My Passport To and From Frustration

I am writing today to remind you, once again, that the people governing us are ridiculous. I’m not sure you needed that reminder so close after election season, but better safe than sorry.

I come to you today with a prime example of bureaucratic idiocracy, from the US Department of State – those fine folks in charge of our passports. If you are a long-time reader of this column, you may recall that this is not the first time I’ve been amazed by the Department of State. My issues go back as far as 2009, when they required us to have a passport for our baby.

I’ll ask again, passport geniuses, – if any child, regardless of age, is required to have a passport, how do you propose I get a passport for a baby under six weeks old? That’s right, I can’t.

Anyway… fast forward to last month and there we were – my sons (they are much taller now) and I (same height but different weight – I don’t want to talk about it) – at the City of Roseville passport office, getting the whole family renewed. My wife didn’t need to be there, because she and I were doing an “adult, existing passport renewal” which just requires new, incredibly flattering pictures and a ton of money, but can be done via mail.

The boys, on the other hand, were required to renew in person, because they were all going from five-year children’s passports to ten-year (praise the Lord) adult passports, even though Son Number Three is only sixteen. Trust me when I tell you I’m not even thinking about that part of this process that doesn’t make logical sense, because all of them having ten-year passports means that last month was the last time I will ever be involved in obtaining or paying for their passports again. I repeat, praise the Lord!

So, there we were, sliding all our paperwork under the bullet- and Covid-proof glass windows to our nice clerk, when she said, “and I’ll need ID’s for the two boys that are over 18.”

Now, as a rational human adult, I responded, “Yes, their old passports are there.”

We were in the office on December 20^th, 2024, renewing passports that had expired on December 9^th, 2024.

She informed me that they needed to provide a driver’s license or similar ID because expired passports can’t be used as identification for the Department of State, because they are expired.

… I stared through the glass for a few seconds…

When she didn’t say, “Just kidding,” I pointed out (in my head) that she was about to mail those same expired passports to that same Department of State as proof that the person on that expired passport exists and is allowed to have another non-expired passport, and that new non-expired passport that they would then send him would be accepted around the globe as the penultimate form of identification.

What I said out loud was, “Hmm, we might have an issue then, because Son Number Two didn't bring his wallet." She re-informed me that expired passports can’t be used as identification for the Department of State, because they are expired.

Now, keep in mind, they did not want to see Son Number Three’s driver’s license, even though he had it with him, because we wasn’t over 18. Instead, they needed to see me and his birth certificate – a document that does not have a picture of him.

When I asked if I could simply vouch for the fact that Son Number Two also belonged to me and was who he said he was, exactly like we were doing with Son Number Three, she informed me that she fully understood the situation, and that expired passports can’t be used as identification for the Department of State, because they are expired.

Anyway…

With some emergency calls and quick work by his mother, Son Number Two’s state-issued driver’s license, which will soon not be accepted as sufficient identification to get on an airplane, arrived and was used as proof that his expired passport was… something.

I honestly don’t know what.

All this being said, I will hand it to the Department of State for one thing. Our new passports are already here. It was pretty fast, by government standards.

All THAT being said, they arrived in a envelope with this return address:

U.S. Department of State

San Francisco Passport Agency

44132 Mercure Cir

PO Box 1143

Sterling, VA 20166-1143

 

Read that address as many times as you need to.

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

Copyright © 2025 Marc Schmatjen

 

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