From: Google Maps Timeline
Date: May 8th, 2020
Re: Your April 2020 Update
This Timeline email is an automated summary of places you’ve been, which may be fewer this month due to the COVID-19 response in your area.
Here’s your new Timeline update!
You visited (1) city and visited (17) places
You traveled (110) miles, totaling (8) hours
Hmm, looks like you’re staying close to home and following COVID quarantine guidelines. Thanks for doing your part. We’ll all get through this together. Stay safe!
From: Google Maps Timeline
Date: May 8th, 2021
Re: Your April 2021 Update
This Timeline email is an automated summary of places you’ve been, which may be fewer this month due to the COVID-19 response in your area.
Here’s your new Timeline update!
You visited (4) cities and visited (37) places
You traveled (460) miles, totaling (26) hours
Well, it’s been a year and it looks like you are getting out a little more. That’s great, but let’s all remember that we are still being advised to limit our travel to only the necessary trips. Take care!
From: Google Maps Timeline
Date: June 6th, 2021
Re: Your May 2021 Update
This Timeline email is an automated summary of places you’ve been, which may be fewer this month due to the COVID-19 response in your area.
Here’s your new Timeline update!
You visited (6) cities and visited (56) places
You traveled (800) miles, totaling (54) hours
OK, let’s all remember that we’re not out of the woods yet. We still need to get a lot of people vaccinated before we can put this thing behind us, and you seem to be getting out quite a bit more. Looks like it’s mostly carpool type stuff between school and home, but we see you’re taking more trips out of town as well. Be aware that we all haven’t been advised that unnecessary travel is OK yet. Take care!
From: Google Maps Timeline
Date: June 23rd, 2021
Re: Emergency June 2021 Intervention
This Timeline email is an automated summary of places you’ve been, which may be fewer this month due to the COVID-19 response in your area.
Emergency June Timeline update!
You visited (54) cities and visited (232) places, a lot of
which we’re not even sure were actual places.
You traveled (4385) miles in just the last 18 days, totaling
more hours than we could count, even with our giant supercomputers.
We really need to check in with you! You seem to have gone crazy. We have record of you being at Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, so “bat guano crazy” might be a real possibility for you.
Look, man, Carlsbad is so hell-and-gone in the corner of New Mexico that there is no way you can convince us that was necessary. And speaking of unnecessary – the Roswell, New Mexico International UFO Museum? Really, bro?
You also stopped in a place called Cuba, New Mexico. Not sure what business you could have had there, but we have record of a post from your wife, laughing about “peeing in Cuba,” so it doesn’t seem like it was a work-related visit.
Speaking of peeing, we also have record of a post about your whole family peeing “on the middle of Hoover Dam.” We certainly hope there was a restroom involved.
Capital Reef National Park in Utah? How could that have been essential? According to our maps, there is no actual way to even get there from anywhere. We don’t even know what that place is. A reef in the middle of Utah? Sure, pal!
And what the hell is Dead Horse Point State Park? That sounds cheery. Looks like it is near Canyonlands National Park in Utah, but who has ever even heard of that place. Why, man? Why?
And then there were a bunch of places we thought you had just accidentally dropped your phone until we realized you were staying there.
Taft, California?
Glendale, Utah?
Primm, Nevada?
Dolores, Colorado?
I mean, what could possibly be in a place called Dolores, Colorado that you needed to go to? A cattle ranch? An alfalfa field? Besides being close-ish to Mesa Verde National Park, those seem to be the only two things happening in Dolores, according to our satellites.
Look, we’re glad you’re home safe and sound, but you need to settle down. Based on your phone movement, it doesn’t look like you’ve even left your living room today, so that’s a step in the right direction.
We also want to take this opportunity to introduce a new feature of Google Maps Timeline – the Family Factor Adjusted Equivalent Milage Calculator. Your actual map milage in the last three weeks was over 4300 miles, but based on the fact that your wife, children, and mother-in-law were in the car with you, that is the equivalent of driving across the United States, coast-to-coast, 78 times.
Congratulations on a record year!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2021 Marc Schmatjen
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