We had a fantastic stroke of luck last week when my wife had
parked our Honda Accord on the street, and a nice man decided to remove our front
bumper for us with his truck. How awesome is that!?
Speaking as someone who has dealt with car insurance
agencies following our Suburban being totaled, I am really pumped to get to go
through another damage claim.
I say the man who gave us a bumperectomy was nice, because
he really was nice. He left a note on our car with all his insurance and contact
information, and then hung around long enough to actually meet my wife when she
returned to the car. He obviously can’t drive very well, but he acts
appropriately after he’s finished hitting your parked car.
His insurance company took all liability for the repair
costs, so as far as the world as we know it goes, everything is working as it
should.
But that’s not good enough for me. The insurance world, as
we know it, sucks.
We didn’t do anything wrong in either of our major insurance
claims. We weren’t at fault. In this case, we weren’t even near the car. So why
do I still have to take time out of my life to get the car fixed?
Why do I have to meet with a claims adjuster to look at the
damage? Why am I responsible for getting my car to the repair shop? Why do I
need to drive a rental car in the meantime? Why do I need to return that rental
car and go to the repair shop to pick up my car when it’s done being repaired?
I am required by law to have car insurance, and I pay them
an insane amount of money every year for the privilege of driving around and
not causing accidents. Yet, when someone else hits me, I have to do all the
work to get my car fixed. This is obviously a huge injustice that we, as
Americans, have let go now for far too long.
Here is my proposal for the 28th Amendment to the
Constitution of the United States of America – also known as the “This Crap Was
Not My Fault” amendment:
Any insured and licensed driver in the United States of
America whose vehicle incurs even the slightest dent at the hands of another
driver, regardless of the bad driver’s status (i.e. insured/licensed or not, in
the country legally or not, high/drunk or not, originally Canadian or not,
extremely low IQ or not, etc.), shall be immediately compensated with a new
vehicle, at the site of the collision.
The new vehicle shall be the current model year version
of the old vehicle, or, if the model is out of production, any comparable new vehicle
of the good driver’s choice.
The new vehicle shall be delivered within one hour of the
time the collision occurred, regardless of the time of day or night. It shall
come with a full tank of gas, and one thousand dollars cash in the glove box to
compensate for the one-hour wait and the inconvenience caused by the bad driver.
The new vehicle delivery agent shall transfer all the
good driver’s belongings to the new car, then meet the good driver at their home
to deliver them a case of expensive imported beer and a predetermined number of
bacon cheeseburgers, with a corresponding number of large fries.
While the good driver and their friends/family eat, the
agent will take care of setting up the garage door opener buttons, pairing all their
phones to the new car, installing car seats, and/or anything else that needs to
occur to make it as though nothing ever happened. All DMV paperwork and fees for
the car swap will be handled behind the scenes with absolutely no action needed
by the good driver.
The good driver will not experience any change in their
insurance rates even though the car is newer. The bad driver will not
experience a change in their insurance rates either, however, they will be
completely on their own for any repair/replacement costs for their vehicle, as
well as any beer and cheeseburger-related expenses.
Based on what a ridiculous racket the collision repair
industry is, insurance rates should actually go down under the new system.
Contact your congressman today!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
