It’s five days until the big guy slides down the chimney and ransacks your fridge and wet bar, and you’ve done it again, haven’t you? You have procrastinated your family Christmas letter once again, and now you’re simply out of time.
Well, have no fear, because just like you, I’m consistent, but in the good, helpful, non-self-destructive kind of way. Once again, I have ridden in, just in the St. Nick of time to save the day. The 2023 DIY Christmas letter template is here, just for you.
So, fire up your laptop, grab a (or in your case, another) glass of cheer, and let’s get this thing handled. I have provided all the Christmas letter sections for you – you just have to fill in the lies.
Date
December 15, 2023
(Yes, we know this is a lie, but this way your friends
and family will blame the late arrival on that damned post office.)
Salutation
Dear Cherished Friends and Family,
(I know that very few of them are “cherished” – especially
your stupid brother – but we pretend in the Christmas letter, so don’t edit
that.)
Obligatory gushing intro
We can’t believe how time flies! What a great year we had here in [your state, province, city, town, township, parish, county, or trailer park].
(Yes, you know it wasn’t great, we know it wasn’t great,
they know it wasn’t great. Again, we pretend in the Christmas letter. Just go
with it. You’ll be doing a lot of that here.)
Major highlight section
Our big highlight this year was [big vacation, major milestone, large achievement]. [Add details if appropriate].
(Embellish as needed or blatantly lie if none of those
happened and you never left your state, province, city, town, township, parish,
county, or trailer park.)
Best child section
(You want to start as strong as possible and this is no
time to get all politically correct on me and pretend like you don’t have a
favorite child. You know you do.)
[Best child name] did [academic, sports, and/or extra-curricular achievement(s)]. [Add details if appropriate].
(Embellish as needed or, again, blatantly lie if things
are so sad there that even the best child accomplished nothing.)
Questionable child section
[Questionable child name] did [academic, sports, and/or extra-curricular activities].
(Note: use a minimum of a 1.5x multiplier on any grades,
stats, etc. because you know they could have done so much better if it wasn’t
for that idiot teacher, teammate, classmate, etc.)
Worst child section
(Keep this one brief, and use words like “potential” and “enthusiastic.”)
[Worst child name] did [any tiny accomplishment at all, told with spin like a DJ on a merry-go-round]
Parents and in-laws section
(Again, this section is going to be nothing but fairy
tales.)
We got to see [parents or in-laws] at [encounter during the year] and it was [completely fabricated glowing adjectives].
(Repeat as necessary, you poor, poor soul.)
Spouse section
(This is where we really score some points!)
My amazing [spouse’s name] has been [glowing report akin to the kind of embellishment you used on your resume].
Your section
(Time to finish this thing strong!)
[Lies, lies, lies.]
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2023 Marc Schmatjen
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