Since
we are right in the heart of baseball season, I thought I would write a “public
service” type column this week in an effort to help you, the baseball fan,
combat the high price of ballpark food and beverages.
I
can get you into the park with your own beer. No longer will you need to pay
$27 for two Miller Lites. It’s simple. It’s ingenious. It’s a little weird.
You
just need to buy a used breast pump.
You
see, my wife and I, through some strange circumstances, stumbled upon the
absolute best way to smuggle almost anything you want into a sports venue.
When
Son Number Three was just a baby, we received two San Francisco Giants home
game tickets as a gift. They were phenomenal seats, right behind home plate, at
one of the best ballparks in the major leagues. They were not to be missed.
Son
Number Three was only a few months old at the time, and my wife was right in
the thick of the breastfeeding. He was drinking a lot, and she was making a
lot. That presents a problem when said mother needs to be away from said child
for eight hours. Her body would keep making milk for him, even if he wasn’t
there to drink it.
If
you have never witnessed the miracle of breastfeeding, you are really missing
out. If a mother is on a regular schedule with a constantly hungry child, her
body produces milk at very regular intervals. When a mother’s milk “comes in,”
it is something very akin to inflating balloons from a high-pressure helium
tank. Wham-o! Not wanting her breasts to explode in the fifth inning, and not
wanting to miss going to the game, my clever wife devised a plan.
She
would bring her breast pump to the game, excuse herself to the family restroom
when the time came, depressurize her chest, pour the milk down the drain, and
return to her seat where I would fill her in on what she missed. Brilliant.
We
drove to San Francisco, pulled into our complimentary parking spot that came
with the tickets, and made our way to the turnstiles. Prior to entering the
park, we had to stand in line for a bag check. It was there that our great
discovery was made. I naturally assessed line length versus apparent line speed
and chose the optimal line. It happened to be manned by a
twenty-something-year-old male bag checker. When we got up to his table, my
wife opened her purse for him to peer into. Satisfied with her purse, he then
asked to inspect the rather large pouch hanging from her other shoulder.
The
modern-day breast pump is an efficient machine. It is made for ease of use, and
ease of portability. This model had an integral carrying case, with two main
access panels. The first access panel revealed the working front of the pump,
with all its hose attachments, knobs, and buttons. The second access hatch
opened to a rather good-sized storage compartment, ostensibly to hold the
bottles and suction cup devices necessary to do the job.
My
wife set the breast pump down on the inspection table, with all the flaps still
closed.
“What
is this?” the young man inquired, as he opened the first flap, revealing all
the knobs, buttons and hoses.
“It’s
a breast pump.”
“A
what?” he asked, as he bent down to squint at the strange apparatus.
“A
breast pump,” my wife repeated, as he began spinning it around to look at the
back side. “I just had a baby, and I’m breastfeeding. This is a pump that…”
She
didn’t get to finish her sentence. A light went on inside the young man’s head,
and all at once he realized just what it was he was touching. He recoiled
straight backward, five feet away from the table, as if he had found a coiled
rattlesnake under the flap of the bag.
He
continued to back farther away from the table with both his hands up in the “I
surrender” position as he begged us to not only have a great day, but also
enjoy the game. We were to immediately leave his table area and go about our
business, no further questions asked. He was fifteen feet away from the table
and still backing up when we thanked him and passed through into the park.
It’s
that simple, ladies and gentlemen. Go to the second hand baby stuff store and
buy a previously-owned breast pump. You could easily fit three or four cans of
beer in the standard storage area, but if you felt the need to smuggle in a six
pack and some sandwiches, you could always cut open the bottom and hollow out
the inside. Just make sure to leave all the knobs, hoses, and buttons, and at
least one of the suction cups visible under the first flap.
At
today’s ballpark concession prices, a $50 to $100 investment will pay for
itself in no time. There are only two cautions with this ingenious new
smuggling plan. First, you need at least one lady with you, so this won’t work
on the guys-only outings. Second, and most importantly, you need to go to a
young man for the bag check. The 50-year-old mother of three will tear that
thing apart, because she knows all about the storage compartment, and she won’t
be afraid to touch it!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2012 Marc Schmatjen
Have kids? Have grandkids? Need a great gift?
Go to www.smidgebooks.com
today and get your copy of My Giraffe
Makes Me Laugh, Marc’s exciting new children’s book. Get ready for a wild
rhyming adventure!
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