I have always disliked the fact that the post office keeps
pushing me to add another four digits to ZIP codes. I take it as a sign of their
obvious laziness. They already make me write a five-digit ZIP code that represents
the city and state, even though I already wrote the city and state on the
envelope. The four extra numbers represent the actual street that the mail is
going to, but I already wrote the street name on the envelope. Why do they need
it in number form? Are they hiring the illiterate now? The extra four numbers make
even less sense for PO boxes. If you send something to a PO box and include the
full nine-digit ZIP code, it looks like this:
Bob Johnson
PO Box 1225
Wichita, KS
67207-1225
The extra four numbers are the PO box number. Why would I
want to write it twice for them? That seems redundant, and like I already did
it once.
Well, the other day I received a letter from my sister, and
I happened to notice that the post office’s automated machinery -- the cost of
which was in no way fully covered by my already overpriced stamp -- had printed
my full ZIP code on the bottom of the envelope. And by full, I mean my
eleven-digit ZIP code.
You thought ZIP codes only went up to nine numbers? You were
wrong! The first five numbers are the city, the extra four are the street, but
the magical, heretofore missing, last two digits actually represent your actual
house! Now we’re getting somewhere, post office! I don’t mind writing extra
numbers on the envelope if it’s all I have to write.
After I discovered this wonderful hidden nugget of postal
knowledge, I ran a test, just to be sure. I mailed a letter to myself. The
envelope had only two things on it. An overpriced stamp that in no way covers
the cost of the bloated bureaucracy that is the post office, and an
eleven-digit number. No words of any kind. No name, no street, no city. Nothing
except my full ZIP code.
Bang! Two days later it showed up in my mailbox with a
postmark. It worked.
Suddenly I am a fan of ZIP codes. They are finally useful,
and non-redundant. My house has its very own ZIP code, and so does yours. Who
knew? Figure out what it is, and that’s all the address anyone needs in order to
send you a letter. So simple. So efficient.
As easy as that sounds, however, I don’t hold out much hope
for my new streamlined addressing system to catch on. People like their
addresses too much. We are so impressed with where we live these days that we
have even started naming our neighborhoods.
“Where do you live, Bob?”
“The Enclave at Cedar Point. How about you, Fred?”
“We just moved to Parkwood Terrace at Oakview Springs Ranch.”
“Oh, great. I heard of all the Terraces, Parkwood Terrace
was the best. Who was your builder?”
“Rentwood Homes.”
“No kidding! We’re in a Rentwood over at the Enclave! We
should get the families together and compare granite backsplashes and toilet
fixtures. What’s your address?”
“17534 Twenty-Mule-Team Chuck Wagon Ranch Drive. How about
you?”
“We’re at 487278 Sunflower Mesa Creek Falls Circle.”
“Super! We can barbecue at our outdoor kitchen areas. Can’t
wait to see your floor plan.”
First of all, if you guys were to look at the county
assessor’s plat map, your “Enclave at Cedar Point” is actually officially known
as Phase Two of the Smedley-Herndorfer Tract. Second of all, you guys live in
Hogsass, Wisconsin, not the Riviera. Stop trying to make it magical.
There is no way that the folks living at “The Enclave” want
to shorten up their mailing addresses to just a long ZIP code number. Most of
them probably wish that people were required to include their made-up
neighborhood name in their address. What are we, England?
Have you ever seen an English address? They look like this:
Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Donald Henry Robinson III
15 The Cottage Row
Huntsman’s Wood Lane
The Shepherd’s Green
Linsingtonham
Kensington upon Brighton
Hertfordshire
England SM12 5WP
It takes you fifteen minutes to address the envelope because
you get writer’s cramp halfway through. If we’re not careful with all this
neighborhood naming, we could end up with that someday.
While we might never get to the point of having to include
“The Promontory at Eagle’s Perch” on the envelope, we probably can’t go down to
just the eleven-digit ZIP code either, because a post office employee still has
to hand-deliver the mail. Since they routinely give my mail to my neighbor
across the street, I think we need to keep names on the envelopes, and since I routinely
receive mail for people on completely different streets, we should probably
keep street addresses written on them as well.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2013 Marc Schmatjen
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