Apparently, there is something very honest-looking about
your forehead and ears, because when you hide them, you look like a criminal.
At least, I do.
Ever since I lost the majority of the hair on top of my
head, I have been either too cold or too hot. I need to wear a hat outdoors for
almost 10 months of the year just to remain at a reasonable temperature. Most
of the year a baseball cap works just fine, but for the brutal 15 days of
winter here in California, I need something a little warmer on top of my
exposed dome.
I got out of the car the other night at Chipotle -- where I
was picking up a very nutritious dinner for my wife and I, while our kids were
at home with her, eating leftovers and complaining that they didn’t get
Chipotle -- when I saw my reflection in the window. I had on my winter beanie
cap, and as usual it was pulled down over my ears. If I was the guy at the
register inside Chipotle and had seen me coming, I would have assumed I was
there to rob the place. I simply look like a ne’er-do-well when I wear a beanie
cap.
Women tend to be able to pull the beanie cap look off a lot
better than men, but it’s not universal. Most women look cute in a beanie, but
occasionally on the wrong woman it can backfire and make her look either
homeless, or like your uncle Frank. The beanie doesn’t work on guys at all.
There is something about covering up a guy’s ears with a woolen hat that makes
them look either untrustworthy, or at the very least, unmotivated. Those are
really the only two choices for guys. If you want warm ears you are bound to
look like a total slacker or a total hoodlum.
And speaking of hoodlums, let’s not forget the origin of
that word. There is also something about your ears that makes you identifiable,
or at least recognizable, because in the old days, wearing a hood was all you
had to do to conceal your identity during a robbery.
“What did the scoundrels look like?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t see their ears.”
The term “hood” has never once been used to describe
anything good, except maybe the hood over your stove. Those are handy. In
describing people and places, it is less than complimentary. I even dislike the
word “hoodie.” It has always left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s another hip
shortening of a perfectly good word or term, like “vacay” instead of vacation,
or “froyo” instead of frozen yogurt. Are we really so lazy or so busy now that
we need to shorten “frozen yogurt” to save time? In my mind, that hipster
language is indicative of the disturbingly numerous twenty-something slackers I
see walking slowly, iPod ear bud cord protruding from under their hoodie, head
down, slack-jawed, skinny jeans hanging low, with an eight-dollar cup of coffee
in their hand. Half the time I can’t
honestly tell if the particular societal all-star is male or female. Stand up
straight and watch where you’re going! But I digress…
I had never owned a hooded sweatshirt until my mother-in-law
unknowingly bought me one last Christmas. I politely said thanks while
thinking, “Oh great, a ‘hoodie.’ What am I, an unemployed 20-year-old?” I was
planning to give it to my wife to sleep in (she gets very cold when the house
dips below 68 degrees), but on a whim, I tried it on first. Suddenly I could
see -- or I should say, feel -- what all the fuss was about. My neck was really
warm. I didn’t even have to be wearing the hood, and it still kept my neck
warm. None of my other clothes had ever done that before. Put the hood all the
way on, and forget about it! Total head and neck warmth, all in one. It’s like
a balaclava without the terrorist undertones.
The warm factor is great and all, but I still don’t really
like wearing the hood. It cuts off all my peripheral vision, and I can’t stand
that. Plus there is the hoodlum factor. Literally. I look even more like a
criminal in a hoodie than in a beanie. In fact, in a hoodie, I look downright
menacing, like I might be there to rob you, or I might be there to Taser you
and steal your spleen to sell it on the Chinese black market. It’s not a good
look for me. If I were to combine the hoodie with a goatee, I would expect any
rational police officer to arrest me on general principle.
My kids, on the other hand, love hoods. Apparently they have
not been blindsided by enough fast moving objects yet to fully appreciate their
peripheral vision. They don’t look nearly as menacing as I do with the hood up,
but they can’t escape the inevitable, so I have a strict “no hoods indoors”
rule. It’s partly out of good manners, like “no hats at the dinner table,” but
mostly to get them into the habit of removing their hoods before going inside
so when they grow up and look like me, they don’t get tackled in the bank
lobby.
Speaking of that, have you seen the new trend in kids’
hoodies? They now come with built-in masks. You can zip them up to your neck,
and they look just like a regular sweatshirt, but the hood has two front flaps
made out of mesh, so if you put the hood up and keep zipping, the hood closes
up completely over your head with the mesh front panel completely covering your
face. Apparently, based on my observations at the playground, the kid can see
just fine out of the mesh mask, but you cannot see their face. The masks and
sweatshirts have designs on the front to make the wearer look like a skeleton
or a zombie when it is zipped all the way up. What drug cartel or gang
syndicate came up with these? Talk about the perfect accessory for your next
bank robbery. No more having to borrow your girlfriend’s Pantyhose, or sweating
inside an itchy ski mask in July. Perfect for a night on the town, or an
impromptu carjacking. Get yours today!
They even have a version that has a Mohawk sewn into the top
of the hood. My boys have expressed great interest in the masked hoodies. Not
gonna happen, kid. I’m trying to raise you to look less like a criminal, not
more. Trust me, son. When you get to be my age, you don’t want ladies pulling
their kids away from you and security guards reaching for their can of pepper
spray every time you walk by.
As for me, both my beanie hat and my hoodie are black, the
universal color of the bad-guy dress code. Maybe a lighter color would help?
Probably not.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2013 Marc Schmatjen
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