Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Wordy Endings

We all know about the dreaded “Dear John” letter, and maybe you have even received one in your day. Chances are, if you have, it went something like this:

Dear John,

When we first started dating I thought we would be together forever. But, as the months have passed, I have found us growing farther and farther apart. I have tried my best to work through our differences, but it is clear to me now that we just want different things out of life.

I don’t want to drag out a failing relationship any longer than necessary, so I am leaving you. You will always have a spot in my heart, but I must move on. I wish only the best for you in your life without me.


Things are a little different these days, with more and more segments of our population seeming to have their own languages. Among other things, these new forms of communication have drastically altered the way some of us say goodbye.

As an example, here is a recent “Dear John” letter from a corporate executive:

Dear John,

As we efforted to leverage our core competencies to grow a win-win valueship, at first I was convinced we had a winning solution set with massive back-end upside.

However, as mission-critical as your role has been in the framework of our enterprise, it seems that I am tasked with the lion’s share of the heavy lifting. Even in times of narrow bandwidth and actionable strike points, when we needed to be “all hands on deck,” you remained unincentivized. At the end of the day, we need to effort to be future-proof, and our current paradigm cannot be scaled to leverage a win-win without a dynamic, value-add synergy.

I have “opened the kimono” on our valueship and actioned to effort a paradigm shift in our synergy, but to no avail. After gaining some tribal knowledge from our core associates, it seems we are at a tipping point with our core values and core principles, and despite my immersion in the efforting, at the end of the day, without buy-in from your side, our valueship just doesn’t have a long tail.

Therefore, I am hereby diverging our win paths and dissolving our current enterprise. Going forward, I will be efforting to leverage my core competencies in new markets.

Best regards,

If you thought that was cryptic, get a load of this “Dear John” letter from a local realtor:

Dear John,

When we first started dating, I thought our relationship was as solid as granite. You had fantastic curb appeal, you were well maintained, low maintenance, and very well appointed. We were both “original owners,” and I thought that meant our relationship would be a great investment.

As the months went buy, however, I have begun to notice some quaint features about you that are too numerous to mention. When I realized our relationship needed TLC, I was willing to negotiate. Maybe I was just being a motivated buyer, or maybe it was a seller’s market, I don’t know which, but I was willing to put in the sweat equity to keep us from being back on the market.

I had thought you were a gourmet, but it turns out you are more “granite feel” than “sub-zero.” I thought you were a low-maintenance man who was in move-in condition. In reality, you seem to have a lot of deferred maintenance and are more of a fixer-upper than I had anticipated.

At this point, with what I have found after the initial inspection period, I am going to “back out of escrow” and make an offer on another fully furnished model. He’s a ranch style guy who has gorgeous features and really shows well. Sorry for the short sale on our relationship, but I have to move quickly. He’s priced to sell and going fast!

Bringing your dreams home,

Yikes! If you thought that was hard to follow, wait until you read this recent example of a “Dear John” text from an unidentified teenager:

To: Jonny327
From: cool-jane-girl99
u used 2 m8k me :)
u used 2 m8k me LOL
now u m8k me :(
i m de-friending u on fb and xing u from my contacts
:( :( :(

As much as I don’t like the new abbreviated texting language, all things considered, I like the third option the best. You can’t understand any of them, so if you’re being dumped, at least the text is a faster read. They say brevity is the soul of wit. It may also be the soul of breaking it off!

See you soon,

Copyright © 2011 Marc Schmatjen

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