Amid the many news reports and ripe opportunities for new taxes
brought about by the severe drought in California, one crucial element to the
story may not be getting the attention it deserves.
Lake Tahoe is low.
The water level in the usually pristine lake is now as much
as a full few inches lower than normal. This has caused a mild panic among the
lake’s well-heeled gentry. Many shoreline homeowners have been forced to gasp
in disbelief, as their once unparalleled view now includes slightly more of
their dock pilings than normal and sometimes even unsightly mud.
But if you think these captains of industry and third and
fourth-generation trust fundees are going to take this lying down, you’ve got
another thing coming.
We caught up with Lars Networth, President of the Establishment
for a Lifelong Ideal Tahoe Experience - Shoreline Owners Brotherhood, or ELITE
SOBs for short, who outlined the bold initiative for us.
“The plan is simple. Simply brilliant, that is,” Lars
explained, on the deck of his seventy-foot Princess M-Class yacht earlier this month.
(A yacht, by the way, that Lars is now being forced to moor a full two feet
farther off shore.) “We are simply going to raise the lake back to its
appropriate level by filling it back up.”
So, the ELITE SOBs
have devised a simple and clever plan to get things back to normal. How will it
work?
“Bottled water,” Lars explained. “Simple and easy.”
Bottled water?
“Of course,” Lars replied impatiently.
How much will you need?
“Well, we’ve dropped below the natural rim of the lake, and
we need to get it back up there. But we certainly don’t need to spend any more money
getting it up any further than that. If we did, our investment would just be
pouring out into the Lower Truckee River. We certainly don’t need to be
providing Truckee and Reno with anything for free, now do we?” Lars replied
with his trademark knowing grin.
Why bottled water?
“Well, that should be obvious, even to someone such as
yourself,” Networth replied. “There isn’t enough good non-bottled water around
here, as if there is such a thing, or we wouldn’t find ourselves in this sticky
predicament, now would we?”
Interesting. How is
the plan progressing?
“There is no doubt that the Establishment will go through
with the plan,” Lars replied indignantly. “It’s going to happen. We are simply stalled
in a debate concerning which brand to use.
We’re obviously going to save the Acqua Panna and the San Pellegrino
for drinking. I mean, we can’t be running out of those, now can we?” Lars
chuckled.
“But you know how it is. Well, you might not, actually. But
anyhow, when you have a committee situation, there is always give and take. We’re
currently locked in a debate over the two obvious choices; Fiji or Evian.
We have a faction insisting on filling the lake with Perrier
but there is some debate over what the bubbles might do to the fish. Off the
record, we only eat Japanese sushi and Chilean sea bass, and none of us fish
for sport, so we don’t really care, but there is the whole ‘green appearance’
issue to consider. More importantly, there is some concern over at the Tahoe
Yacht Club about the effects of carbonation on the finish of our Gar Woods and
Chris Crafts. Lots of things to consider, don’t you know?” Networth said,
standing up to strike a gallant pose at the ship’s railing.
“Would you believe we even have a member who wants to use Aquafina
because it’s cheaper? Can you imagine? We might as well use Dasani or tap water
from Kansas, for goodness sake. I don’t have to tell you he’s not old money. Owner
of a construction conglomerate of some sort. I don’t think you’ll be shocked
when I tell you he’s on the south shore. The Nevada side, obviously.”
Lars gazed out across the ever-so-slightly-receding water at
his kingdom.
“If only Glaceau made a blue vitamin water,” he added wistfully.
“Well, anyhow, obviously, once the plan has been put in
place and the lake has been restored to its proper viewing level, we ELITE SOBs will need to enforce a strict no usage policy for any non-shoreline owners. Everyone
will still have the benefit of the view of the lake, as before, but we can’t
have just anyone swimming or boating in our investment, now can we?”
Obviously not.
“And we’ll finally be rid of that infernal eyesore of a paddle
boat, the Tahoe Queen,” Lars said, maniacally stroking his well-manicured
goatee. “Finally.”
OK. Well, thanks for
your time, Lars. And good luck to you and the other ELITE SOBs. We appreciate
your efforts and wish you all the success in the world.
“Obviously,” returned Lars Networth. “We’re doing this for
everyone, after all.”
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
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