Monday, August 11, 2008

I Have a Dream - A Father's Version

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. It is a Father’s Dream.

I have a dream that one day I will be able to sleep in. That one day I will not be woken by the sound of a wooden kitchen spoon banging on my door at 5:30 am.

I have a dream that I will one day be able to wear a shirt for more than ten minutes without getting baby spit-up on it.

I have a dream that one day I will not have to watch four effeminate Australians dance poorly and sing about fruit salad and a big red car. That one day I can stop having to sing along with the four effeminate Australians.

I have a dream that my three little boys will one day be able to play with someone else’s children without someone going to time out or the emergency room.

I have a dream that my children will someday get up in the middle of the night, go pee, and go right back to bed without waking me up to tell me about it.

I have a dream that someday soon I will be able to walk through my own house barefoot in the dark without fear of plastic dinosaur puncture wounds.

I have a dream that I will no longer have to count to three. That someday I will only need to get to two.

I have a dream that someday I will stop finding two-week-old fruit snacks in the leather seats. That I will quit having to vacuum pulverized goldfish crackers out of the floor mats.

I have a dream that one day I will remove my last car seat, never having to contort myself to install it in another car again.

I have a dream that one day my children will travel with only one suitcase each, and they will carry that suitcase themselves. That one day they will not require 32 tons of accessories per child.

I have a dream that some day soon I will be able to stand at my toilet and pee without having a little boy come up behind me and try to stick his head between my legs because he thinks it’s funny.

I have a dream that one day I will be able to open my own cupboards freely, without first having to Houdini a child-proof plastic locking device. That one day we may be able to have breakables below the five foot line.

I have a dream that someday soon I will be able to set my drink down on the coffee table without a care in the world. That someone somewhere would produce a reliable stain repellant for carpet.

I have a dream that one day I will no longer have to play the “Identify the Foul Smell and its Source” game. That one day, I will no longer stockpile poop-filled diapers in my laundry room until the “odor reducing” container is full enough to go to the trash.

I have a dream that the day will come when I will no longer find any long-forgotten sippy-cups of curdled milk underneath my couch.

I have a dream that I will once again be able to eat my whole meal at a restaurant without once uttering the words “inside voice,” or, “Please don’t stab your brother with your fork.”

I have a dream that someday what is on my plate will cease to be much more desirable than what is on his plate. That his green things will stop being “yucky” while mine are “yummy.”

I have a dream that one Saturday morning in the future my boys will be able to run into my room and jump on me in bed without one of them kicking me in the goodies.

And when this happens, I will sing:

Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Because our boys will be growing up and done with all those annoying childhood problems. Teenagers are easier, right?

See you soon,

Copyright © 2008 Marc Schmatjen

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  1. Keep dreamin' Smidge

  2. It's the "effeminism" that scares you about the wiggles??? It's that creepy Feathersword that keeps me up at night. ;)

  3. My youngest turned 6 in June and I went straight to the garage, pulled out the %$#@! carseat and threw it in the garbage. Free at last, indeed.

  4. Teenagers text--from Oregon--where they've flown all alone and have made all the arrangements themselves for whom to visit etc. and where they are buying something like school clothes which are only mildly identifiable by tracking the online banking expenditures. You will write a whole new dream! Love you all :)