I turned 51 years old today. There are two pieces of good
news associated with that.
First, I got a birthday card from my parents that informed
me Shaquille O’Neal, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, Cameron Diaz, Eminem, Brad
Paisley, and Mia Hamm are all my same age. And I’d say we’re not doing too bad,
as a group.
Second, for about the past three or four months I thought I
was already 51 and turning 52 today, so when I finally did the math, it was
like getting a year younger instead of a year older. I highly recommend this
method.
On or around my birthday, I have traditionally added one
piece of “wisdom” (using that term very loosely) to this list. At 51, however,
I am officially changing the format to begin reducing the amount of “wisdom” on
this list by one thought per year. Why? Well, let’s face it, when I turn 100, the
last thing you want to have to do is read 100 rambling, nonsensical ideas from
my no longer functioning brain.
So, here it is – 49 at 51. We’ll be subtracting one each year
until the wheels come off. You’re welcome.
1. The clearest
evidence that capitalism beats communism is that we have at least three private
citizens who own multiple space rockets. Suck it, North Korea.
2. People who are
starting with nothing have a great advantage, because they are perfectly
willing to risk it all.
3. There are two
kinds of people in this world. Those who prefer the toilet paper to come off
the top of the roll, and those who are wrong.
4. Things would go a
lot smoother out there if everyone just drove while driving.
5. With the
circumference of a circle, Pi is always a fixed number. With the circumference
of a person, pie is rarely a fixed number.
6. The truth is like
poetry, and nobody really likes poetry.
7. Here’s one of the main
differences between men and women: Men can look at an ad for women's underwear
and get excited. I’m not talking about women in underwear, just the underwear itself. Women do not get excited
looking at pictures of boxer shorts.
8. Love is great and
all, but the strongest force in the universe is clearly the one that holds
5-gallon buckets together in the stack.
9. Around
mid-November each year, my feelings toward the “Christmas lights stay up on the
house all year” crowd changes briefly from mild distain to all out jealousy.
10. The three-second
rule has a lot of leeway depending on if what you dropped was the last one.
11. Owning a pool in
the winter is like making payments on your new snowmobiles all summer.
12. You cannot use
the phrase, “To be honest with you...” without giving the listener the impression you
aren’t always being honest.
13. You find out a
lot about a person by how they deal with airports.
14. When packing
thirteen suitcases into the car for your wife, is it impossible to have ten of
them be “on top” so she can get to them easily.
15. If one of my boys
saw their brother in a fight, I'm certain they would jump in and help. I'm just
never sure which side they'd be on.
16. You can ask
someone to do something, or you can tell them how you want it done, but you can’t
do both.
17. A good indicator
of where you are in life is this: Does the advertisement of free food still
affect your decision making?
18. Fabric softener
sheets go in the dryer, not the washer. Just FYI. I’m not saying I didn’t know
that.
19. There is no “t”
or “t” sound in the word across. There is no “b” or “b” sound in the word
supposedly. Please pronounce accordingly.
20. Men are far more
likely to clean things with spit than women are.
21. Money and toilet
paper have something in common – They’re both easy to take for granted until
you run out. Also, in totally opposite, but equally dire situations, they can
be substituted for each other.
22. There are very
few things in life that can make you feel as special as the phrase, “or current
resident.”
23. If you ask any
guy to tell you a story about a time he almost died, he will have three stories
just off the top of his head, and one will be from this year. If you ask women
the same question, most of them will look at you like you’re crazy. We guys are
much, much dumber.
24. Nothing says I
never want to have a real job quite like a face tattoo.
25. Closing the door
to avoid waking someone up but accidentally waking them up by closing the door
is irony. If it doesn't fit that pattern then it’s not irony. It's just a
coincidence or unfortunate. I’m looking at you, Alanis Morissett.
26. In life, it is
very important to remember where you are and why you're there. That way, when
your podiatrist tells you to drop your shorts, you’ll ask some questions first.
27. Nothing good has
ever happened below 90.1 FM.
28. Hold out as long
as you can before putting on your first pair of magnifying “reader” glasses.
The second you do, your eyes give up like a marathoner crossing the finish
line.
29. People who don’t
use their cruise control on the freeway should be pulled over and waterboarded.
30. You can't take
bell peppers off a pizza.
31. Pointing out that
Van Gogh’s “girlfriend” was actually a prostitute during a fifth-grade art
docent lesson is not helpful for anyone involved. I’m not saying I did this,
and I’m not saying I didn’t do this – I’m just saying you should avoid doing
this.
32. It’s hard to
claim to be a grown woman, fully capable of taking care of yourself, and also
claim that you do not know how to operate a toilet seat.
33. The fact that
there is such a thing as the American Cemetery Excellence Award is proof that
there is no industry that will not self-congratulate.
34. Quantity of
repetition does not equal truth.
35. “To be or not to
be” is not the question. The real question is which towel in the guest bathroom
am I allowed to use to dry my hands?
36. There is a big,
and usually obvious, difference between something that was designed and
something that was just built.
37. Its not
interchangeable. (take all the time you need)
38. When raising
boys, there is a fine line between upraising and uprising.
39. If a pest control
company has a permanent “now hiring” sign painted on their truck, chances are
it might not be a great place to work.
40. Scientists
recently discovered that female dragonflies will fake their own death to avoid
mating with males. I’ll bet all the married scientists were like, “Yup.”
41. You know when you
pull into a parking space next to someone who is parked at a crazy angle, so it
forces you to park at that same crazy angle, then you come back to your car and
the other car is gone, so it just looks like you chose to park at the
crazy angle for no reason? You always hope that the people who saw your car by
itself understood that someone else forced you to do it, but you know damned
well you yourself never gave the first guy the benefit of that doubt.
42. The challenge
with raising independent, free-thinking adults is that you have to live with
independent, free-thinking children.
43. Guys, do you ever
have trouble figuring out if you’ve had too much to drink? Here’s a handy
guideline:
“There is no way I can scratch that itch on my ankle while I’m
standing here peeing, so I will not try.” – You’re still OK
“I can totally do it without peeing on myself.” – You’re
drunk
44. Be wary of any
celebrity’s restaurant endorsements if that same celebrity also endorses an
antacid.
45. No matter who you
are, no matter where you're from, there is one shared experience that binds us
all together as one people: The sheer horror of the ketchup or mustard water
falling from the unshaken bottle and ruining your perfect bun. I feel your
pain.
46. If you are
looking to try it, kombucha is an acquired taste. Meaning you have to acquire
one of those long skinny cheese graters and completely scrape all the taste
buds off your tongue. Then you can drink it.
47. If you have to
choose, it makes more sense to become a strong swimmer than a strong runner.
You don’t automatically die when you stop running.
48. It’s time for
text-in radio contests to stop saying, "message and data rates may
apply." At this point, if people don't understand how their text and data
plans work, they should learn the hard way.
49. You can give a
teenager reminders about your departure time every fifteen minutes for hours
ahead of time, but they will never start looking for their shoes until you are
sitting in the car.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen
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