Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Cinco de Murder Hornets

I’m just going to come out and say it. Worst Cinco de Mayo ever. Not only are we all still locked in our houses for fear of the mysterious COVID-19, that may either give you a mild case of the sniffles or kill you instantly, but now we have murder hornets to worry about. Gone are the carefree days of taquitos and cheap Mexican beer variety packs.

The insect no one asked for, the Asian Giant Hornet, affectionately nicknamed the Murder Hornet, has arrived in Washington state. They are a treat. They grow to almost two inches long – you read that correctly – and between two and fifty murder hornets can wipe out a hive of thousands of honeybees in just hours. In one recorded attack on a hive, each hornet killed one bee every fourteen seconds, “using powerful mandibles to decapitate its prey.” The massive hornets literally bite the heads off the bees.

Fortunately, Asian honeybees have figured out a solution to this problem. They clump together by the hundreds around a single murder hornet and vibrate – yes, vibrate – which somehow, through mysterious bee vibration witchcraft, produces heat. It can get up to one hundred and fifteen degrees inside a vibrating ball of Asian honeybees, which cooks the hornet, but not the superiorly heat-resistant bees.

Unfortunately, however, we don’t have Asian honeybees. We have European honeybees here in the United States, which don’t possess the same instinct, or perhaps ability, to vibration-cook a hornet. So, our bees just try to sting them, which doesn’t work, because the murder hornets have an armored suit not unlike a tiny flying stormtrooper. Our stupid bees are still busy trying to sting them unsuccessfully when they get their heads bitten clean off.

And forget our bees, for a second, which are the pollination keystone to virtually all our food. Never mind all that. Murder hornets can kill people. Yay!

It’s not all bad news, however. The arrival of the murder hornet could start a new food and drink craze here. The Japanese eat them, which is said to leave a “pleasant tingling and numbing sensation” in the mouth.

No thanks.

They also make Murder Hornet Liquor. Apparently, when you drown a murder hornet in alcohol, right before it dies it releases all its venom. The clear liquor is then aged until the venom turns it amber, then sold for ridiculously high prices at bars, mostly to middle-age men, who – this is my shocked face regarding any story out of Japan involving middle-age men – believe it makes them “more sexually potent.”

Yeah, that’s how that works, middle-aged Japanese guy. Good call.

Putting aside the exciting new food service industry and male enhancement options available to us, you may be asking yourself, “How and why has the Asian Murder Hornet of Death arrived on U.S. soil?”

Great question, concerned citizen. Scientists are “mystified.” The hornets can’t fly over from Asia, and experts think they probably didn’t arrive by cargo ship because they are so aggressive – and freakin’ huge – the crew surely would have encountered them.

I’m not sure why the scientists are mystified. The answer to how and why the murder hornets are here is obvious. They were obviously brought here from Wuhan, China as a COVID-19 deflection tactic.

Deep inside the Wuhan virus lab, the following meeting obviously took place:

Look, guys, we need to do something to get the heat off us. The U.S. is not letting up about this whole COVID thing.

What can we do?

Hmm… another virus?

No, too risky. The last one was gnarly.

Right. Good call. What about another invasive species? Those have been great.

Yes! Now we’re talking. OK, what do we have left here in Asia that we haven’t sent?

Well, let’s see. We already sent the Burmese python. That’s been eating everything in Florida for years.

The Zebra mussel has been clogging their pipes and dams for a while now, and we already sent the Asian longhorn beetle. It’s killing healthy trees like a spider monkey with a chainsaw.

How about a fish?

Nah, we already sent the Asian carp. It jumps into moving boats and knocks people unconscious. Hilarious! But I just don’t feel right about sending another fish after the whole Northern Snakehead thing. That is one crazy mother. Four feet long with a mouth full of teeth and no natural predators is one thing, but the fact that it breathes air and can crawl across land from lake to lake is ridiculous, even by Asian animal standards. That was uncool.

Yeah, I almost feel bad about that one. Hmm… let’s see… Oh! I’ve got it! Murder Hornets!! They have those stupid European honeybees over there. The hornets will have a field day.

Yes! Great call. Pack your bags, Lee, while we make you a fake passport. You’re going to Seattle!

It all seems perfectly clear, doesn’t it?

But proof or not, we still got the shaft on Cinco de Mayo and now we have murder hornets to deal with. I guess we could get some Asian honeybees, but that might backfire.

They would probably just end up killing all our sheep or something with gigantic vibrating bee balls.

See you soon,


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