I’m just going to come out and say it. Worst Cinco de Mayo
ever. Not only are we all still locked in our houses for fear of the mysterious
COVID-19, that may either give you a mild case of the sniffles or kill you instantly,
but now we have murder hornets to worry about. Gone are the carefree days of
taquitos and cheap Mexican beer variety packs.
The insect no one asked for, the Asian Giant Hornet, affectionately
nicknamed the Murder Hornet, has arrived in Washington state. They are a treat.
They grow to almost two inches long – you read that correctly – and between two
and fifty murder hornets can wipe out a hive of thousands of honeybees in just
hours. In one recorded attack on a hive, each hornet killed one bee every
fourteen seconds, “using powerful mandibles to decapitate its prey.” The massive
hornets literally bite the heads off the bees.
Fortunately, Asian honeybees have figured out a solution to
this problem. They clump together by the hundreds around a single murder hornet
and vibrate – yes, vibrate – which somehow, through mysterious bee vibration witchcraft,
produces heat. It can get up to one hundred and fifteen degrees inside a
vibrating ball of Asian honeybees, which cooks the hornet, but not the
superiorly heat-resistant bees.
Unfortunately, however, we don’t have Asian honeybees. We have
European honeybees here in the United States, which don’t possess the same
instinct, or perhaps ability, to vibration-cook a hornet. So, our bees just try
to sting them, which doesn’t work, because the murder hornets have an armored
suit not unlike a tiny flying stormtrooper. Our stupid bees are still busy trying
to sting them unsuccessfully when they get their heads bitten clean off.
And forget our bees, for a second, which are the pollination
keystone to virtually all our food. Never mind all that. Murder hornets can
kill people. Yay!
It’s not all bad news, however. The arrival of the murder hornet
could start a new food and drink craze here. The Japanese eat them, which is said
to leave a “pleasant tingling and numbing sensation” in the mouth.
No thanks.
They also make Murder Hornet Liquor. Apparently, when you
drown a murder hornet in alcohol, right before it dies it releases all its
venom. The clear liquor is then aged until the venom turns it amber, then sold
for ridiculously high prices at bars, mostly to middle-age men, who – this is
my shocked face regarding any story out of Japan involving middle-age men –
believe it makes them “more sexually potent.”
Yeah, that’s how that works, middle-aged Japanese guy. Good call.
Putting aside the exciting new food service industry and
male enhancement options available to us, you may be asking yourself, “How and
why has the Asian Murder Hornet of Death arrived on U.S. soil?”
Great question, concerned citizen. Scientists are “mystified.”
The hornets can’t fly over from Asia, and experts think they probably didn’t
arrive by cargo ship because they are so aggressive – and freakin’ huge – the
crew surely would have encountered them.
I’m not sure why the scientists are mystified. The answer to
how and why the murder hornets are here is obvious. They were obviously brought
here from Wuhan, China as a COVID-19 deflection tactic.
Deep inside the Wuhan virus lab, the following meeting obviously
took place:
Look, guys, we need to do something to get the heat off
us. The U.S. is not letting up about this whole COVID thing.
What can we do?
Hmm… another virus?
No, too risky. The last one was gnarly.
Right. Good call. What about another invasive species?
Those have been great.
Yes! Now we’re talking. OK, what do we have left here in Asia
that we haven’t sent?
Well, let’s see. We already sent the Burmese python. That’s
been eating everything in Florida for years.
The Zebra mussel has been clogging their pipes and dams
for a while now, and we already sent the Asian longhorn beetle. It’s killing
healthy trees like a spider monkey with a chainsaw.
How about a fish?
Nah, we already sent the Asian carp. It jumps into moving
boats and knocks people unconscious. Hilarious! But I just don’t feel right
about sending another fish after the whole Northern Snakehead thing. That is one
crazy mother. Four feet long with a mouth full of teeth and no natural
predators is one thing, but the fact that it breathes air and can crawl across
land from lake to lake is ridiculous, even by Asian animal standards. That was
uncool.
Yeah, I almost feel bad about that one. Hmm… let’s see…
Oh! I’ve got it! Murder Hornets!! They have those stupid European honeybees
over there. The hornets will have a field day.
Yes! Great call. Pack your bags, Lee, while we make you a
fake passport. You’re going to Seattle!
It all seems perfectly clear, doesn’t it?
But proof or not, we still got the shaft on Cinco de Mayo
and now we have murder hornets to deal with. I guess we could get some Asian
honeybees, but that might backfire.
They would probably just end up killing all our sheep or
something with gigantic vibrating bee balls.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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