I got the best Christmas gift EVER this year. It’s a crappy ninety-nine-cent
as-seen-on-TV plastic bag sealer that is really hard to operate and works
poorly. I could care less about the bag sealer. I am in love with the little
cardboard box it came in.
The WORKWONDER SUPERSEALER is made in China by a Chinese company
that obviously has two copywriters. One of these people has some background in using
the English language. We’ll call him Bob. The other has to be the owner’s son,
and after disappointing performances in many different departments, copywriter
was the least harmful position his dad could think of to stick him. We’ll assume
the owner’s name is Mr. Wang. Mr. Wang doesn’t know any English either. Bob is
obviously terrified of Mr. Wang and won’t tell him that Son of Wang partied
continuously for four years at the international university in Beijing and knows
no English whatsoever.
In a few places on the box, Bob invites me to Just slide SUPERSEALER across bags to seal
in freshness!
Son of Wang tells me, Relaxed
onepulls, guarantees quality to retain freshness. Based on what we get from
Son of Wang in his main paragraph, I guarantee Bob helped him with the last
half of that sentence.
Here’s Bob’s effort on selling us on the amazing benefits of
the SUPERSEALER:
Finally an inexpensive
and easy way to perfectly reseal unused poutions of food. This amazing new SUPERSealer
creates an airtight seal that locks in freshness.
You simply slids
SUPERSealer along the edge of any bag and it’s sealed airtight. It’s that easy.
You’ll not only save on storage bags, but you can save even more buying bulk at
warehouse clubs. Just use your SUPERSealer to reseal any unused portions over
and over again!
I never claimed that Bob was great. I just said he has some
background in English. He’s not the best speller, but I do have to give him
credit for using American sayings like, “locks in freshness,” and “it’s that
easy.” That would suggest that he has a better than average grasp on American
English than your standard WORKWONDER employee.
Here’s what Son of Wang had to offer us. I swear, I am not
making any of this up, and keep in mind, folks, this is written on the SAME BOX
as Bob’s paragraph.
Have sometimes been
able to affect your state of mindbecause of a lot of situation such as damp ,
becomingmildewed , depraved , water leaking from in the dailylife, have used
you feel very vexed , good under this , have had the convenient plastic bag of
new model seal implement , have all have made stable , no matter howvexed your
nonutility be. Collection such as all food , clothing and other articales of
daily use , postage stamp, you have put plastic bag lining inside as long as
with them , seal machine has taken form lightly with convenient adheaive tape of new model as soon as the fault , one have protection against the
tide , mould proof, the herm etic sealing bag retaining freshness. Such is
simple , the simplicity is comfortable, be best life!
After reading the box about a hundred times (and laughing
out loud every single time), I have to assume this conversation took place at the
WORKWONDERS office prior to printing the box:
“My dad wants you to proofread my copy, Bob. What do you
think?”
“This is the most unintelligible thing anyone has ever
written. What the hell, Wang?”
“My dad is the owner. I’ll have you fired.”
“Looks great. Let’s print that box!”
Thank you, Son of Wang, for giving my family our new motto
for 2017.
Be best life!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen
