We here in California are just finishing up our first month under the new “Hands-Free” cell phone law. We are still allowed to talk on the phone while driving, and we are still allowed to hold the phone in one or both of our hands while driving, we just can’t hold the phone up to our ear while driving. This confuses me a little. If I hop in my car, hit the road and hold a book up to my ear for the entire drive, I’m well within my rights under California law. Substitute that book for a phone, and I’m an outlaw. Interesting.
I think the idea is to reduce accidents. A few years ago I was hit by a guy who ran a stop sign. He wasn’t on the phone at the time, he was just a really bad driver. Maybe we should outlaw those. A long time ago, I got hit by a guy on the freeway in LA. He wasn’t on the phone either, he just dropped his cheeseburger in his lap. When he went for it, he lost control of his car and bounced off mine. Maybe we should outlaw cheeseburgers.
On second thought, this is America. We can’t outlaw cheeseburgers. It’s every American’s right to eat cheeseburgers. However, I believe we have a very serious freeway/cheeseburger/lap/collision issue that needs to be dealt with in a responsible manner by our legislators. I propose the hands-free cheeseburger amendment of 2008.
If holding a phone to one's ear has become such a menace to society, then the cheeseburger issue must follow suit! How many lives could be spared, how many dollars could be saved if we could just get a handle on the “burger sliding out of the bun due to slippery lettuce” issue. Or the “sauce dripping on the pants because of the unseen hole in the bottom of the wrapper” problem. Or the “two handed pickle removal while steering with one elbow” maneuver. So many different burgers, so many different problems.
A hands-free burger initiative could tackle all these very serious concerns and get them under control so our roads can once again be safe. If just one fender is spared, if just one pair of chinos is left unstained to be worn a second day in a row, it will all be worth it.
Now, I have no idea what the hands-free cheeseburger device will look like. What I do know however, is that if we can just get this legislation rolling, the American entrepreneurial machine will kick in to high gear, and we’ll have a new industry in no time. Bluetooth will no doubt be the leader with the quick launch of the “Blue Cheese Tooth” burger holder or the “Cordon Bleutooth” burger holder. Apple will be close behind with the introduction of the iBurger. It will hold five times the amount of burger and automatically reduce the calorie count to single digits, but it won’t be compatible with any of your favorite burger joints, and it will cost $499.00 I can’t wait to be the first to get one.
Now of course, all the hands free devices in the world won’t help people stay out of accidents as long as we continue to ignore the real problem on our roads. Crappy drivers. It doesn’t really matter what our oh-so-insightful government takes away from us next. Until we can figure out how to legislate away crappy drivers, nothing is going to change out there. I had another idea about more police patrolling our roads and tougher standards at the DMV, but that’ll never catch on. Makes way too much sense.
Oh well, got to go, this is my exit. Watch it jerk! I’m typing here!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2008 Marc Schmatjen
Have kids? Have grandkids? Need a great gift?
Go to www.smidgebooks.com today and get your copy of “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” Marc’s exciting new children’s book. Get ready for a wild rhyming adventure!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Hot chicks and cool dudes
One of the main differences between men and women can be seen in the simple truth about ambient temperature. Men are comfortable in a thirty-degree temperature range, and the range is the same for all men. From 56 degrees Fahrenheit to 86 men will do just fine. Some may be a little sweatier or chillier than others, but no one is complaining. This range is hardwired in the male DNA and stays the same from birth until death.
Women on the other hand, are comfortable in only a three-degree range, and not only does that range vary widely from women to women, but throughout the course of an individual women’s day, week, month, year, and lifespan, it will jump all over the board.
These are indisputable facts. You just can’t argue with science. This disparity in the comfort zones of the sexes invariably leads to problems when men and women attempt to share an office, car, home, bed, table at a restaurant, tent, etc. The issue is most often solved by adjusting the temperature to fit the female’s needs. As long as the three-degree range is still falling in the male comfort zone, everyone gets along. If there are two or more women sharing the same space, the inevitable problem is usually solved with layers. It is not uncommon to visit an office where the secretary in the blouse with the personal electric desk fan is working right along side the HR manager in the parka with the personal electric space heater.
Financial issues can arise from this problem when men and women get married and buy a house that contains a thermostat. Men will do some rudimentary math, and pick one temperature to keep the house livable, foolishly assuming that this temperature will be acceptable for the entire season. Little do they know that the temperature they picked will not even be acceptable for an entire seven minutes. Women who normally complain that the clock radio is too complicated can decipher a thirty-eight-button, eleven-switch thermostat in a matter of minutes and operate any home’s A/C system like they were seated at a NASA control center. In many cases the temperature swings during the day are so violent that a man can actually see the money being sucked out of the double-pane windows.
I think the temperature issue is a physical manifestation of a psychological difference in the sexes. Women are genetically programmed to worry about more things than men are. I have no idea why, but again, you can’t argue with science. When women have no life-threatening situations to deal with, they will inevitably begin to search out things to be concerned about, often making things up to fret over. Hair, weight, money, age, wrinkles, relationships with friends, relationships with co-workers, me-time, us-time, down time, play dates, date night, pre-partum, partum, post-partum, carpet, color palates, window treatments, balanced diets, safety recalls, consumer reports, outdoor tableware, biological clocks, school districts, undercooked poultry, guest lists, footwear, closet organization, furniture, pediatricians, and the list goes on and on. And on.
With men, pretty much twenty-nine days out of the month if the cars are running OK and the house isn’t on fire, it’s all good.
So I hypothesize that women, being less comfortable inside about all the little things in life, try to micro-manage the external temperature settings to feel more comfortable outside. A way to gain some measure of control over their surroundings when life seems otherwise wildly out of control. Either that, or it’s a hormone thing and they actually are less comfortable. What do I know?
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2008 Marc Schmatjen
Have kids? Have grandkids? Need a great gift?
Go to www.smidgebooks.com today and get your copy of “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” Marc’s exciting new children’s book. Get ready for a wild rhyming adventure!
Women on the other hand, are comfortable in only a three-degree range, and not only does that range vary widely from women to women, but throughout the course of an individual women’s day, week, month, year, and lifespan, it will jump all over the board.
These are indisputable facts. You just can’t argue with science. This disparity in the comfort zones of the sexes invariably leads to problems when men and women attempt to share an office, car, home, bed, table at a restaurant, tent, etc. The issue is most often solved by adjusting the temperature to fit the female’s needs. As long as the three-degree range is still falling in the male comfort zone, everyone gets along. If there are two or more women sharing the same space, the inevitable problem is usually solved with layers. It is not uncommon to visit an office where the secretary in the blouse with the personal electric desk fan is working right along side the HR manager in the parka with the personal electric space heater.
Financial issues can arise from this problem when men and women get married and buy a house that contains a thermostat. Men will do some rudimentary math, and pick one temperature to keep the house livable, foolishly assuming that this temperature will be acceptable for the entire season. Little do they know that the temperature they picked will not even be acceptable for an entire seven minutes. Women who normally complain that the clock radio is too complicated can decipher a thirty-eight-button, eleven-switch thermostat in a matter of minutes and operate any home’s A/C system like they were seated at a NASA control center. In many cases the temperature swings during the day are so violent that a man can actually see the money being sucked out of the double-pane windows.
I think the temperature issue is a physical manifestation of a psychological difference in the sexes. Women are genetically programmed to worry about more things than men are. I have no idea why, but again, you can’t argue with science. When women have no life-threatening situations to deal with, they will inevitably begin to search out things to be concerned about, often making things up to fret over. Hair, weight, money, age, wrinkles, relationships with friends, relationships with co-workers, me-time, us-time, down time, play dates, date night, pre-partum, partum, post-partum, carpet, color palates, window treatments, balanced diets, safety recalls, consumer reports, outdoor tableware, biological clocks, school districts, undercooked poultry, guest lists, footwear, closet organization, furniture, pediatricians, and the list goes on and on. And on.
With men, pretty much twenty-nine days out of the month if the cars are running OK and the house isn’t on fire, it’s all good.
So I hypothesize that women, being less comfortable inside about all the little things in life, try to micro-manage the external temperature settings to feel more comfortable outside. A way to gain some measure of control over their surroundings when life seems otherwise wildly out of control. Either that, or it’s a hormone thing and they actually are less comfortable. What do I know?
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2008 Marc Schmatjen
Have kids? Have grandkids? Need a great gift?
Go to www.smidgebooks.com today and get your copy of “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” Marc’s exciting new children’s book. Get ready for a wild rhyming adventure!
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