Some Jehovah’s Witnesses came to my door yesterday, and
since I was in the midst of a living hell, having been without internet service
all day, I actually talked to them for a few minutes instead of throwing water
on them like I normally do.
I left the short conversation with my amazing copy of the
latest edition of Watchtower magazine, and a sudden flashback memory of the
awesomeness that was Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.
In case you don’t know the story, a very corrupt and devious
man, who was also a total genius, came from India in the 1980s and bought an eighty-four
thousand-acre ranch in central Oregon. All he needed next were some followers.
Two thousand of them, to be exact.
In exchange for the low price of working for free seven days
a week, along with giving him all their money, two thousand total idiots got
the sweet combo deal of getting to dance naked, and also wave at him every day
at two o’clock when he drove by in one of his ninety-three Rolls Royces that
they paid for.
Genius.
Sure, he had tear gas guns hidden in the fenders of his
cars. And he tried to rig an election by attempting to poison an entire town’s
voters. And he was actively trying to kill quite a few government officials while
running the largest illegal wiretapping operation ever seen. But hey, who among
us hasn’t done that kinda stuff? Am I right?
So it got me thinking. I’m pretty sure I’m going to start a
cult. It seems easier and more lucrative than a real job. Plus, I have
first-hand experience in cult operations, so I have a leg up on the
competition. I never made it up to Rajneeshpuram in Oregon to see the
operation, but I have been to Ratna Ling.
Ratna Ling is supposedly a “spiritual Buddhist retreat” on
the coast of California. What it really is is a mid-sized industrial book
printing operation that is in no way zoned properly. They have millions of
dollars’ worth of high-tech printing and conveying equipment operating daily,
with all the deliveries and shipments associated with an industrial operation,
tucked back in the woods on small county roads never designed for the traffic
or the load.
The only thing keeping them from being shut down is that their
workforce isn’t paid. The guru at Ratna Ling has himself some followers. Cult
followers, you ask? Hmm... You be the judge. The whole very modern and
expensive print line is operated entirely by skinny, smelly, barefoot hippies
living in yurts. In exchange for their tireless printing efforts that are no
doubt swelling the guru’s bank account, they receive enlightenment and rice
with fruit.
I installed a piece of industrial equipment when I was
there. I was paid, so in turn, I received no enlightenment whatsoever. I did
get an education, though. What I learned is that there will always be lost and
misguided people out there in search of whatever kind of “spiritual
enlightenment” they think will be the answer to their problems, and they are
willing to work for free to get it, and in many cases, pay you for it.
I want to help those people. I want to help them join my new
cult... uh, Spiritual Guidance and Enlightenment Center. PorkTown, we’ll call
it. Enlightenment through Bacon. That’s our motto.
You see, the major bugaboo with cults seems to be land-use
issues. That’s what fouled up the Bhagwan’s sweet gig, and that’s what has
Ratna Ling’s neighbors up in arms. PorkTown will operate out of a warehouse in
the business district, so there won’t be any zoning problems.
Now, your traditional dirty shoeless cult-goers seem to be
drawn to fresh air and trees, which always leads to that pesky land-use issue, but
I’m looking for a different demographic. My draw will be a giant sports bar
that offers free food and beer. Bacon will be the path to true oneness with the
universe. Everything will be wrapped in bacon. Even the bacon will be
bacon-wrapped.
In exchange for their daily chores (known as the Participations
in Greatness) and/or generous donations to the cause, the Porkers will receive
spiritual and galactic healing and tranquility through swine and beer. Only
true and compete understanding of the universe can be achieved from the
life-altering shock of the Defibrillator of Truth. Much bacon must be consumed
to be worthy.
Careful not to omit the major draw to any cult, the Porkers will
be allowed to dance naked whenever they want. Of course, this will be allowed
only in the special Dance Naked Room that will have no windows, because let’s
face it - these people are going to be eating a lot of bacon. There will need
to be a Defibrillator of Truth in the Dance Naked Room also. Maybe more than
one.
Participations in Greatness at PorkTown will include cleaning
my house, making my kids’ lunches every morning, buying me stuff, pool
maintenance, giving me money, landscaping and yard work, paying me, interior
and exterior painting, paying all my bills, various home improvement projects, buying
expensive things for my wife, auto repair and maintenance, family meal
preparation, and giving me more money.
Come be a Porker. Your enlightenment is waiting, and it’s
wrapped in bacon!
I’ll see you around town. I’ll be the one in a Rolls Royce
with a pig as the hood ornament.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen
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