc Schoen, a man who is also not me, is a Ph.D. in something or other who has also written books, two of which are entitled When Relaxation is Hazardous to your Health, and Your Survival Instinct is Killing You. He sounds fun, huh? I, on the other hand, want you to live a long, healthy life. And I think you should relax and take a break whenever you want, unless you’re my pilot.

Marc Schorin is not a real person, but I am. His name comes up because a lot of people who want to learn how to stop relaxing keep misspelling Schoen.

Marc Schiller is a real person, who wrote a real book about his really weird life story. He’s the real-life victim of the insane kidnapping and murder plot by three steroid-junkie Miami personal trainers known as the Sun Gym Gang in 1994. Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson play two of the idiot bodybuilding criminals in the recent movie, Pain & Gain. I have never, to my knowledge, been kidnapped by muscular lunatics.  

Once you’ve got as far as “Marc Sch,” if you’re good enough to guess the next letter correctly as “m,” you should be home free. I think I’m the only “Marc Schm” on the Amazon suggestions list.

So there you go, new readers. Now you know a little about who I am and a lot about who I’m not, as well as how to avoid the pitfalls and successfully navigate to “Marc Schmatjen” on Amazon. Thanks for joining us! Browse around a while and see if there’s anything that catches your eye. And for any of you veteran readers who already have some or all of my books, I would sincerely appreciate an honest Amazon review from you or your kids. Thanks in advance!

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

Witch Books Don't You Like?

I was selling and signing books at a recent event, and a grandmother was perusing my table, asking various questions. She was looking at my picture books for her kindergarten-aged grandkids, but she also had a fourth-grade grandson.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this or not, but I recently released the third book in the Sycamore Detective Agency series. It just came out last week. I think your family will like the series, and I was pretty sure her grandson would, too. So, I was trying to steer her in that direction.

I showed her the books, highlighting the shiny yellow cover of Case Number Three, hot off the press, and inquired about his reading level. I asked what kind of chapter books he was reading.

She responded that she didn’t know.

Trying a different angle, I inquired about what I consider to be the modern universal benchmark for assessing elementary-grade reading ability. (Plus, I just like mentioning my books in the same conversation as hers.)

“Has he read any of the Harry Potter books yet?” I asked.

That’s when things got weird.

She said, with total conviction, “Oh, I hope not. I hate Harry Potter.”

Umm… huh?

To me, as a father, an author, and a human, this idea simply did not register.

I hate Harry Potter. The strange words rang in my ears.

What???

She may as well have said, “I hate water,” or “Puppies are ugly,” or “I hate babies and pizza.” Any one of those things would have made as much or more sense to me.

I was so flummoxed by her comment, I wasn’t even able to continue the conversation. I simply didn’t know what to say.

If she had said, “I’m not sure. I’m not really too much of a fan of those books,” or, “I don’t know. I’ve never read any of them myself,” I might have been able to move forward with the chat. But she didn’t say that.

What she said was she hopes her grandson never reads those books because she hates them. I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask why! I have a life to lead, and in my mind, any person who is going to utter the words “I hate Harry Potter,” is a complete and total conversational and emotional wild card. Asking “Why?” would have been like pulling the pin on a “possibly dead” grenade.

Now, I realize that it takes all kinds to make this world go around, but I wasn’t even aware that this kind existed. Maybe I’ve been living in a literary bubble, but to me, Harry Potter is like a default setting. It’s the taco of the book world. Everyone likes it. At the very least, in the elementary school literary world.

With my mind spinning listlessly into the new reality of the existence of Potter Haters, I struggled to regain equilibrium on my life and on the task at hand – selling my books. After taking a drink of water and willing myself not to run away from my own author table in fear for my life, I said the only logical thing there was left to say.

“These books are nothing like Harry Potter.”

I signed all three of them, “Good luck, kid. You can read these when you’re locked in the closet under the stairs at Grandma’s house.”

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2017 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

Lego My Book Fair

Dear Scholastic and Lego Corporations,

I think I speak for all of us when I ask, can you both please just stick to your own product lines and stop trying to team up?

Lego, I’ve got some heartburn with you folks on a number of fronts, but let me focus on Scholastic first. Books. That’s what a publisher makes. I think you guys have forgotten that, so I just wanted to remind you.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to thank you for continuing your long tradition of school book fairs. You guys help raise a lot of money for our school each year, and we’re very appreciative. What we’re not super excited about, however, is all the extra crap you send along for the “book” fair. If I didn’t know any better, I would think it was a poster and toy fair that happened to have a few books.

My son doesn’t need an eraser that looks like a calculator. I was told at the beginning of the school year that kids don’t need to spell words on paper anymore, or figure out the actual answer to math problems anymore, so he really doesn’t need an eraser or a calculator, let alone a strange hybrid sold to him by a book manufacturer.

He also doesn’t need a poster of all the NFL helmets. He might want one, and I might consider buying him one, but I don’t want to do it at a BOOK fair. Same goes for plastic sharks on a stick, bouncy balls, and pictures of pop stars. I mean, Justin Bieber, Scholastic? Seriously? That kid wouldn’t know what a book was if I hit him in the face with it, which I would definitely do if given the chance.

Again, I think I speak for all of us elementary school parents when I say, the only non-book item we really need to see at a book fair is a bookmark. And we think those should be free, as God intended.

Now let’s talk about your new hybrid books, which is where Lego comes in. Son Number Three wouldn’t get off my leg at this year’s book fair about the Lego book he wanted me to buy him. Lo and behold, this “book” had a big clear plastic bubble built into the cover containing an actual Lego guy.

OK, so now I know why he wants it... Let’s see what the inside of the book has to offer... Oh, I see. For ten bucks I get this little Lego guy, plus a forty-page book apparently written by the Lego CIA, giving me the dossier on twenty different Lego guys, all of whom happen to be on Lego TV shows that Lego no doubt wants my son to watch.

The red ninja guy wears red all the time. He is on a TV show. His swords are sharp, and his head is yellow, even though you can’t see it under his red ninja guy ninja head wrap thing. He is awesome on the TV show. He likes sushi and running on the beach. You should stop reading this “book” and watch his TV show.

Hmm... Phenomenal content, Scholastic and Lego, but I think I’ll pass.

And, before you jump down my throat, Scholastic, I know Lego isn’t the only one responsible for hybrid books. We also saw books that contained shark teeth, and books that had plastic military dog tags. Son Number Three wanted all those books, too. That doesn’t make it better.

But, Lego, you guys have been on my list for a while, so I’m using this latest Scholastic book fair as a jumping-off point.

Here’s my main problem with you. You guys really gave my generation a raw deal. I have enough problems with fending off an entitlement mentality in my kids without you guys piling on. Back when phones were attached to the wall and Pluto was still a planet, all our Legos were square. Nowadays, my kids get all huffy if they can’t find the right color rear stabilizer fin for their rebel alliance snowspeeder with the smooth sweeping curved edges and the pivoting nose bar attachment. You know what that thing looked like in my day, kid? A bumpy green rectangle with razor-sharp edges, that’s what. We had to have an imagination.

You have replaced imagination with the Lego Club Magazine – an insidious publication that comes to my house each month and turns my kids into whiny, slobbering beggars.

You know what I could build with your amazing Legos when I was a kid? I could build a cabin. They were basically plastic interlocking Lincoln Logs. My kids can build a flying dragon that actually shoots round plastic fireballs out of its mouth. How is that fair to me at all?

And don’t even get me started on Star Wars. Those movies came out when I was still a kid, but MY kids are the ones that get all the cool Star Wars Legos? Where were you guys on that one? My generation would have loved Star Wars Legos. Our kids don’t appreciate them enough, because you offer them a hundred other TV/movie/Lego combinations. We only had Star Wars and E.T., man. That's all we had. And we had to wear corduroy pants and thick polyester shirts the whole time we were playing with our square, sharp, non-Star Wars Legos. My kids’ clothes are so damned comfortable compared to ours back then, it’s not even funny.

Sorry... I got a little sidetracked there. Where was I?

Oh, yeah. Can you both please just stick to what you do best? One of you just make books and the other one just make toys? I’ll leave it up to you to figure out who’s going to handle what. Thanks!

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh

I am one excited guy! My very first children’s book became available for sale this week. It’s entitled “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” written by yours truly, and illustrated by my wonderfully talented brother-in-law, Scott.

Scott and I self-published this book, and we couldn’t be happier with the result. It’s a collection of sing-song-y rhymes about ten African animals that come alive in a young boy’s imagination. Scott really brought the rhymes to life with his illustrations and the book turned out great!

Having three young boys of my own, I have read a boatload of children’s books, and the ones that my boys and I seem to gravitate toward have a common thread. They either have a storyline that goes beyond just silly stuff, or they have challenging words or rhymes.

With “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” I did something that I haven’t encountered in other children’s books, and it really makes it unique. I developed a repeating rhyme format and combined it with multiple-word rhyming. Here is the first rhyme to give you an example:

My Hippopotamus makes a-lot-of-fuss
when we play in the mud and muck.
And it requires quite a-lot-of-us
to get her feet un-stuck.

All ten rhymes carry the same sing-song format and most employ the multiple-word rhyming scheme, as in, “hippopotamus” and “a-lot-of-fuss.”

Younger children naturally pick up on the sing-song format, allowing them to easily memorize the verses as you read to them. As they do, they are learning a new dimension about rhyming that is most likely not being taught to them at school. The book also combines mostly plain and simple language with some more advanced words. This makes it an excellent book for children who are just learning to read on their own, as well as the older, more advanced readers.

I always thought it would be fun to write a children’s book, but I was never really motivated until my oldest boy was about three and a half. We had a pretty advanced comic-book-like story called “Captain Raptor and the Moon Mystery” by Kevin O’Malley. My son had checked it out from the library, no doubt based on the fabulous cover art by the illustrator, Patrick O’Brien. What three-year-old can resist space dinosaurs that fly in rocket ships? We liked it so much, we bought our own copy, and one night it happened. When I turned the page to continue reading about how the dinosaur crew, led by the fearless Captain Raptor (who sounds like John Wayne when I read it), was about to encounter a strange-looking group of aliens, my three-and-a-half-year-old son reached up and grabbed my arm and asked, “Daddy, can I do this page?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, to which he responded, “No one notices as a huge, menacing shadow passes over the clearing.”

He had just repeated, verbatim, the next line in the book.

That was the moment that I truly began to understand the power of a child’s brain and their capacity for information, and that was the day I decided to actually write a children’s book. I wanted to make sure that I contributed, however slightly, to helping children learn as much as they can in their formative years by challenging and stimulating those big, big brains they all possess.

We know you and your kids (or grandkids) will enjoy it, and we hope you will buy a copy or two to help me and Scott reach our goal of not having to go to those silly jobs of ours every day, so we can do this for a living! (We’re already working on the next book!)

You can get your copy of “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh” today at Amazon.com, or you can get it at a 25% savings by purchasing directly from the publisher at www.authorhouse.com

Thanks! You’ll love it!

-Marc


About the Author

Marc Schmatjen (pronounced “smidgen,” as in, just a smidgen of this or that) and his wonderful wife Sandra reside in Rocklin, California where they spend most of their time trying to keep up with their three rambunctious boys.

Marc was born and raised in Northern California and has been writing weekly articles since 2008, providing humorous commentary on life in America from a common sense perspective.

This is one of thousands of children’s books that Marc has read to his boys, but the first one he has written.


About the Illustrator

M. Scott Arena and his fabulous wife Jill call Lake Oswego, Oregon home. They have a gorgeous little girl, and are constantly amazed and delighted to see the world through her eyes.

Scott grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and has always been an artist, although this is his first professional endeavor as an illustrator.

He has a natural talent for bringing words to life, to the delight of young audiences everywhere.


See you soon,
-Smidge


Copyright © 2010 Marc Schmatjen