Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Hoarding Failure

My wife went to Costco the other day. We don’t do a Costco run more than once a month, max, so we always buy a couple packs of toilet paper and a couple packs of paper towels whenever we’re there.

She was stopped by the Costco toilet paper police and told she could only have one pack, because people are hoarding again.

C’mon, people! Are we really going to do this again? Didn’t we all learn the lesson in early 2020? COVID does not require more toilet paper! What is the matter with you?

Speaking from recent personal experience, having spent eighteen magical days inside my house while COVID kept me glued to our horizontal furniture, I can say without question that toilet paper is not what you need when you have the Vid.

In fact, I needed far less toilet paper than a normal 2+ week period, because I didn’t eat anything for about a week and a half. So, America, if you are finding yourselves once again concerned about the current state of COVID, I have a few suggestions for things to hoard, if hoarding is what makes you feel better.

Buy all the cough syrup you can find. It doesn’t help, but it makes you feel like you’re at least doing something to fight off the hellacious coughing fits.

Hoard Advil. You are going to have some serious all-over body aches. A little Advil will not be enough Advil, trust me.

Stock up on chicken noodle soup. It was about all I could eat for a week when I finally decided that I needed to eat something. And as your grandmother will tell you, chicken noodle soup is every bit as good as antibiotics in its healing powers.

If you want to spend your money, spend it on streaming services. You’re going to need to subscribe to all of them to have enough shows to watch while you melt into your couch from the fatigue.

Buy extra sheets. I was a feverish sweaty mess for the first week. You don’t want to be doing laundry when you have COVID. You don’t want to be doing anything. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.

While you’re at it, buy more pajamas. Same reason as the sheets.

And lastly, you should buy all the Gatorade you can find. Hoard the crap out of that magical sports drink. I’m pretty sure it kept me alive.

Just please stop hoarding the toilet paper. You don’t need more than normal, I promise, and your hoarding is making it difficult for those of us with teenagers that actually need those big Costco packs.

See you soon,



Copyright © 2021 Marc Schmatjen


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