That’s right, sports fans. The big game is upon us! Super Sunday is this weekend.
(In case you didn’t know, the NFL copyrighted and trademarked the name Superbowl and/or Super Bowl a long time ago, so I’m not even allowed to write either of those, so I obviously never would.)
Regarding the upcoming Super Bowl, this is the fifth time the Kansas City Chiefs are playing in the big game in the last six years, and Sunday will be their third straight appearance.
People attribute the Chief’s success to a number of factors, including quarterback Patrick Mahomes, coach Andy Reid, and the fact that the multi-billion-dollar NFL’s officiating system somehow can’t get access at the New York play review office to the camera angles from the actual live broadcast the rest of the world is watching. On our regular TV’s in our regular homes.
But you Swifties out there know better than all that. You know who is carrying the team on his, broad, manly shoulders. Yes, our beloved number 87, Mr. Taylor Swift – the ever-so-dreamy Travis Kelce.
If Travis and the Chiefs win on Sunday, they will have accomplished something no other NFL team has ever done – having been handed a victory against the 49ers in overtime by a complete breakdown in the NFL officiating system the year prior to being the only team to be declared Super Bowl champion three years in a row. Amazing!
Is a third straight, record-setting ring in the cards? Well, that’s not the main question. Statistically speaking, since this is yet another Chiefs-Eagles game, the majority of people watching this game will be Taylor Swift fans, not NFL football fans. The rest of us just don’t care. So, going by majority rule, the MAIN question this year is, will there be an engagement ring?
OMG, how romantic and perfect would it be if the Chiefs win (obviously!!) and Travis gets down on one knee and proposes to our girl right there on the 50 line, or whatever it’s called!! I’ll bet the ring is going to be HUGE!!! OMG, I can’t even!!
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s still four quarters of football to play, and Swift/Kelce/Mahomes/Reid and the officials can only do so much. So, the real question, Swifties, is IF the plan is to propose, is it like, totally not gonna happen if the Chiefs lose? I mean, obviously it would be, like, a total bummer if the Eagles cheat enough to beat the Chiefs, but what will that mean for our girl?? How will we have a nationally televised proposal at that point? OMG, I don’t even want to think about it.
Now, for you Swifties, we know that you have been watching an unprecedented amount of football since your girl started dating Travis, so just like last year, I thought we’d go over some football basics in case some of you newer or younger Swifties need a little help with the ins and outs of the gridiron.
We’ll break down a few football positions and terms, starting, of course, with Kelce’s position.
Tight End: Offense - The most important position, obviously, reserved for super-famous guys with tons of charisma. They line up on the end of the offensive line. Sometimes they catch passes. Most of the time they block people and date celebrities.
Cornerback: Defense – This is the guy who will be hassling Travis Kelce a lot.
Nickelback: Defense – A fifth defensive back used in the nickel formation to protect better against a passing offense. Also, a really solid rock band that gets a strangely unwarranted amount of hate on the internet.
Slot Back: Offense – Sort of like Travis Kelce’s position, but a little further back off the line of scrimmage. Don’t worry about this one. No one says slotback anymore.
Quarterback: Offense – Patrick Mahomes – the guy who never throws it to Travis Kelce when he is wide open, OMG!
Line of Scrimmage: The blue line. No one is allowed across this line until the center twitches the ball ever so slightly.
Center: Offense – The guy who gives the ball to Patrick Mahomes, so you can get mad at him for not throwing it to Travis Kelce who was wide open AGAIN, OMG!
Nose Tackle: Defense – The guy the center really doesn’t like very much.
Guard: Offence – Anyone over 300 pounds.
Tackle: 1) Offence & Defense – See “Guard” or 2) Getting the guy with the ball to touch the ground with some part of his body other than his hands or feet, while you are also touching him. This means he’s down, but down like the play is over, not down like first down.
Running Back: Offence - You will see Saquon Barkley, #26 for the “bad guys,” running with the ball a lot, hurtling Chiefs linebackers with insane, otherworldly athleticism, and scoring lots of touchdowns. He’s a running back. BTW, he just got engaged! Lucky!!
Fumble: What Saquon Barkley hardly ever does.
First Downs: What Saquon Barkley gets a lot of.
Safety: 1) Defense – The guy in charge of not letting the wide receivers catch the ball or 2) When the offence gets tackled in their own end zone, resulting in two points for the defense, and hopelessly screwing up the scoring for everyone’s Super Bowl pools.
Holding: Any time you grab someone who doesn’t have the ball, except when it’s OK.
Pass Interference: Any time a defender does anything at all that would prevent an eligible receiver from catching a forward pass, except for all the things the defender can do to try to catch the pass themselves, since all defensive players are eligible receivers, leading to the question, if I’m a defender trying to catch the ball, what if I put my hand up in front of the wide receiver’s face to catch it? Isn’t that a PI? Not even the NFL officials in New York know the answer.
Interception: Any time the defender catches the ball and doesn’t get called for pass interference.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct: The physical motions and words of the wide receiver after an interception with no pass interference called.
OK, I hope that helps if you were wondering about any of that stuff. As far as whether Travis will get a third straight ring, or Tay-Tay will get a first... we’ll just have to wait and see.
OMG, I’m so excited!!!
See you on Super Bowl Sunday,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2025 Marc Schmatjen
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