I turned 48 years old a few days ago. I would assume that sneaking up on 50 gets some people depressed, but for me it was a happy occasion, because up until three or four days before my birthday I thought I was turning 49, so when I actually did the math I got a bonus year. I’m sure I’ve taken many years off my life through bad diet and exercise choices, but never mathematically.
Getting old obviously has its advantages, and they say with age comes wisdom. Unfortunately, I wish that were more true. Nonetheless, in honor of living through another trip around the sun, I have added to my list of thoughts, observations, and acquired “wisdom.”
Here it is - one for each year. You’re welcome, America.
1. There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who prefer the toilet paper to come off the top of the roll, and those who are wrong.
2. If we could somehow collect the amount of time, energy, and money expended on the fact that Harry and Meghan renounced the throne, I’m convinced we could cure at least one of the cancers.
3. The three-second rule has a lot of leeway depending on if what you dropped was the last one.
4. People who say things like, “We’re going to cross-functionalize and parallel task your mission-critical bandwidth,” don’t understand what they’re saying any more than you do.
5. I dance like I just walked into a spider web.
6. Pi and the circumference of a circle have a similar relationship to pie and the circumference of a person.
7. Here’s the main difference between men and women: Men can look at an ad for women's underwear and get excited. I’m not talking about women in underwear, just the underwear itself. Women do not get excited looking at pictures of boxer shorts.
8. You are wholeheartedly fooling yourself if you think the government is efficient at anything except taking your money.
9. The clearest evidence that capitalism beats communism is that Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos both own multiple space rockets. Suck it, North Korea.
10. If you give enough money to the right charities, you will never have to buy address labels again.
11. Owning a pool in the winter is like making payments on your new snowmobiles all summer.
12. You cannot use the phrase, “To be honest with you...” without giving the listener the impression you aren’t always being honest.
13. When pulling a stump out of your front yard with a chain and your truck, make sure the roots don’t have ahold of your water main. Trust me.
14. When packing thirteen suitcases into the car for your wife, is it impossible to have ten of them be “on top” so she can get to them easily.
15. If one of my boys saw their brother in a fight, I'm certain they would jump in and help. I'm just not sure which side they'd be on.
16. You can ask someone to do something, or you can tell them how you want it done, but you can’t do both.
17. A good indicator of where you are in life is this: Does the advertisement of free food still affect your decision making?
18. Fabric softener sheets go in the dryer, not the washer. Just FYI. I’m not saying I didn’t know that.
19. There is no “t” or “t” sound in the word across. There is no “b” or “b” sound in the word supposedly. Please pronounce accordingly.
20. Men are far more likely to clean things with spit than women are.
21. Money and toilet paper have something in common – They’re both easy to take for granted until you run out. Also, in totally opposite, but equally dire situations, they can be substituted for each other.
22. There are very few things in life that can make you feel as special as the phrase, “or current resident.”
23. If you ask any guy to tell you a story about a time he almost died, he will have four stories just off the top of his head, and one will be from this year. If you ask women the same question, most of them will look at you like you’re crazy.
24. One sure sign of getting old – When you start sitting down to put on your pants.
25. Children and ceiling fans are simply incompatible. It’s science.
26. In life, it is very important to remember where you are and why you're there. That way, when your podiatrist tells you to drop your shorts, you’ll ask some questions first.
27. Your dog is convinced it has saved you from being murdered at least a thousand times by barking at the front window, yet you remain completely ungrateful.
28. Hold out as long as you can before putting on your first pair of magnifying “reader” glasses. The second you do, your eyes give up like a marathoner crossing the finish line.
29. People who don’t use their cruise control on the freeway should be pulled over and water-boarded.
30. Politicians and salesmen have something in common - If they say anything enough times, they think it must be true.
31. Pointing out that Van Gogh’s “girlfriend” was actually a prostitute during a fifth-grade art docent lesson is not helpful for anyone involved. I’m not saying I did this, and I’m not saying I didn’t do this – I just want you to know.
32. You cannot claim to be a grown woman, fully capable of taking care of yourself, and also claim that you do not know how to operate a toilet seat.
33. Speaking of toilets – you really haven’t had the full parenting experience until your five-year-old son wakes you up at 3:00 A.M. and says, “Dad, I dropped my underwear into the toilet while I was peeing.”
So many questions…
34. Don’t waste your time trying to have a logical conversation with a teenager. Their brains are physically incapable of sustained logic. Instead, just give them healthy food in large quantities and cross your fingers that they leave your house at some point in your lifetime.
35. “To be or not to be” is not the question. The real question is which towel in the guest bathroom am I allowed to use to dry my hands?
36. Give a boy enough time with any object, whether it be a stale Cheerio, a bouncy ball, a doll, or a book, and he will eventually turn it into a weapon.
37. Getting passport photos taken at Walmart seems ironic.
38. I am not even remotely smart enough to imagine, design, build, understand, or fix a single part of my smartphone, but I still have the gall to get very cranky and entitled when it doesn’t work perfectly.
39. The idiots who wear their pants down below their butts and have to waddle with their legs spread to keep their pants from falling to the ground are the same idiots who are most likely to try to run from the police at some point. That makes me smile.
40. Scientists recently discovered that female dragonflies will fake their own death to avoid mating with males. I’ll bet all the married scientists were like, “Yup.”
41. The person who invented the hotel shower curtain rod that curves out away from the tub so the shower curtain doesn’t stick to your arm should receive the Nobel prize.
42. The problem with creating independent, strong-willed adults is that you have to live with independent, strong-willed children.
43. Guys, do you ever have trouble figuring out if you’ve had too much to drink? Here’s a handy guideline:
“There is no way I can scratch that itch on my ankle while I’m standing here peeing, so I will not try.” – You’re still OK
“I can totally do it without peeing on myself.” – You’re drunk
44. A kid’s definition of “pool toy” is different than an adult’s. We think of pool toys as something designed to be played with in a pool. They define “pool toy” as anything they own, if it happens to be brought into the pool. Like a bike or a sandwich.
45. No matter who you are, no matter where you're from, there is one shared experience that binds us all together as one people: The sheer horror of the ketchup or mustard water falling from the unshaken bottle and ruining your perfect bun. I feel your pain.
46. If you are looking to try it, kombucha is an acquired taste. Meaning you have to acquire one of those long skinny cheese graters and completely scrape all the taste buds off your tongue. Then you can drink it.
47. If you have to choose, it makes more sense to become a strong swimmer than a strong runner. You don’t automatically die when you stop running.
48. We recently went with a group of friends to a new axe throwing place that served alcohol. I don’t care how many waivers I need to sign – that is a step in the right direction for America!
See you soon,
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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