One of the great joys of parenthood is, of course, making
stuff up when your kids ask you a question that you can’t answer. It really is
the part of parenting that I enjoy the most. The thing I enjoy the second best
is hearing the random thoughts, jokes and words of wisdom that come out of
their mouths. Here are some of my three sons’ highlights:
I was eating lunch the other day with Son Number Three, who
at three years old is a notoriously slow eater. He actually ate his lunch at a
reasonable pace and finished before me, and wanting to praise that behavior, I
said, “You finished before I did. Good job buddy!”
He replied, “Yeah, I beat you up."
"No, you beat me."
He replied, “Yeah, I beat you up."
"No, you beat me."
Driving with Son Number Three, he pipes up from the back
seat and says, “Daddy, if you need to use the phone with two hands, the car
will drive itself.”
“I don’t think so, dude.”
“Mommy does it.”
I guess Daddy needs to
have a little chat with Mommy.
One of Number One’s best buddies was over at our house, and
all the boys were playing Star Wars. The six-year-old guest runs up to me wearing
a Darth Vader cape and brandishing a red light saber and says to me in a very
serious voice, “You cannot estimate our powers!”
I think you mean, “Don’t
underestimate the power of the Dark Side,” buddy.
Son Number One, while eating lunch, sets his sandwich down,
sighs heavily, and says, “Wow. It has been such a long day already, I feel like
it’s tomorrow.”
Been there, man.
Son Number Two, while on a bike ride around our neighborhood
says to me, “Dad, I’m thirsty.”
“OK. You can get some water when we get back to the house.”
“Yeah. I’m going to have a bagel and some water.”
Huh?
While riding in the car with the whole family, we had a very
rare few moments of silence. Prior to the calm, we had not been discussing
anything remotely associated with food, so it caught my wife and me slightly
off guard when Son Number Three comes out of the blue with, “Mommy, if you give
me four cookies, then I could have a cupcake.”
While I appreciate
your optimism, I’m not following your logic.
Our boys have always picked strange things to be jealous of
their brothers over. Son Number One has allergies, and Number Three was
apparently feeling left out when it came time for medicine.
“Mommy, I have allergies.”
“No you don’t.”
“Yes I do. I have two allergies in my eyes.”
We don’t have medicine
for that.
Upon entering a public bathroom, Son Number Two says to me,
pointing to the opposite wall, “Look dad, confetti.”
“You mean graffiti.”
“Oh, yeah.”
Son Number One and Number Two were attempting to play Frisbee.
They were too far apart from each other, and having no luck getting the Frisbee
to fly straight, so I offered some advice.
“Get closer to each other like when you play baseball catch
so you can control it better.”
“Dad, we don't control Frisbees. Frisbees control themselves.”
“Dad, we don't control Frisbees. Frisbees control themselves.”
I can’t argue with
that. That has always been my experience, too.
We had finished dinner and were in the middle of a dessert
of fresh fruit. Son Number One had apparently had his fill, and asked to be
excused. When I told him that he needed to stay at the table and visit while
everyone else finished, he asked for some more strawberries and watermelon. When
he had finished his second helping, I asked if he wanted more. He said, “No
thanks,” and then asked to be excused again. When I said no again, he asked for
more fruit. At that point his mom asked him why he kept eating after he had
asked to be excused. He replied, “Well, I don’t want to waste my time just
sitting here.”
When it comes to food,
growing boys are all business.
Son Number Two, eager to show off his new math skills,
exclaimed, “Dad, listen, I can count all the way to one hundred!”
“Let me hear it.”
“One, two, three, four, five, six, I can’t really do it. I
can count all the way to ten, though.”
He hasn’t quite
mastered the art of under-promise and over-deliver yet.
Our three boys share a room, with the oldest being in his own
bed, and the younger two in bunk beds. As I was turning out the light one
night, Son Number One made the observation about Son Number Three, “We’re next-door
neighbors when we sleep.”
Number Two calls down from the top bunk, “And I’m their
up-door neighbor.”
Can’t argue with the
logic.
One morning, at four years old, Son Number Two ran excitedly
into our room and yelled, “Daddy, my chin weighs six pounds!”
(After lying prone on
the floor with only his chin resting on the digital bathroom scale.)
Son Number Two had croup when he was four. After a bout of
coughing, he thought for a second and said, “Maybe I’ll cough up this bug and
we can see what kind it is.”
I wonder if he got croup
from lying on the bathroom floor with his chin on the scale?
I made a special outing with all three boys to get In-N-Out
Burger milkshakes. We had ordered and were waiting in the drive-thru line.
There was a diesel pick-up truck in front of us, and when I rolled down the
window to pay, Son Number One asked, “Why is it so noisy?” I told him it was
the truck in front of us, to which he responded, “Oh. I thought it was the
blenders.”
How big do you think
these milkshakes are going to be?
Speaking of fast food restaurants, I was eating at a Wendy’s
with Number One and Two, and we were having a very father-and-sons kind of
time, so I thought I would take the opportunity to tell them about the
wonderful story of Dave Thomas, Wendy’s founder. I explained to them that he
was adopted as a child, and how he always appreciated that fact, so with his
financial resources from his business he created the Dave Thomas Foundation for
Adoption. The boys listened attentively to my story, thought for a while, and
then Number Two looked up at me and said, “Dad?”
“Yes, Son?”
“I have a motorcycle on my shirt.”
Swing and a miss.
And my personal
favorite…
I had just come home from a long day at work, and I trudged
upstairs to find my boys playing in the game room. When he saw me, the first
words out of Son Number One’s mouth were, “I’m the town constable of Uranus.”
It doesn’t really
matter what kind of day you’ve had after hearing that. That’s funny right there!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2011 Marc Schmatjen
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