You’ve done it to yourself again, haven’t you? It’s December 21st and you haven’t even started to write your annual Christmas letter yet, have you? You’re out of time, out of patience, and for three years now, you’ve been close to being out of toilet paper.
Sure, just like our hopes for the future, things look bleak. But have no Christmas fear! While I can’t do anything about your toilet paper situation or your Aunt Ethel’s impending fruitcake delivery, I can certainly help in the communications department.
The 2022 DIY Christmas letter is here, just for you.
So, pour yourself another glass of mommy and daddy’s special holiday cheer, grab a #2 pencil, and start bubbling in the appropriate choices. You’re all set.
No need to thank me. It’s just what I do.
O friends and cherished loved ones,
O people from work,
O people I don’t know on this list my spouse handed me,
Merry Christmas from the
O Other _______________
We can’t believe
O how time flies.
O winter is here again so soon.
O how surprisingly lame this year has been.
O we have to send this damned letter to so many of you.
What a year! We
O are so blessed.
O are, we must admit, a little tired.
O are relieved it’s finally over.
O seriously need to just sell the kids and move to an island.
2022 started with
O joy in our hearts
O a ridiculous amount of snow and ice
O a whole lotta mood-altering substances
and is ending with
O gratitude and peace.
O even more *%@#&$ snow.
O jail time, most likely.
Dad can’t seem to
O sit still,
O stop complaining,
O snap out of his funk,
O put a cork in it,
O continues to volunteer at the church and the shelter.
O won’t shut up about gas prices.
O lives in his pajamas.
O was on a bender and MIA at least half the year.
O lost a step
O lifted a finger around the house
O shut up
O been seen
O record-breaking hip replacement recovery time.
O epic hangnail incident.
O lottery numbers were “only three away” from the “big money.”
O parole officer reported her for not checking in this summer.
O near us now.
O day to day.
O on borrowed time.
O above a strip club.
O moved back with her family for a big promotion.
O pretends to be holding it together, but a relapse is obviously coming.
O is five states away, and that still doesn’t seem far enough.
O was named employee of the month at Big Tony’s Gentlemen’s Club and Laundromat.
O switching parenting roles with his wife and staying home with the kids
O never too far from the couch
O making one bad decision after another
O spiraling out of control
O wife continues to climb the ladder at her amazing job.
O unemployment checks continue to roll in.
O bookie keeps contacting us regarding his whereabouts.
O childhood hopes and dreams slowly circle the giant toilet bowl of life.
The grandkids just keep growing
and we wish
O we could slow time down somehow to enjoy it all a little longer.
O they would lay off the McCrap and eat a vegetable every once in a while.
O their parents would actually discipline their insolent little butts.
O the court system would be tougher on minors.
We hope this letter finds you
O thriving and loving life
O before Christmas
O relatively sober
this year, and we want to
O extend our warmest holiday wishes to you and yours.
O let you know we are still alive, despite what you may have heard.
O make sure we keep in touch, so we have a “what not to do” example for the kids.
O be done writing now.
If you ever find yourself in town,
O please come by, we’d love to see you!
O don’t hesitate to let us know you were here.
O just remember, we’re away a lot.
O I’ll bet you’ll be wondering how you got here, you lush!
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.
See you soon,
Copyright © 2022 Marc Schmatjen
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