Eggnog?

Yes, it’s that time of year again, when the debate rages around the yule log, merry and bright – is it spelled “eggnog” or “egg nog?” One word or two?

While you argue amongst yourselves, I thought I’d share my foolproof recipe for this traditional holiday beverage.

Ingredients:

6 large egg yolks

3/4 cup sugar

2 cups milk

2 whole cloves

Pinch cinnamon

1 cup heavy cream

1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg (lightly packed)

1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

4 egg whites

Your favorite bourbon whiskey

 

Instructions:

Gather together all the ingredients except the bourbon, and find a large saucepan. Throw all of the gathered ingredients into the trash and use the saucepan to defend yourself against anyone attempting to give you eggnog. Pour the bourbon over ice and enjoy with or without regular Coca-Cola. Your choice!

Eggnog, as the name explicitly states, contains eggs as a primary ingredient. You are not Rocky Balboa. Eggs are not a beverage. They are meant to be eaten with bacon and used to make cookies and cakes. They are basically snot until cooked, and therefore it should be obvious to anyone not to drink them.

Eggnog was invented long ago during a horrific drought and ensuing bourbon shortage, by some very poor, very uneducated peasants. It remains unclear if the dairy cows were underproducing due to the drought, or the peasants just got bored with the straight cows’ milk. What is perfectly clear is that these foolish people did something unspeakable – they added raw eggs to their milk.

When the drought was over and other people heard about what they had done, the egg-sucking peasants tried to save face by pretending it was a good idea and adding bourbon to make it a “festive” holiday drink. In reality, they were just trying to get drunk and forget they were drinking eggs.

We’re better than that. Let’s not perpetuate this horrible mistake onto another unsuspecting generation. Stop the madness. Keep your children safe.

Tell them to just say no to nogs of any kind.

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen

 

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