We are back from our two-week vacation to Europe, and we are
almost totally adjusted back to Pacific Standard Time, if passing out at two in
the afternoon and waking up ready to go at three in the morning counts as being
adjusted. I have not been very productive this past week in my jet lag fog, but
the least I figured I could do was impart some of my newfound travel wisdom.
Just think of me as a really poorly-informed Rick Steves.
SMIDGE’S HANDY EUROPEAN TRAVEL TIPS
PLANES, TRAINS, AND TINY AUTOMOBILES
Traveling on airplanes with kids
If you are considering flying long distances with children,
it is best to gather up their books and every electronic device you own (iPads,
iPods, Leapfrogs, etc.), put them all in a backpack, and bring that backpack,
along with the children, to Grandma's house and drop them off, because you
should never fly with children.
Rental cars
Rental cars
Don't ever rent a car in Europe. You are not qualified to
drive there. Italians drive like NASCAR racers on a combination of crack and
grappa. Germans drive like Formula 1 racers on a combination of meth and more
meth, and uppers. Lane lines are only fun road decorations in Italy, and have
no bearing on traffic patterns. Lane lines on the German autobahns are strictly
followed, on the other hand. The only problem is, neither lane is built for
you. Traffic in the slow lane consists of big rig trucks going slower than you want
to and traffic in the fast lane consists of Audis, BMWs, and Mercedes going
about four kilometers per hour over the speed of sound.
Trains
Trains
Take the train between cities. Train stations offer a
wonderful opportunity to stand confused in front of a large board written
entirely in Latin and scribbles, and then a great exercise opportunity where
you do the steeplechase while dragging three hundred pounds of luggage after
you realize your train is leaving in two minutes, four platforms away.
Buses and trams
Buses and trams
Once you have caught your train, and then subsequently
changed trains to go in the correct direction, your awaiting destination city
will have a marvelous bus and trolley system. The trolleys and busses run on
very strict schedules, which are not posted anywhere, and are subject to change
based on the meal and nap times of the driver. The bus lines are marked with
all the stops, so they are very easy to decipher if you born in the city you
are visiting. If you weren't, none of the stop names will correspond to any of
the attractions you want to see, so just jump on board the first large vehicle
that stops for you, and see where it takes you. It doesn't matter where it
goes, because all European cities are old and historic, and there is a
restaurant that serves beer and wine on every corner, so you really can't go
wrong.
Tolls
Tolls
Europeans love tolls. If you were crazy enough to rent a car,
while you are still alive you will get to pay tolls. Many countries make you
buy a sticker to put on your windshield. Austria is nice enough to let you buy
a ten-day sticker that only costs a little. Switzerland is nice enough to let
you only buy a sticker valid for the whole year, which costs enough to fund an entire road crew for a month.
Italy doesn't have stickers, because Italy loves tollbooths.
Second only to Insane Cab Driver, Grumpy Toll Booth Operator is Italy's number two growth occupation. There is a toll booth at every single exit on major
Italian freeways. Judging by the state of the roads in Italy, it seems that the
tolls only go to support the toll booth infrastructure itself, and possibly the politicians’
girlfriends’ clothing and jewelry budgets.
Germany is the one country without road tolls. They gave up on
tolls a few years ago, because everyone drives too fast to be able to collect
them. They tried to install those automated coin basket toll booths, but too
many hapless motorists were accidentally killed by stray Euro coins, like rifle
bullets, being flung out of Porsche windows.
Parking
There is no parking. All the spots in Europe are already
taken. Park on the sidewalk or in a field outside of town. (Side note: When
renting a car, make sure it is no wider than the narrowest sidewalk - approximately eighteen inches.)
LOCAL FLAVOR
Language
It is very helpful to learn a few key phrases at a minimum
for each country you plan to visit. The most important one is, “This is my
cousin who speaks fluently and will order food for all of us.”
Other helpful phrases include:
“Do you know anyone who would be willing to buy our children?”
“Which one of these trains has Nastro Azzuro beer in the bar
car?”
“Do you take third-party American checks at this toll booth?”
“What is the bail amount?”
And, “Have you seen our car? We parked it on this sidewalk
last night.”
Dining
Eating is really the main reason for traveling to Europe, so
enjoy yourself. The food is amazing. Just don’t expect to eat at a normal hour,
or for a normal time period. Italy is the best example of this. Lunch in Italy
occurs sometime between the hours of two and five in the afternoon. Restaurants
do not open for dinner until after eight o’clock. Dinner is served in courses
that last approximately three hours each, so expect to be at the restaurant anywhere
from three to five days. Breakfast is served the night before.
Refrigeration
Europeans devote most of their time and energy to the
culinary arts, doorknob design, castle maintenance, and road closures, so very
few professionals are left over to handle refrigeration. To reduce service
calls, all European refrigerators are set to keep food just above room
temperature. If you have food you wish to refrigerate in your hotel or
apartment, it is best to keep it in a basement, a cave, or submerged in a
river. It will last longer that way. Also, do not ask for ice. Ice cubes do not
exist in Europe.
Tipping
Europeans don't tip. You might be tempted to take advantage
of this fact, but please don't. We as Americans must keep tipping. It's our strongest advantage in the war for
seating priority.
AND FINALLY, BATHROOMS
Public restrooms
Back to tolls and infrastructure for a moment, the public
toilet industry is also a major moneymaker in Europe. Short of your own accommodations,
you will pay to pee most places you go. In a show of love and appreciation for
the next generation, kids are always free. (Or maybe they just got tired of
cleaning up the accidents when the parents couldn't find enough pocket change
in time.) It will cost you, the adult, anywhere from twenty to seventy cents
every time you have to tinkle, so have coins at all times. Most countries have
automated turnstiles, but Italy still relies heavily on the personal touch.
Creepy Coin-Collecting Bathroom Attendant is Italy’s third largest growth
industry.
Showers
Just resign yourself to the fact that you won't have a
satisfying shower until you get home. Many showers will try to fool you by
being life size. Don't fall for it. You are sharing water pressure with the
entire town, or you only get hot water in six-second bursts every three
minutes. Otherwise, the shower will be the size of a phone booth, if you were
to miniaturize a phone booth.
Counter space
Counter space
Don't expect any. Counter space in most European bathrooms
consists of the little flat spot in the side of the sink designed to hold the
soap. Most airplane bathrooms have literally five times more counter space than
the average Italian bathroom.
Toilets
Like the showers, don’t get your hopes up for powerful or
robust plumbing. In many areas of Europe you are lucky to get a toilet instead
of just a hole in the ground. Flush intensity ranges from “light mist” all the
way up to “spilled a glass of water.”
Some places have the baffling “shelf toilet,” which has a
flat porcelain plateau directly beneath your seat, with the exit hole moved all
the way to the front of the bowl. Anything you happen to put into the toilet
sits perched proudly on the shelf until the mighty flush, when it is (hopefully)
punted off into the hole. Good call, Europe!
And then there’s the bidet
The most mystifying device in the European bathroom is the
bidet. I will be blunt here, because the bidet is confusing enough as is. We
Americans have a vague notion that this device is supposed to somehow aid us in
the cleaning of our butts. Sure enough, the bidet is always sitting right next
to the toilet, suggesting that a pants-down transfer is expected.
All the bidets we encountered had a standard-looking faucet that
would shoot water horizontally across the top of the bowl, but with standard low
water pressure, so as not to be able to accidentally shoot past the end of the
bowl.
So, here’s the problem, Europe. If you are expecting this
thing to take the place of my toilet paper, we’re going to need about sixty or
seventy more PSI, here, and some kind of splash guard. This thing has a standard
sink drain, so a toilet paper/water combo cleaning does not make sense
plumbing-wise, even if there was a world where that would make sense
practicality-wise.
In short, Europe, you have placed a low sink next to the
toilet and I don’t know what you want me to do with this thing. After many
hours of long contemplation, the only possible explanation I can come up with
is that you want me to sit on this thing and use the water faucet in combination
with one of my own hands to take the place of toilet paper. If that really is
the case, I must ask you Europe, what in the actual hell are you guys thinking?
(Side note: You probably shouldn’t ever shake hands with
anyone who purposely owns a bidet.)
Well, the bidet may remain a mystery, but I hope I was able
to help with some of the other stuff.
Safe travels!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
No comments:
Post a Comment