I know what you did on Sunday night. No, not that. The other
thing. Yes, on New Year’s Eve you declared to yourself and the rest of the
party guests that you had a resolution. Some of you may have even remembered
what it was the next morning.
This is the year you’re finally going to eat healthy.
You fool. You have no idea what you’re getting yourself
into. Sure, healthy eating sounds great and all, until you really hear it. It made me deaf.
I was like you once. All full of New Year’s resolution, ready
to kick those junk food habits and eat clean. It was going to be great. A few
years ago on January 1st I fired up my new healthy diet. And what’s
healthier for breakfast than a fruit smoothie? Answer: nothing.
Bananas, apples, peaches, cherries, blueberries,
strawberries, and even some spinach thrown in there. How could I go wrong? Just
toss it all into my wife’s Vitamix blender and flip the switch.
Holy horsepower, Batman, this thing could blend a brick. And
wow is it loud! I mean, I’ve made my fair share of margaritas over the years,
but those old blenders never sounded like this. Even crushing ice with the
“frappe” button when the Oster was switched to “high” wasn’t half as loud as
this Vitamix just chopping up some fruit.
Sweet mother, I’m only at 7 on the 10 dial. What the hell
does the “high” switch do? Oh, it makes the blender sound less like a NASCAR
engine and more like one of the jets on a 737, that’s what.
Wow! This thing is insane. Our antioxidants are going 400
mph. I just made a fruit smoothie in 2.6 seconds. I love this blender!!
Turbo smoothies became a morning staple, and eating clean was
going great until one night a few months ago my whole family started getting
agitated and walking around the living room saying things like, “Where is it?”,
“Who has it?”, and “Is it in the couch?” Everyone was annoyed but me, and I
couldn’t figure out what they were talking about.
“What are you looking for?”
“The watch!”
“What watch?”
“You don’t hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“You’re joking, right?”
Now they were all staring at me incredulously instead of
looking for some watch.
“You don’t hear the watch alarm going off in this room right
now?”
“What watch alarm?”
“You have to be kidding.”
“Here it is,” said one of our boys, finding the offending
digital watch under the corner of the couch. He held it up. “Hear it now?”
“Hear what?”
At this point they all can’t believe what they’re hearing
(or more to the point, what I wasn’t), and I think they’ve all conspired
against me in some half-assed and altogether idiotic plot to make me think I can’t
hear anything. Then they handed me the watch. Holding it in my hand, I was
still convinced I was being punked. But when I held it up to ear – literally
pressed against my ear - I could finally hear the beeping. Faintly.
Hmm… that can’t be good.
A few weeks ago I took the boys to their annual check-up visit
at the doctor. As part of the initial tests, the nurse put headphones on them
and checked their hearing. All three boys laughed and told the nurse that I was
the one he should be checking. He offered to check my hearing when he was done
with them, so I put the headphones on and prepared to raise my hand when I
heard the beep.
It was a long time before I ever raised my hand.
At one point, I stopped and told the guy I thought the
headphones weren’t working. He assured me they were working fine. He knew they
were because everyone else in the room could hear the beep coming from the
headphones – located ON MY HEAD – and I still hadn’t raised my hand.
Apparently, as kids we are supposed to be able to hear sound
frequencies between 20 Hz and 20,000 Hz. Your standard middle-aged man can hear
between 20 and 16,000 Hz, and an old man should be able to hear between 20 and 8,000
Hz.
Normal conversation happens at 4000 Hz and below, which is
good news, because I could hear the beeps below 4000 Hz. It’s above that where
my problem lies. I seem to be just fine from 20 – 4000 Hz, but severely iffy
between 4000 and 5000.
Above 5000 Hz I have the hearing of a grapefruit. Nada. Zip.
I max out 11,000 Hz below my own age group, and old-timer grandpa can hear 3000
Hz more than me.
Drastic measures need to be taken. Hearing aids? Of course
not! Hearing aids are for old people. I’m just going to stop using the Vitamix.
Fruit smoothies have obviously destroyed my hearing, so fruit smoothies must go
before I start hobbling around with a cane saying “Eh?” to everyone I meet.
Be careful what you wish for. Eating clean has been proven
to be incredibly dangerous. That’s why this year my New Year’s resolution is to
get back to my old habit of eating Oreos for breakfast. Oreos are silent. Oreos
can’t damage your hearing. It’s science.
Happy New Year,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen
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