Let’s face facts – these are dark times in our nation’s history. My mask is starting to smell funky but I can’t wash it because it’s paper, there’s a national coin shortage of some sort that may or may not be affecting us in some way, and it’s an election year, so ridiculous politicians keep trying to get our attention. Add in the fact that the kids won’t leave the house and insist on staying home all day distance “learning,” and it’s easy to get discouraged.
But, my friends, we must not despair. We must look on the bright side of things. Sure, distance learning is just about the worst thing ever, but let’s try to find the good in it, shall we?
Here are fifteen positive things I can think of about the fact that our kids now go to school in our living rooms:
1) Teachers are probably saving hundreds of dollars on air freshener because the classrooms don’t smell like stinky teenagers anymore.
2) Teachers can now drink during school hours.
3) This is a great time for kids to improve their grades. It’s so much easier for them to cheat on tests now.
4) With the need to use so much technology now to even take role each day, teachers are unknowingly padding their resumes with IT skills. This will come in handy for the eventual career change after the nervous breakdown.
5) Kids’ eye-hand coordination will improve dramatically, since the absence of sports has freed up so much more video game time.
6) It’s never been an easier time to be a PE teacher or a librarian. Apply today.
7) The food service and janitorial folks are getting a much-needed break.
8) On-campus disciplinary actions are down a dramatic 100%. Vice Principals are now freed up to snack and nap.
9) Kids have no pesky opportunities for social-emotional growth, not having to deal with their peers in person, so they can happily stagnate at home in front of the computer in their pajamas. Yay!
10) Instances of lost retainers in lunchroom trash cans also down 100%. Retainers are now conveniently lost at home.
11) No tri-fold poster science projects this year! This completely frees up your night before it was due.
12) Back to school night now has a full bar.
13) Parents, no need to leave work early this year to get to the third-grade performance of Friendly Neighborhood Helpers in the multipurpose room. You can stay at work, in your pajamas, in your makeshift bedroom home office with the door securely locked.
14) Snow days are finally available nationwide, any time the internet goes out.
15) And now that they don’t get together in person, it’s a lot tougher for the high school girls to get pregnant!
See you soon,
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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