Wednesday, June 6, 2012


A few months ago, my wife signed me up to receive emails from Groupon. I had no idea what Groupon was, and no prior interest in it, so I wasn’t exactly sure why she did it. As it later turned out, she was hoping I would buy her things. She’s funny sometimes!

Anyway, one of the first “deals” I was alerted to by the handy Groupon daily email was the unbelievable opportunity to score 47% off a Chocolate and Beer Pairing Class. I’m sorry… a what? Why would I want to pair chocolate with beer? Beer is for pretzels, peanuts and meat, not candy. And even if I wanted to do something as un-American and un-manly as matching up chocolate with beer, why would I want to pay to take a class on how to do it? How hard could it be? There are only two kinds of chocolate; milk and dark. Beer will go equally poorly with either one.

This inane suggestion for something to waste my money on got me curious about Groupon. What other gems did they have to offer me?

How about:

Up to 56% off Self-Service Dog Washes – If you mean the dog is supposed to wash itself, isn’t that called a pool? If you mean you are going to wash your own dog, isn’t that called a hose?

Up to 56% off Champagne Tasting and Chicken Dinner – The picture had elegant, sparkling champagne flutes in the background, and KFC-style fried chicken drumsticks in the foreground. – Yeah, nothing goes better with KFC than fine champagne. Except, of course, Thunderbird.

Up to 54% off a Five-Hour Photography Boot Camp – Excuse me? Photography boot camp? YOU CALL THAT AN F-STOP?!? TAKE THE PICTURE, MAGGOT! DO IT!!!

55% off Discovery Flight Package – Just which one of us is discovering how to fly; me or the “instructor”? There is something about getting bargain basement prices on flight lessons that just doesn’t feel right.

Up to half off a Steve Trevino Comedy Show for Two – You mean, he’s just going to be doing a show for two of us? That seems like it would be awkward.

Up to 76% off Smartlipo or Tickle Liposuction – Tickle Liposuction???? I don’t even know what to think about that.

Up to 57% off Colon Hydrotherapy – That’s just a fancy way of saying enema, isn’t it? No, thanks.

Up to 62% off Infared Body Wraps – I have no idea what that could possibly be, but the fact that the seller of this magnificent product misspelled infrared worries me more than just a little.

Up to 63% off a Pair of Weight Loss Hot Pants – I might want to see 63% off hot pants on the right jogger, but then again, since they are weight loss hot pants, maybe not.

63% off a Motion-Activated Candy Dispenser – Hmm… A motion activated candy dispenser. That seems like it would have an exponential speed increase until the blur of my children suddenly stopped due to three sucrose-induced comas.

Up to 53% off 0.5 cc or 1 cc Injection of Restylane or JuvĂ©derm – I have no idea what either of those substances are, but if they need to be measured in cc’s, presumably to avoid some kind of overdose, and it will be injected into me with a needle, do I really want to be doing that at a place that takes coupons?

79% off Cellulite Reduction Treatments – Didn’t that used to be called running?

Up to 57% off Couples Massage – If you are a couple, why do you need to pay for a massage?

52% off Car-Drifting Courses – A class to teach you how to slide your car sideways. That sounds like a smart use of your money. Maybe you’ll be the best one in your class and the instructor will secretly be a Hollywood director and he’ll want you and your lowered Mitsubishi to be in the next “The Fast and the Furious” movie. Or not.

59% off Sinful Dark Chocolate Facials – You heard me. Chocolate facials.

53% off The Original Slanket – “A flowing fleece blanket with loose-fitting sleeves, letting wearers maintain full use of their hands while lounging.” -  I can’t believe there is a Snuggie knockoff!

Up to 84% off Body Slimming Treatments – “Non-invasive Electro-Slim devices” electrically activating your muscles to get a “work-out” while you lay on a bed. Hmmm… Maybe you could just save the money and jog from your house to the place where you were about to pay for this. 

Up to 64% off Botox – Isn’t Botox actually a form of the food poison botulism? And doesn’t it get injected into your face to get rid of wrinkles? Again, poison being injected with needles at a place that takes coupons. No, thanks.

Up to 86% off an MMA Gym Membership – You want me to pay to belong to a gym where I will get kicked in the head? You must have been kicked in the head.

53% off Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrushes – Never. Never in a million years. Never, ever.

Half off Pole Dancing Classes or Private Party – Is Groupon really the place where strippers go to get their training? What on earth could that private party involve? Yikes.

52% off Unlimited Wine Tasting for Two – These people must be itching to lose money, because they just said “unlimited wine tasting.” Have they not met my wife and her friends?

52% off Universal Remote Control with Built-in Bottle Opener – OK, now we’re getting somewhere. A beer-related Groupon that makes sense.

Half off lingerie, bikinis, dresses and costumes – Do they mean the garments are half-sized, or they cost half as much? Either way, this is another Groupon I can get behind!

Half off Scandinavian Cozies – The picture had a sock-looking thing that went up your arm with a foam rubber beverage holder on the end of it, so you can hold your beer without having your hand get cold. OK, now here’s another beer Groupon with some weight behind it. That is one handy looking beer cozy!

Actually, Groupon does seem to have a lot of good beer-related offerings. In fact, the more I think about that chocolate and beer pairing class, the more I think they might be onto something. I mean, I would prefer a beer and bratwurst pairing class, but I do like chocolate as much as the next guy, and if there is beer sampling... Hmmm. I mean, depending on how much the class costs versus how many beers I get to sample, it might just make good financial sense. If there is enough beer involved, I may not be able to afford not to do it!

Excuse me, I need to go look into that. Maybe I’ll bring my new remote control beer opener and my Scandinavian hand warmer beer cozy.

See you soon,


Copyright © 2012 Marc Schmatjen

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  1. Chocolate and beer. C'mon think about this pairing as a his and hers combo... See! Better, right?

  2. That's a good way to look at it. Plus, if she just eats the chocolate, I'll have a designated driver!

  3. Surprised they haven't offered you a Brazilian waxing. That's all I seem to get groupon offers for.

  4. Nick,
    I bought one of those once thinking it was going to be a class on a new surfboard traction method. Boy was that a surprise!

  5. Just got another daily email for the Tickle Liposuction, but it showed up on my phone as "Tick Liposuction." Now there's a holistic approach!