Wednesday, January 5, 2011


My wife had been after me all week to tell her what my New Year’s resolutions were, and apparently, “I don’t have any,” was not an acceptable answer, so I was forced to find some. I did some quick internet research and came up with a list of the most popular resolutions in America. Not wanting to appear like I was slacking off, I have adopted all of them. Bring it on, 2011!

Spend more time with family and friends
Since the only two things I do are work and hang out with my family and friends, the only way to accomplish this resolution was to quit my job. Done.

Go to the gym more
OK, let’s not start talking crazy. I modified this one slightly to fit my lifestyle. I resolved to drive past the gym at least twice a week. If I go the long way to 7-Eleven, I can go by the gym on my way to get my 94-oz soda. Baby steps, people!

Lose weight
I am all about this resolution. I have been keeping my eye on the new MacBook Air, and I think it’s time to pull the trigger on that bad boy. That should get rid of about five pounds compared to my old Dell.

Quit smoking
I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do this one, and frankly, I really don’t understand why I need to. I mean, what’s better than ribs? Answer… nothing. Still, I guess I could rotisserie more chickens or something like that. I’ll have to think about this one some more.

Enjoy life more
Uh… hello? Didn’t they pay attention to the first one? I just quit my job. This one is kind of redundant, don’t you think?

Quit drinking
No problem there. This one requires no action on my part. I only drink beer, and everyone knows, beer doesn’t count. It’s more of a food group than a beverage, really. They can’t possibly mean beer, can they? I mean, what would I drink while I was smoking? Or rotisserie-ing?

Get out of debt
This one may be a little tricky, since I just quit my job, but I have at least resolved to stop taking payday loans to cover my gambling losses. That should help. I will, instead, borrow money from friends and relatives. That should cut down on my principal and interest payments significantly.

Learn a new language
I have actually been meaning to do this for quite a while, so this resolution thing should really be the boost I need. I am going to learn to speak Number Three. I am constantly having to ask Son Number One and Son Number Two what the heck Number Three just said. Everyone in our house can understand our youngest son, except me. My wife will really appreciate it when I finally crack the code! It should also really help him when he’s trying to tell me stuff like, “My head is stuck,” or “You’re sitting on me.”

Help others
This one sounded like a lot of work, and appears to involve talking to other people, so I decided to modify it slightly. I have resolved to give my sons 30% fewer smart-ass answers to their questions. That should help them learn more actual facts, and should satisfy this category.

Stick to a budget
Budgets have never really worked out for me, and since I am unemployed now, the idea just seems silly. I mean, how can I have a budget when I don’t have a paycheck? Hello! So, I have modified this one to be “Stick to a system.” Namely, my horse picking system at the track. I figure without any future paychecks, I will need to really buckle down and get serious at the track if I’m going to feed the family.

Find my soul mate
This one required some modification. For starters, since I already have a wife, finding my soul mate might involve a messy divorce. Plus, one of the main reasons I got married in the first place was so that I could stop dating. In light of these considerations, I have decided instead to find my soul mate of beer. My beer mate, if you will. Yes, that one perfect beer that compliments everything in my new and improved life. I don’t expect the search to be easy. On the contrary, I think this quest may take a lifetime, but I’m willing to put that kind of time in for such an important resolution.

Find a better job
Again… hello? I just quit my last job. Don’t they even pay attention to their own lists? I have found a better job; namely, no job. Duh!

Be less stressed
Let’s see, here... I’m an unemployed guy on a quest to find his beer mate. This one should not be a problem.

On second thought, when I presented this list to my wife, she looked a little stressed. That sometimes has a way of coming around to bite me, so the “Be less stressed” one might be a little more difficult than I thought.

She keeps muttering something that sounds like, “You quit your what?” and her face seems a little redder than normal. Maybe she should think about quitting her job and going on a quest to find her wine mate. I’ll suggest that to her. That might get me some extra points in the “Help others” category, too.

I can’t figure out why she seems so upset. After all, this was her idea.

See you soon,

Copyright © 2011 Marc Schmatjen

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  1. Smidge, you had better watch your back. I think that I saw your wife at the hardware store buying duct tape and black plastic tarps and muttering something about life insurance.

  2. The joke will be on her! I cashed in that policy to cover some track losses. Ha!

  3. You and Sandy need to come visit. We can take you to Hess Brewing and fulfill your perfect beer quest and Sandy and I can drink some good vino. And since your jobless and have no money, you can stay with us for FREE :)
    It's a WIN all the way around!

  4. Tiff,
    Sandy will have to stay here with he kids for school and her new job as a cocktail waitress at Sizzler, but I'm coming down tomorrow to live on your couch for about a month. I want to make sure I give the beers at Hess a fair shake. Thanks in advance for the offer!

  5. Late to the thread - just trying to earn you some bucks here tho'.

    Would you please reconsider calling AJ Number 2?