Dear Lifetouch School Portraits,
I wrote you a letter at the beginning of this month, but it
seems you didn’t get it. Since I only posted it in this column and never
actually mailed it - like you were so kind enough to do with all those pictures
I never ordered - I thought I would at least follow up in hopes that this finally
reaches you.
I’ll start with a short recap of my last letter, in case
this letter finds you still too busy to read your correspondence, what with all
the printing of large quantities of photos that no one ordered.
A) I was satisfied with the pictures from the first time you
came to my sons’ elementary school in September.
B) I did not understand why you showed up again in February.
C) I did not order pictures in February.
D) I really did not understand why you then proceeded to
take pictures of all three of my sons in February when I had not asked you to
do so.
E) Since I really didn’t understand why you took pictures of
them in the first place, I really, really didn’t understand why you then took
it upon yourselves to print a bunch of pictures of each one of them, including
pictures of them on plastic items that heretofore have never needed pictures of
children’s faces, such as poorly gradated rulers and hotel Do Not Disturb door
hangers.
F) After printing all the pictures and handy plastic devices
that I did not order, I further did not understand why you spent even more of
your money to send me the three full packages of pictures I did not order. Each
large envelope was stuffed to the bulging point with photo upon photo of my sons,
proudly displaying the fact that they were not dressed for pictures that day,
and in the case of Son Number Three, the fact that he had also recently eaten
something, as evidenced by the food stuck to his face, so masterfully captured
for posterity by your skilled photographer.
G) You told me I should buy the pictures or give them back
to the teacher. I told you neither of those things were going to happen.
H) I was amused to learn that you thought I would think it
was in my best interest to trust you with the disposal of all these pictures I
did not ask for or want. After all, each package you sent me had my child’s
full name, grade, and teacher’s name printed on the front, along with no less
than twenty-four photos of how they look on any given day - not on picture day,
since as I mentioned earlier, we didn’t dress them for pictures since we weren’t
expecting you to take their pictures since we didn’t ask you to do so.
So, there’s the recap of the first letter. You can imagine
my surprise when I received a “Final Reminder” notice from you the other day. I
sincerely hope you meant it when you chose the word “final,” but somehow, I
doubt it.
Far be it from me to tell you how to run your very successful
business, but since you seem intent on wasting our teachers’ precious time by sending
unsolicited correspondence home with my children, the least I can do is
reciprocate. Here are my thoughts on your latest communication:
For starters, your “Final Reminder” team seems to be running
at around 66% efficiency, because I failed to purchase or return three full packages of studio-quality
portraits of my sloppily-dressed, dirty children, and you only sent me two final reminders. I anxiously await
the arrival of the third as soon as someone over there comes back from their excessively
long coffee break.
Secondly, I think a little note editing is in order. Your
bright pink final reminder notice invites the reader to “take this time to
review your options,” which you list as:
Purchase the entire
package
Purchase the package
sheet(s) you want and return the rest
Return the complete
portrait package
While I appreciate your starry-eyed optimism with that first
option, I want to call your attention – if my original letter and the recap of
that letter in this letter have not done it for you yet – to the missing fourth
option available to me, the guy who did not ask you to take pictures of his
children, nor ask you to then print those pictures on four plastic key fobs and
a wallet-sized calendar. That would be: Take
a moment to wonder in amazement at our business model and then dispose of the entire
picture package yourself. As I outlined in my original letter, Option Four
saves you quite a bit of money, assuming, of course, that your “Final Reminder”
notices are not too costly.
Thirdly, I noticed that you offer a family plan, where the
first two children’s portraits are full price and any addition children’s
portraits are half price. That is a great option, especially at our school,
where so many of the families have three or more children. I was able to notice
that you offered this discount through my deft use of a magnifying glass. I was
not aware that there was a font size smaller than 2, but you obviously found
one. I guess my advice is this: If you don’t want people to know about the
discount, then don’t print it on the order form at all, but if you do, you
might want to print it large enough to be readable without needing Mr. Magoo’s glasses.
Finally, regarding Son Number Three who is in kindergarten: As
I said, I was amazed and amused to see food prominently displayed on his face
in the fine quality portraits you sent me that I did not ask for. In my
original letter I suggested that your photographer might not have been on his “A-game”
that day. I have since learned from Son Number Three’s teacher that it may not
have been your photographer who was asleep at the wheel, but your scheduler instead.
It seems that – for obvious reasons – the kindergarten
classes are normally photographed first thing in the morning on picture day.
Your scheduler, for reasons unknown, brought the kindergarten classes to the camera
in the middle of the day, after lunch. Knowing that fact now, I would like to
formally apologize to your photographer, and commend him or her on the fine
picture taken of my youngest son.
I have seen Son Number Three eat, and if your photographer
was presented with him after lunchtime, receiving a picture with only food on his face is nothing short of a miracle. When he eats by himself at home
he is able to get almost 80% of whatever the meal is into his hair. I’m quite
certain that when he sat down in the photographer’s chair after eating lunch
with forty-seven other kindergartners, he must have been covered from head to
toe in meat, produce, and condiments. There is only so much one person can do,
so kudos to your photographer!
Again, I hope my observations will help you to improve your
business model. I will patiently await my missing final reminder notice, and I
look forward to any “final, final reminders” you see fit to send my way.
Keep up the good work,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen
