You’ve done it to yourself again, haven’t you? It’s December 21st and you haven’t even started to write your annual Christmas letter yet, have you? You’re out of time, out of patience, and for three years now, you’ve been close to being out of toilet paper.
Sure, just like our hopes for the future, things look bleak. But have no Christmas fear! While I can’t do anything about your toilet paper situation or your Aunt Ethel’s impending fruitcake delivery, I can certainly help in the communications department.
The 2022 DIY Christmas letter is here, just for you.
So, pour yourself another glass of mommy and daddy’s special holiday cheer, grab a #2 pencil, and start bubbling in the appropriate choices. You’re all set.
No need to thank me. It’s just what I do.
Christmas 2022
Dear
O friends and
cherished loved ones,
O relatives,
O people from work,
O people I don’t
know on this list my spouse handed me,
Merry Christmas from the
O Smith
O Gonzalez
O Lee
O Johnson
O Other
_______________
family!
We can’t believe
O how time flies.
O winter is here
again so soon.
O how surprisingly lame
this year has been.
O we have to send
this damned letter to so many of you.
What a year! We
O are so blessed.
O are, we must
admit, a little tired.
O are relieved it’s
finally over.
O seriously need to
just sell the kids and move to an island.
2022 started with
O joy in our hearts
O a ridiculous
amount of snow and ice
O anxiety
O a whole lotta
mood-altering substances
and is ending with
O gratitude and
peace.
O even more
*%@#&$ snow.
O dread.
O jail time, most
likely.
Dad can’t seem to
O sit still,
O stop complaining,
O snap out of his
funk,
O put a cork in it,
and he
O continues to
volunteer at the church and the shelter.
O won’t shut up
about gas prices.
O lives in his pajamas.
O was on a bender
and MIA at least half the year.
Mom hasn’t
O lost a step
O lifted a finger
around the house
O shut up
O been seen
since her
O record-breaking
hip replacement recovery time.
O epic hangnail
incident.
O lottery numbers
were “only three away” from the “big money.”
O parole officer
reported her for not checking in this summer.
Sister lives
O near us now.
O day to day.
O on borrowed time.
O above a strip
club.
She
O moved back with
her family for a big promotion.
O pretends to be
holding it together, but a relapse is obviously coming.
O is five states
away, and that still doesn’t seem far enough.
O was named employee
of the month at Big Tony’s Gentlemen’s Club and Laundromat.
Brother is
O switching
parenting roles with his wife and staying home with the kids
O never too far from
the couch
O making one bad
decision after another
O spiraling out of
control
while his
O wife continues to
climb the ladder at her amazing job.
O unemployment
checks continue to roll in.
O bookie keeps
contacting us regarding his whereabouts.
O childhood hopes
and dreams slowly circle the giant toilet bowl of life.
The grandkids just keep growing
O up
O outward
O bolder
O weed
and we wish
O we could slow time
down somehow to enjoy it all a little longer.
O they would lay off
the McCrap and eat a vegetable every once in a while.
O their parents
would actually discipline their insolent little butts.
O the court system
would be tougher on minors.
We hope this letter finds you
O thriving and
loving life
O before Christmas
O relatively sober
O
this year, and we want to
O extend our warmest
holiday wishes to you and yours.
O let you know we
are still alive, despite what you may have heard.
O make sure we keep
in touch, so we have a “what not to do” example for the kids.
O be done writing
now.
If you ever find yourself in town,
O please come by,
we’d love to see you!
O don’t hesitate to
let us know you were here.
O just remember,
we’re away a lot.
O I’ll bet you’ll be
wondering how you got here, you lush!
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2022 Marc Schmatjen
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