Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Smuggling Made Easy

Since we are right in the heart of baseball season, I thought I would write a “public service” type column this week in an effort to help you, the baseball fan, combat the high price of ballpark food and beverages.

I can get you into the park with your own beer. No longer will you need to pay $27 for two Miller Lites. It’s simple. It’s ingenious. It’s a little weird.

You just need to buy a used breast pump.

You see, my wife and I, through some strange circumstances, stumbled upon the absolute best way to smuggle almost anything you want into a sports venue.

When Son Number Three was just a baby, we received two San Francisco Giants home game tickets as a gift. They were phenomenal seats, right behind home plate, at one of the best ballparks in the major leagues. They were not to be missed.

Son Number Three was only a few months old at the time, and my wife was right in the thick of the breastfeeding. He was drinking a lot, and she was making a lot. That presents a problem when said mother needs to be away from said child for eight hours. Her body would keep making milk for him, even if he wasn’t there to drink it.

If you have never witnessed the miracle of breastfeeding, you are really missing out. If a mother is on a regular schedule with a constantly hungry child, her body produces milk at very regular intervals. When a mother’s milk “comes in,” it is something very akin to inflating balloons from a high-pressure helium tank. Wham-o! Not wanting her breasts to explode in the fifth inning, and not wanting to miss going to the game, my clever wife devised a plan.

She would bring her breast pump to the game, excuse herself to the family restroom when the time came, depressurize her chest, pour the milk down the drain, and return to her seat where I would fill her in on what she missed. Brilliant.

We drove to San Francisco, pulled into our complimentary parking spot that came with the tickets, and made our way to the turnstiles. Prior to entering the park, we had to stand in line for a bag check. It was there that our great discovery was made. I naturally assessed line length versus apparent line speed and chose the optimal line. It happened to be manned by a twenty-something-year-old male bag checker. When we got up to his table, my wife opened her purse for him to peer into. Satisfied with her purse, he then asked to inspect the rather large pouch hanging from her other shoulder.

The modern-day breast pump is an efficient machine. It is made for ease of use, and ease of portability. This model had an integral carrying case, with two main access panels. The first access panel revealed the working front of the pump, with all its hose attachments, knobs, and buttons. The second access hatch opened to a rather good-sized storage compartment, ostensibly to hold the bottles and suction cup devices necessary to do the job.

My wife set the breast pump down on the inspection table, with all the flaps still closed.

“What is this?” the young man inquired, as he opened the first flap, revealing all the knobs, buttons and hoses.

“It’s a breast pump.”

“A what?” he asked, as he bent down to squint at the strange apparatus.

“A breast pump,” my wife repeated, as he began spinning it around to look at the back side. “I just had a baby, and I’m breastfeeding. This is a pump that…”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence. A light went on inside the young man’s head, and all at once he realized just what it was he was touching. He recoiled straight backward, five feet away from the table, as if he had found a coiled rattlesnake under the flap of the bag.

He continued to back farther away from the table with both his hands up in the “I surrender” position as he begged us to not only have a great day, but also enjoy the game. We were to immediately leave his table area and go about our business, no further questions asked. He was fifteen feet away from the table and still backing up when we thanked him and passed through into the park.

It’s that simple, ladies and gentlemen. Go to the second hand baby stuff store and buy a previously-owned breast pump. You could easily fit three or four cans of beer in the standard storage area, but if you felt the need to smuggle in a six pack and some sandwiches, you could always cut open the bottom and hollow out the inside. Just make sure to leave all the knobs, hoses, and buttons, and at least one of the suction cups visible under the first flap.

At today’s ballpark concession prices, a $50 to $100 investment will pay for itself in no time. There are only two cautions with this ingenious new smuggling plan. First, you need at least one lady with you, so this won’t work on the guys-only outings. Second, and most importantly, you need to go to a young man for the bag check. The 50-year-old mother of three will tear that thing apart, because she knows all about the storage compartment, and she won’t be afraid to touch it!

See you soon,


Copyright © 2012 Marc Schmatjen

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