It’s the day after election day in the craziest and most
undesirable presidential election any of us have ever seen. Since Just a Smidge
is not a political column, the only endorsement you’ll find here is for the
Nacho Party. We love nachos here, and this is nacho political endorsement. I’m
not here today to discuss the candidates or the new president, even if you
wanted to, which you really don’t. You just want a drink. Go get one and come
back. I’ll wait...
OK.
Even if I wanted to discuss how deeply ridiculous and
troubling the quality of this presidential race was - which I don’t - that
would be the wrong thing to worry about in this process. We should really be focusing
on how ridiculous our election system is.
Don’t even get me started on the electoral college.
Seriously, I can’t start. I don’t know what it is or why it is whatever it is.
I was apparently absent during that day/week/month of middle school or junior
high or high school or college when I was supposed to be taught how this whole
thing works.
What I do know about it is that if you live in a state that
doesn’t agree with your political views, it totally invalidates your vote.
Imagine this scenario. Ten people are trying to choose a
movie to watch. You vote for Movie A, but you are sitting on a couch with four
other people and three of them chose Movie B. The other couch had four people
choose Movie A and only one chose movie B. Your Movie A won the popular vote
six to four, but since your couch can only hold five people, and the other
couch can hold eight, you all have to play Jenga instead of watching a movie.
That’s how the electoral college works.
But never mind that. Just put that out of your head because
there’s nothing we can do about the electoral college. Majority voting is
unthinkable, and besides, counting every single vote, preventing people from
voting twice, and preventing non-citizens or people who aren’t registered to
vote from voting in this day and age is completely unrealistic.
We simply don’t have the technology. It’s not like we all
have unique numbers assigned to us at birth that could be tracked in some sort
of electronic database or something. That’s just crazy talk. Hang on, let me use
my phone to track the exact location of my UPS package real quick...
OK, I’m back. That only took four seconds. What were we
talking about? Oh, yeah. We don’t have the technology to get rid of the
electoral college. Let’s focus instead on the fact that we have a multiple
political party system where only two of the parties ever get to debate for
your vote. Sure, Washington D.C. likes to placate you with some preliminary
debates with a stage full of candidates, but come closer to election time the “presidential
debates” only feature two out of the six candidates.
If they let all six candidates debate, you the voter might
screw up the nice two-party system they love so much. It would be a whole lot
harder to funnel all those tax dollars into their brother-in-law’s pockets if a
bunch of Libertarian or Peace and Freedom party losers were hanging around D.C.
watching what’s going on.
Since the two-party system is the only way to keep all the
money and power in the hands of the little club that knows what’s best for you,
the lowly voter, it’s best if they don’t let you get too out of control with a
lot of choices.
Think of it in terms of breakfast cereal, since it’s harder
to do this example with nachos.
You can only have one breakfast cereal for the next four
years, but since this is a free country, you get to choose. There are at least
six cereals to choose from. One out of six is pretty good odds. You should be
able to find one you like.
OK, let’s get to taste-testing.
Great. Here are your two choices.
Wait, what about the six?
We decided you didn’t need to sample the other four.
But I wanted to try all six.
No. Two is enough for a taste test.
But you didn’t even let me choose which two I get to taste.
These two are our best sellers. Just taste these two.
But I want to taste all six.
We don’t have the time or the money for all that tasting.
That’s ridiculous. Just give them to me and I’ll taste them
all.
No can do. Just taste these two here and choose one.
What if I don’t like either of them?
No problem. You can always choose any one of the six.
But I have no idea what they taste like!
Look at the boxes.
How do I know what’s inside?
We labeled them for you.
That’s ridiculous. I can’t choose without tasting them.
You have to pick.
This is ridiculous.
It’s time.
Well, crap. I guess I’ll take this one.
Sorry, you’re on the wrong couch.
That’s the U.S. election process, folks. Until we vote them
ALL out, nothing changes. Enjoy your crap-tastic flax nuggets with extra yellow
dye number five.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen
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