The 2024 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

You fool! You’ve done it again, haven’t you? St. Nick is heading down the chimney in a week and you’ve forgotten to write your Christmas letter. Typical.

I mean, if you somehow managed to get it in the mail today and post-date it so you don’t look like the slacker that you are, there’s still a chance – albeit elfin in size – that the USPS can get it to your loved ones (and all the rest of the people on that list) before the yule log burns out.

But that leaves you no time to actually get a coherent letter written to put in those envelopes. Is this a hopeless mess? Of course! I mean, it would be if it wasn’t for your old pal Smidgey Claus.

Once again, I’ve got you covered. I have created the 2024 Universal DIY Christmas Letter Grid, just for you. Simply pick one item from each column in order to string together a sentence that captures the essence of your 2024. Repeat as needed to fully recap this wacky ride of a year.

Now, get to it. There’s no time to lose.

 

COLUMN 1	COLUMN 2	COLUMN 3	COLUMN 4
We lost	container ships	in	the Opening Ceremonies.
We got delayed by	Simone Biles	after	the Eras Tour.
We opened	Boeing 737 doors	during	Tyson vs. Paul.
We cried about	AI	in the middle of	men’s pommel horse.
We prayed for	Caitlin Clark	since	the leap year.
We marveled at	Elon Musk	prior to	an unscheduled rapid decompression.
We pardoned	CrowdStrike	from	exploding pagers.
We gained	Steven Nedoroscik	in the face of	the election.
We worried about	Trump vs. Harris	throughout	the Baltimore Key bridge collapse.
We abandoned	the Kansas City Chiefs	despite	the flooding.
We lived without	Cybertrucks	before	a Microsoft Windows update.

 

There you go. Now add a “Merry Christmas,” sign, and send. You’re all set.

No need to thank me. It’s just what I do. Now crack open another bottle of your favorite holiday cheer, put your feet up, and let’s see what 2025 has in store for us, shall we?

Merry Christmas, y’all!

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen

 

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

The 2023 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

It’s five days until the big guy slides down the chimney and ransacks your fridge and wet bar, and you’ve done it again, haven’t you? You have procrastinated your family Christmas letter once again, and now you’re simply out of time.

Well, have no fear, because just like you, I’m consistent, but in the good, helpful, non-self-destructive kind of way. Once again, I have ridden in, just in the St. Nick of time to save the day. The 2023 DIY Christmas letter template is here, just for you.

So, fire up your laptop, grab a (or in your case, another) glass of cheer, and let’s get this thing handled. I have provided all the Christmas letter sections for you – you just have to fill in the lies.

 

Date

December 15, 2023

(Yes, we know this is a lie, but this way your friends and family will blame the late arrival on that damned post office.)

 

Salutation

Dear Cherished Friends and Family,

(I know that very few of them are “cherished” – especially your stupid brother – but we pretend in the Christmas letter, so don’t edit that.)

 

Obligatory gushing intro

We can’t believe how time flies! What a great year we had here in [your state, province, city, town, township, parish, county, or trailer park].

(Yes, you know it wasn’t great, we know it wasn’t great, they know it wasn’t great. Again, we pretend in the Christmas letter. Just go with it. You’ll be doing a lot of that here.)

 

Major highlight section

Our big highlight this year was [big vacation, major milestone, large achievement]. [Add details if appropriate].

(Embellish as needed or blatantly lie if none of those happened and you never left your state, province, city, town, township, parish, county, or trailer park.)

 

Best child section

(You want to start as strong as possible and this is no time to get all politically correct on me and pretend like you don’t have a favorite child. You know you do.)

[Best child name] did [academic, sports, and/or extra-curricular achievement(s)]. [Add details if appropriate].

(Embellish as needed or, again, blatantly lie if things are so sad there that even the best child accomplished nothing.)

 

Questionable child section

[Questionable child name] did [academic, sports, and/or extra-curricular activities].

(Note: use a minimum of a 1.5x multiplier on any grades, stats, etc. because you know they could have done so much better if it wasn’t for that idiot teacher, teammate, classmate, etc.)

 

Worst child section

(Keep this one brief, and use words like “potential” and “enthusiastic.”)

[Worst child name] did [any tiny accomplishment at all, told with spin like a DJ on a merry-go-round]

 

Parents and in-laws section

(Again, this section is going to be nothing but fairy tales.)

We got to see [parents or in-laws] at [encounter during the year] and it was [completely fabricated glowing adjectives].

(Repeat as necessary, you poor, poor soul.)

 

Spouse section

(This is where we really score some points!)

My amazing [spouse’s name] has been [glowing report akin to the kind of embellishment you used on your resume].

 

Your section

(Time to finish this thing strong!)

[Lies, lies, lies.]

 

Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

 

 

You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

 

 

Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen

 

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

The 2022 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

You’ve done it to yourself again, haven’t you? It’s December 21st and you haven’t even started to write your annual Christmas letter yet, have you? You’re out of time, out of patience, and for three years now, you’ve been close to being out of toilet paper.  

Sure, just like our hopes for the future, things look bleak. But have no Christmas fear! While I can’t do anything about your toilet paper situation or your Aunt Ethel’s impending fruitcake delivery, I can certainly help in the communications department.

The 2022 DIY Christmas letter is here, just for you.

So, pour yourself another glass of mommy and daddy’s special holiday cheer, grab a #2 pencil, and start bubbling in the appropriate choices. You’re all set.

No need to thank me. It’s just what I do.

 

Christmas 2022

Dear

O   friends and cherished loved ones,

O   relatives,

O   people from work,

O   people I don’t know on this list my spouse handed me,

Merry Christmas from the

O   Smith

O   Gonzalez

O   Lee

O   Johnson

O   Other _______________

 

family!

 

We can’t believe

O   how time flies.

O   winter is here again so soon.

O   how surprisingly lame this year has been.

O   we have to send this damned letter to so many of you.

 

What a year! We

O   are so blessed.

O   are, we must admit, a little tired.

O   are relieved it’s finally over.

O   seriously need to just sell the kids and move to an island.

 

2022 started with

O   joy in our hearts

O   a ridiculous amount of snow and ice

O   anxiety

O   a whole lotta mood-altering substances

 

and is ending with

O   gratitude and peace.

O   even more *%@#&$ snow.

O   dread.

O   jail time, most likely.

 

Dad can’t seem to

O   sit still,

O   stop complaining,

O   snap out of his funk,

O   put a cork in it,

 

and he

O   continues to volunteer at the church and the shelter.

O   won’t shut up about gas prices.

O   lives in his pajamas.

O   was on a bender and MIA at least half the year.

 

Mom hasn’t

O   lost a step

O   lifted a finger around the house

O   shut up

O   been seen

 

since her

O   record-breaking hip replacement recovery time.

O   epic hangnail incident.

O   lottery numbers were “only three away” from the “big money.”

O   parole officer reported her for not checking in this summer.

 

Sister lives

O   near us now.

O   day to day.

O   on borrowed time.

O   above a strip club.

 

She

O   moved back with her family for a big promotion.

O   pretends to be holding it together, but a relapse is obviously coming.

O   is five states away, and that still doesn’t seem far enough.

O   was named employee of the month at Big Tony’s Gentlemen’s Club and Laundromat.

 

Brother is

O   switching parenting roles with his wife and staying home with the kids

O   never too far from the couch

O   making one bad decision after another

O   spiraling out of control

 

while his

O   wife continues to climb the ladder at her amazing job.

O   unemployment checks continue to roll in.

O   bookie keeps contacting us regarding his whereabouts.

O   childhood hopes and dreams slowly circle the giant toilet bowl of life.

 

The grandkids just keep growing

O   up

O   outward

O   bolder

O   weed

 

and we wish

O   we could slow time down somehow to enjoy it all a little longer.

O   they would lay off the McCrap and eat a vegetable every once in a while.

O   their parents would actually discipline their insolent little butts.

O   the court system would be tougher on minors.

 

We hope this letter finds you

O   thriving and loving life

O   before Christmas

O   relatively sober

O  

 

this year, and we want to

O   extend our warmest holiday wishes to you and yours.

O   let you know we are still alive, despite what you may have heard.

O   make sure we keep in touch, so we have a “what not to do” example for the kids.

O   be done writing now.

 

If you ever find yourself in town,

O   please come by, we’d love to see you!

O   don’t hesitate to let us know you were here.

O   just remember, we’re away a lot.

O   I’ll bet you’ll be wondering how you got here, you lush!

Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

 

You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

 

Copyright © 2022 Marc Schmatjen

 

 

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

The 2021 Do-It-Yourself Christmas Letter

Welp, 2021 came and went so quickly you completely forgot to write your Christmas letter again this year. Hey, it’s not your fault, it was crazy-fast for all of us. It’s the PTSD from 2020. Don’t beat yourself up.

But it’s three days ‘til Christmas and there’s no way you can get a coherent letter put together in time now. Not with all the residual 2020 traumatic stress and whatnot.

Well, once again, ol’ Smidgey Claus has got you covered. I have created the 2021 DIY Christmas Letter Grid. Just pick one item from each column in order to string together a sentence that captures the essence of your 2021 experience. Repeat as needed to fully recap this whirlwind of a year.

Now, get to it. There’s no time to lose.

 

COLUMN 1	COLUMN 2	COLUMN 3	COLUMN 4
We lost	our child tax credit checks	in	the harassment charges.
We sheltered with	Simone Biles	after	the labor shortage.
We opened	toilet paper, again	during	school and pro sports.
We cried about	booster shots	in the middle of	Ted Lasso.
We prayed for	Harry & Meghan	since	the trip to space.
We freed	Elon Musk	prior to	Olympic skateboarding.
We bought	the supply chain	from	the conservatorship.
We gained	Britney Spears	after	the Delta variant.
We worried about	TikTok	throughout	the Capitol riot.
We abandoned	Afghanistan	despite	the flooding.
We lived without	Andrew Cuomo	before	a Zoom meeting.

There you go. Now add a “Merry Christmas,” sign, and send. You’re all set.

No need to thank me. It’s what I do. Now crack open that second bottle of spiked eggnog and let’s all pray this next year is a lot less weird than the last two.

Merry Christmas, y’all!

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

Copyright © 2021 Marc Schmatjen

 

Your new favorite T-shirt is at SmidgeTees

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

The 2020 Do-It-Yourself Christmas Letter

Much like your sense of self-worth and your will to put on real pants, you’ve also completely lost your desire to write a Christmas letter this year. Hey, don’t beat yourself up. This is 2020! Who could blame you?

But now it’s two days ‘til Christmas and you’re kicking yourself about it while you sit motionless in your couch divot in the same pair of pajama pants you’ve been wearing since Halloween. There’s no way you can get a coherent letter put together in time now.

Well, once again, ol’ Smidgey Claus has got you covered. I have created the 2020 DIY Christmas Letter Grid. Just pick one item from each column in order to string together a sentence that best fits your 2020 experience. Repeat as needed to fully recap your dumpster fire of a year.

Now, get to it. There’s no time to lose.

COLUMN 1	COLUMN 2	COLUMN 3	COLUMN 4
We lost	our jobs	in	the election.
We hoarded	masks	after	the hurricanes.
We sheltered with	toilet paper	during	the wildfires.
We cried about	Tiger King	in the middle of	the couch.
We prayed for	at least 20 pounds	since	the lockdown.
We binged	junk food	prior to	the DOW crash.
We gained	the vaccine	before	the rioting.
We bought	personal hygiene	after	COVID-19.
We worried about	alcohol	throughout	social distancing.
We abandoned	essential workers	despite	distance learning.
We lived without	Amazon Prime	from	a Zoom meeting.

There you go. Now add a “Merry Christmas,” sign, and send. You’re all set.

Don’t say I never did anything for you! Now hunker down in your couch divot and let’s pray for 2021 to get here ASAP.

Merry Christmas, y’all!

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen

 

Your new favorite T-shirt is at SmidgeTees

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

The 2019 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

You’ve gone and done it again this year, haven’t you? You waited until the last minute and still don’t have your Christmas letter written. Like everything else you did this year, it’s going to be too little, too late now. When will you ever learn to stop procrastinating? Maybe next year, huh?

Well, don’t start drowning your sorrows in Jim Beam’s famous eggnog just yet. At least wait until five o’clock like a civilized holiday lush. And no, conquering procrastination does not begin with drinking earlier!

At least wait until you hear the good news. I can’t help you with your crippling lack of motivation or willpower, but I can get you out of this Christmas letter mess. You see, I anticipated your folly yet again this year, and created yet another Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter, just for you. No need to thank me with a card I’ll probably get in June. I’m happy to help. It’s what I do.

So, grab your #2 pencil, pour some of that holiday cheer on the rocks, and start bubbling in the appropriate choices. It’s time to get this letter handled!

[heading and date]

O   Christmas 2019

O   Holidays 2019

O   2019 Holiday Season

O   Festival of the Nativity, Anno Domini MMXIX

O   2019, End of Fourth Quarter and Calendar Year

O   Wednesday

[salutation]

Dear

O   cherished loved ones,

O   family and friends,

O   mostly family and friends and some other obligatory holiday greeting recipients,

O   mostly marginal acquaintances,

O   bunch of names on the list my spouse provided me,

[introduction]

O   Merry Christmas

O   Happy Hanukkah

O   Happy Holidays

O   We’re Buddhist, so Happy Public School “Winter Break”

O   We’re Bengals fans, so Happy Last Two Weeks of this God-Forsaken Season

O   Yo Ho Ho

from the

O   Smith

O   Gonzalez

O   Lee

O   Johnson

O   Other

family!

[obligatory opening line]

O   We just can’t believe the year is almost over!

O   Where does the time go?

O   Wow, Christmas is here already!

O   Christmas is upon us again! Time sure does fly!

[letter body]

O   We had a great year here at the (last name here) house.

O   We had a good year here at the (last name here) house.

O   We sure had a year here at the (last name here) house.

O   We’d like to forget the year we had here at the (multiple last names here) house.

O   (first child name here) won another award this year for (activity or service merit here).

O   (first child name here) almost won an award this year for (fourth place finish here).

O   (first child name here) got a participation ribbon for (sport or activity no one cares about here).

O   (first child name or inappropriate nickname here) ain’t never gonna win no awards for (skill or activity they are bad at here).

O   (second child name here) continues to excel in both (school level and sport here).

O   (second child name here) continues to excel in (school subject or sport here).

O   (second child name here) continues to attend (school level or sport here).

O   (second child name here) continues to misbehave and nearly got expelled again from (school name here).

O   (mom’s name here) had another fulfilling year of volunteering at (charitable organization here).

O   (mom’s name here) had another exciting year of working at (multinational company name here).

O   (mom’s name here) had another year off her life working retail at (major store chain name here).

O   (mom’s name here) had another year added to her sentence at (correctional facility name here).

O   (dad’s name here) continues to enjoy retirement, keeping busy with his (hobby here).

O   (dad’s name here) continues to navigate retirement, with his latest adventure being (hobby here).

O   (dad’s name here) continues to be on disability, and can’t seem to keep busy since he hates (hobby here).

O   (latest baby daddy’s name here) continues to enjoy unemployment, getting busy with (female neighbor’s name here).

[closing]

O   We wish you all the best in the coming year, and a joyous holiday season.

O   We wish you all the best in the coming year.

O   We wish you all the best.

O   We wish we could be more like your family.

O   We wish this year had never happened.

Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

The 2018 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

What is the matter with you? You’ve done it again, haven’t you? It’s December 19th and you haven’t written your annual Christmas letter yet. And now there’s no time left to concoct a fairy tale that might be able to put some lipstick on the pig that was your year.

Sure, just like your hopes for the future, things look bleak. But have no Christmas fear! While I can’t do anything about your annoying in-laws or your Aunt Ethel’s impending fruitcake delivery, I can certainly help in the communications department.

The 2018 DIY Christmas letter is here, just for you.

So, pour yourself another glass of mommy or daddy’s special holiday cheer, bubble in the appropriate choices with a #2 pencil, fill in the blank if needed, and you’re all set.

No need to thank me. It’s just what I do.

Christmas 2018

Dear

O   relative or loved one,

O   tolerable neighbor,

O   marginal acquaintance,

O   begrudging work or social obligatory holiday recipient,

Merry Christmas from the

O   Smith

O   Gonzalez

O   Lee

O   Johnson

O   Other _______________

family!

We can’t believe

O   how time flies.

O   winter is here again so soon.

O   how depressing this year has been.

O   we have to send this damned letter to so many of you.

What a year! We

O   are so blessed.

O   are, we must admit, a little tired.

O   are relieved it’s finally over.

O   seriously need to just sell the kids and move to an island.

2018 started with

O   joy in our hearts

O   a ridiculous amount of snow and ice

O   anxiety

O   a whole lotta mood-altering substances

and is ending with

O   gratitude and peace.

O   even more *%@#&$ snow.

O   dread.

O   jail time, most likely.

Dad can’t seem to

O   sit still,

O   stop complaining,

O   snap out of his funk,

O   put a cork in it,

and he

O   continues to volunteer at the church and the shelter.

O   won’t shut up about gas prices.

O   lives in his pajamas.

O   was on a bender and MIA at least half the year.

Mom hasn’t

O   lost a step

O   lifted a finger around the house

O   shut up

O   been seen

since her

O   record-breaking hip replacement recovery time.

O   epic hangnail incident.

O   lottery numbers were “only three away” from the “big money.”

O   parole officer reported her for not checking in this summer.

Sister lives

O   near us now.

O   day to day.

O   on borrowed time.

O   above a strip club.

She

O   moved back with her family for a big promotion.

O   pretends to be holding it together, but a relapse is obviously coming.

O   is the president of her biker gang, and the DEA has been investigating their activities.

O   was named employee of the month at Big Tony’s Gentlemen’s Club and Laundromat.

Brother is

O   switching parenting roles with his wife and staying home with the kids

O   never too far from the couch

O   making one bad decision after another

O   spiraling out of control

while his

O   wife continues to climb the ladder at her amazing job.

O   unemployment checks continue to roll in.

O   bookie keeps contacting us regarding his whereabouts.

O   childhood hopes and dreams slowly circle the giant toilet bowl of life.

The grandkids just keep growing

O   up

O   outward

O   bolder

O   weed

and we wish

O   we could slow time down somehow to enjoy it all a little longer.

O   they would lay off the McCrap and eat a vegetable every once in a while.

O   their parents would actually call their insolent little butts on it.

O   the court system would be tougher on minors.

We hope this letter finds you

O   thriving and loving life

O   before Christmas

O   relatively sober

O  

this year, and we want to

O   extend our warmest holiday wishes to you and yours.

O   let you know we are still alive, despite what you might have heard.

O   make sure we keep in touch, so we have a “what not to do” example for the kids.

O   be done writing now.

If you ever find yourself in town,

O   please come by, we’d love to see you!

O   don’t hesitate to let us know you were here.

O   just remember, we’re away a lot.

O   I’ll bet you’ll be wondering how you got here, you lush!

Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!