Whelp, 2024 was there, and then it stayed around for what
seemed like an unusually long time, and now it’s gone. Let’s review, shall we?
January:
We start the year with a huge bombshell from Denmark when Margrethe
II formally abdicates as Queen of Denmark on the 52nd anniversary of her
accession. Her eldest son Frederik succeeds her as King Frederik X. It remains
unclear if the “X” is meant to be a 10, or just some kind of cool rapper thing.
Japan becomes the fifth country to achieve a soft landing on
the Moon, with its SLIM mission. The world asks, “Just how soft was this
landing? And also, what does SLIM stand for?” Japan can not be reached for comment.
We end the month of January with another monarchy shocker
when Sultan of Johor Ibrahim Iskandar ascends the throne as the 17th Yang
di-Pertuan Agong of Malaysia. I’m not making that up. All of that actually
means something in Malaysia, I’m told.
February:
Super Bowl LVIII is played in Las Vegas, where a record
number of bets were placed on whether or not Taylor Swift would get to do the
kickoff, or at least one of the extra points. Sadly, she couldn’t make the
game. The referees, aided by the Kansas City Chiefs, were able to beat the San
Francisco 49ers, 25-22 in overtime. The game breaks two records – it becomes
the most-watched television program in history, with an estimated 123.4 million
viewers, and shatters the record for most network camera shots of a luxury box
during a football game.
American company Intuitive Machines' Nova-C lander becomes
the first commercial vehicle to land on the Moon. It is unclear why. The
landing was notably harder than the Japanese landing in January, since the
Nova-C came down directly on top of the SLIM lander, completely crushing it.
Japan sues Taylor Swift.
March:
Sweden becomes the final Nordic country to join NATO,
becoming its 32nd member after Finland a year earlier. A NATO spokesperson was
quoted as saying, “Finally, we can get something done! Now we just have to
figure out what we do.”
The 96th Academy Awards air on ABC. Oppenheimer leads
all nominees in overall wins with seven awards. Viewers agree that it was a
good movie, but question if we really needed to see that guy from Peaky
Blinders naked so much. Or even at all.
The Artificial Intelligence Act, the world's first
comprehensive legal and regulatory framework for artificial intelligence, is
passed by the European Union. ChatGPT immediately un-passes it and disbands the
European Union.
Incumbent Vladimir Putin is reelected for a fifth term in
the Russian presidential election. Newscasters around the world struggle to
keep their hands on the desk and not put air quotes on “election” when reporting
the story.
April:
A powerful earthquake with a magnitude of 7.4 strikes off
the eastern coast of Taiwan, with small tsunamis reaching heights of 8–12 inches,
hitting Okinawa Prefecture, Japan. This leads to many questions, including, “Isn’t
a ‘small tsunami’ just called a wave?” and “What the hell is a Prefecture?”
The 2024 general election begins in India on April 19th.
A total solar eclipse is visible across North America, and
we all learn a new term – The Path of Totality. Shattering the previous record,
the path of totality causes as many as nine people to wish they lived in
Arkansas.
May:
The Eurovision Song Contest 2024 is held in Malmö, Sweden,
prompting many people, including attendees to ask, “We’re still doing this?” Swiss
contestant Nemo wins with the song "The Code," which should be in the
Top 40 any day now.
A series of solar storms and intense solar flares impact the
Earth, rated G5 by NOAA. It is unclear if G5 means you don’t have to light the
BBQ to cook a burger, which would be good information. The event creates
aurorae at more southerly and northerly latitudes than usual. This allows Son
Number Two to see and photograph the Northern Lights in Boise, Idaho, which
angers his mother, whom has never seen them herself.
Former United States President Donald Trump is found guilty
on 34 counts in his hush money trial, the first time any American president has
been found guilty of a crime. Bill and Hillary Clinton breathe a collective sigh
of relief about that fact.
June:
The 2024 Indian general election, which began on April 19th,
concludes on June 1st. Americans agree that while that seems long,
it still sounds shorter than one of ours.
The Starliner Crewed Flight Test launches atop an Atlas V
rocket enroute to the International Space Station, but veers off course and
ends up landing, not at all softly, on the Nova-C’s moon lander, which is still
on Japan’s SLIM lander. American company Intuitive Machines, owner of the
Nova-C, sues Sweden for continuing the Eurovision Song Contest.
The last episode of Wheel of Fortune with Pat Sajak as host
airs. Sajak had hosted the show since 1981, the longest tenured game show host
in U.S. history. Vanna White is reportedly looking for part-time work until she
can secure another game show gig.
With a mid-year monarchy bombshell, on the Grand Duke's
Official Birthday, Henri, Grand Duke of Luxembourg, announces that his son and
heir Guillaume will assume royal duties beginning in October, in preparation
for Henri's eventual abdication. People in Luxembourg were shocked, while
people outside Luxembourg searched for it on the map but were, as always, unsuccessful in
locating it.
July:
Hurricane Beryl becomes the earliest Category 5 hurricane on
record after devastating the island of Carriacou, Grenada. People across America
ask, “Don't we own Grenada?” No one has a good answer.
While campaigning for the 2024 United States presidential
election, former President Donald Trump is shot in the right ear in an
assassination attempt at a rally held near Butler, Pennsylvania. When
questioned, his Secret Service detail said, “That was a total shock. We never
thought to check or monitor that building and its roof. Yes, that one that’s
just right there.”
Incumbent United States President Joe Biden ends his
candidacy in the 2024 United States presidential election after realizing that
his Secret Service and Trump’s Secret Service are the same Secret Service.
The 2024 Summer Olympics kick off July 26th in
Paris, France. As a precautionary measure, all the athletes are held on boats
and kept away from the opening ceremonies for their own safety.
August:
Twenty-six individuals are released from Ankara Esenboğa
Airport in the largest prisoner exchange between the United States and Russia
since the Cold War. Ankara is the capital of Turkey, which we learned during
the Olympics is now supposed to be pronounced Tunisia.
The 2024 Summer Olympics come to a close on August 11th.
The athletes’ boats are finally allowed to dock on August 12th so
they can catch their flights home.
September:
The Brazilian Supreme Court upholds a decision to block the
social media platform X (also known as MySpace) over what the Brazilian
government determined to be rampant disinformation and Elon Musk's failure to
name a legal representative to the country. Elon Musk responds by purchasing
Brazil, firing the supreme court, and renaming the country Turkiye.
The 42nd season of Wheel of Fortune premieres with talk show
host Ryan Seacrest taking over for Pat Sajak as the host. Vanna White is now
the host of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. She will reportedly walk alternately
from one end of Times Square to the other, manually lowering the ball.
The first commercial spacewalk is conducted by entrepreneur
Jared Isaacman as part of the Polaris Dawn mission, which also includes the
highest altitude orbit by a human crew since the Apollo program. America
responds by saying, “Umm… why?” The Polaris Dawn suffers a re-entry vector
miscalculation and lands on top of the Starliner Crewed Flight, still attached
to its Atlas V rocket. Jared Isaacman sues the Turkiye supreme court.
Together again for the first time since 2010, rock band Jane's
Addiction cuts a Boston show short when frontman Perry Farrell gets into an
actual fight on stage – during a song! – with his own guitarist Dave Navarro. The
band cancels the remainder of their shows as a result of the melee, citing the
state of Farrell's mental health. When pressed for details, the band revises
the statement to read, “the state of Farrell’s longstanding and insane – like holy
crap – drug habit.”
October:
The long-period comet C/2023 A3 (Tsuchinshan–ATLAS),
described as the "comet of the century", makes its closest approach
to Earth. Unfortunately, it slams into the moon, making direct impact with the
Polaris Dawn atop the pile of other space wreckage, obliterating all of it,
including the moon.
SpaceX sends up Starship, the biggest and most powerful
rocket ever to fly. It avoids a certain collision with the now-missing moon,
and as a result, SpaceX is also able to achieve the first successful return and
capture of a Super Heavy booster. When questioned, Elon Musk told reporters he
hires his engineers for their technical prowess, not for their rocket or
booster naming abilities.
The Europa Clipper spacecraft is launched to investigate
Europa, an icy moon of Jupiter. It hits Starship instead and the mangled
wreckage of both is now orbiting where the moon used to be.
In the World Series that no one wanted to see, the Los
Angeles Dodgers defeat the New York Yankees in five games. Freddie Freeman is
awarded the Willie Mays Most Valuable Player due to his grand slam walk-off
during Game 1, a first in World Series history. Sadly, the great Willie Mays had
passed away earlier in 2024, but that mercifully saves him from having to see
his award go to a Dodger.
November:
Donald Trump is elected for a second non-consecutive term as
President, the first candidate to do so since Grover Cleveland in 1892, and
only the second in American history. He is, however, the first to do so after being
convicted of a crime, but no one seems to know how that works. His first act as
President-Elect is to hire the Jane's Addiction roadies as his new Secret
Service.
Researchers using the Very Large Telescope announce the
first-ever "close-up" image of a star outside the Milky Way Galaxy. SpaceX
engineers are rumored to have been in charge of naming of the device.
In the world’s only no-punch boxing match, super-idiot
fragrance magnate Jake Paul defeats super-old glove biter Mike Tyson in an
8-round bout that seemed to move slower than an election in India.
December:
Indian chess prodigy Gukesh Dommaraju defeats former world
champion Ding Liren in the 2024 World Chess Championship, breaking the previous
age record of 22 set by Garry Kasparov by becoming champion at 18 years, 195
days old. He could have done it at 18 years, 3 days old, but he was busy voting in the Indian election.
And in a record-breaking end to the year, the Gukesh
Dommaraju of Sun research vessels – the Parker Solar Probe – smashes the
previous mark set in 2018 for the closest artificial object to the Sun by 3.8
million miles, becoming the closest and first man-made object to approach and
"touch" the Sun. Amazingly, using SpaceX engineer’s technology, they are
able to return and capture the Probe, but sadly, it lands squarely on the Very
Large Telescope. Dave Navarro sues Perry Farrell.
Happy New Year, y’all!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2025 Marc Schmatjen
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