Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Random Thoughts

As with most weekly column writers, I keep a list of possible future topics for my articles. At least, I assume other writers do this. I actually don’t ever talk to other writers since most of us tend to be neurotic weirdoes. Anyway, a lot of things end up on the list that fall into the category of single random thoughts. Not enough of an idea to write an entire article on (at least, not one that you would want to read), but still important enough to me to keep. Eventually they pile up and need to be freed from the constraints of the list and unleashed upon the world. These are they.

Why does everyone offer senior discounts? In my experience, seniors tend to be the ones with all the money. What we need is “guys in their 30’s and 40’s with three kids” discounts. We’re broke.

It makes more sense to be a strong swimmer than a strong runner. You never drown when you stop running.

I recently received a FedEx delivery slip that said, "Sign legibly." Sorry, FedEx, but you're going to have to pick one or the other.

More and more these days, every time I go to a discount gas station, it seems like I am the only person there not currently on, looking for, or selling methamphetamines. I pay more for gas now just so I can be around other people who still have all their teeth.

Why do we still say, “Hang up the phone?” At this point, shouldn't it be, “Push the button?”

All the hand sanitizer in the world won't help if your kid is going to lick the shopping cart handle.

I have never understood the saying, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Why would you want to “have” your cake without eating it? To stare at it because it’s pretty? Who wants to sit and look at a cake?

It has occurred to me that “multi-tasking” is the decision to accomplish multiple tasks poorly in more time than it takes to accomplish one task well.

I have decided that the best benchmark of where you are financially in your life is not your bank account balance. It is whether or not the advertisement of “free appetizers” has a profound impact on your decision making.

How come the word symmetrical isn’t a palindrome, like noon or radar?

The people at the Army need to talk to me. If you want to stop an enemy, simply steal their shoes and spread Legos everywhere. Nothing is more effective.

The other day, while trying to go to I typed in dictonary. They should probably have a function that just blocks you from the site for 48 hours to punish you for being an ironic jackass.

I received a letter the other day that had a return address of 3542 Solitude Way. Shouldn’t it be 1 Solitude Way?

Why do I have to spell approximately correctly every time?

I have found that if you donate enough money to the right charities, you will never have to buy return address labels as long as you live.

If you work at the Federal Reserve, wouldn’t it be easier if they just paid you in cash?

As I get older, I’m finding that gravity is really starting to let me down.

It is very obvious that classy is either inherited or earned. It cannot be purchased.

On my last trip to Las Vegas, I flew out from Sacramento on a flight that was advertised as a 55 minute trip, but my flight back from Las Vegas to Sacramento was billed as 1-1/2 hours gate-to-gate. On the return trip, the captain announced that despite leaving the gate 15 minutes late we would still be arriving on time. Is it just me, or are the airlines using fuzzy math?

Why are “sun-dried” tomatoes better than any other way of drying a tomato? A dried tomato is a dried tomato, right?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

In my experience, people who have a lot to say often say most of it on the back of their car.

There should be a constitutional amendment banning the use of the number 0 and the letter O in alpha-numeric strings. It should also ban the use of the letters V and W. I can never tell if it’s a W or two V’s. Forget about it if they’re next to each other. Is it W-V, or is it V-W? Is it two W’s or four V's, or V-W-V?

Q is in the wrong place in the alphabet. There is no way it should be between P and R. It should be way at the end with V-Z.

Why is the grass in between the sidewalk and the parking lot at Walgreens and Arco always nicer than mine? That offends me on some level.

If you drop your vitamin-C tablet into a hotel sink, is that considered a stalemate?

Money and toilet paper have something in common. They are both easy to take for granted until you run out.

And finally,

How come you never see any bald Eskimos? Someone needs to figure out what’s up with their hair and patent it.

See you soon,


Copyright © 2012 Marc Schmatjen

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