Thanks to all you boys and girls who signed up ahead of time
and came out to audition today for the elementary school talent show. And a
special thanks to all you kids who added your names to the list five minutes
ago, even though it has been posted in the office for three weeks now. Glad to
have you here.
We will take the auditions in the order that you signed up
on the list. What's that, ma'am? Your daughter who signed up a half hour ago
has tennis lessons today and can't stay past 3:00? Well, I'm not sure what to
tell you, since there are about thirty kids who signed up ahead of her and it's
already 2:45. Maybe she could come back
after tennis, or be late to practice? No ma'am, I have not been told that I'm
particularly unreasonable. I'm sorry to hear that. We will miss her version of “I’m
a Little Teacup.”
OK, everybody, let’s get started. First, I see, we have Kayden
from the 6th grade playing piano.
[sound of individual piano
keys being played in an order that does not necessarily suggest music to the
listener]
Wow, OK, thank you for that Kayden. Out of curiosity, how
long have you been taking piano lessons? Six years, is that right? Well, thank
you for sharing your gift with us today.
OK, next up we have… oh, goody, another piano player. Jade
is here from the 2nd grade.
[sound of Beethoven
coming from a broken down old elementary school piano as an eight-year-old
virtuoso’s fingers fly over the keys]
(Praise Jesus)
Thank you, Jade! That was magnificent, sweetheart! Kayden, you might want to
get the name of Jade’s teacher. No reason, just in case yours ever decides to
retire or something.
Now we have Suzy and Kendall from the 5th grade performing
a dance routine.
[alleged dance routine
takes place intermittently]
Thank you, ladies. One note that I think deserves mentioning
– most dance routines out there involve quite a bit of actual dancing. Yours seemed
to contain quite a bit of standing and vague, almost imperceptible, arm
movements. What’s that? It was for artistic effect? Oh, OK. Is that why you
picked such a sad, slow song? Gotcha. OK, thanks for coming today. What’s that?
No, no decisions will be made today. (at
least no out loud decisions) We will let you know soon.
OK, looks like we have another dance routine. Kylie from the
3rd grade is here. Take it away, Kylie.
[rap song blares and a
dance routine starts that would make the folks in a Prince video blush]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the music! Um… Kylie, honey, that
kind of dancing is a little inappropriate for elementary school. What’s that,
mom? Uh, OK, that might be how she dances at home, but you understand this
talent show is being held here for the students, right? And that song can’t be
played at school, anyway. What’s that? Well, I guess we could try to find a
clean version of it, but I’m afraid it wouldn’t have too many words left. OK,
go ahead and see what you can come up with. Moving on.
[two excruciating
hours later]
OK, thank you for that. One note – try to sing to the back
of the room. No, I don’t think you did. We have your microphone turned all the
way up and we can barely hear you. Yes, sing to the back of the room. You are
only singing to the back of your own throat.
Great, OK, looks like only one more audition and then we can
go home (and seriously reconsider our
life choices while we have a stiff drink and try to determine how we are going
to put this show together…).
OK, hello Avery from the 4th grade. What song
will you be singing? OK, and do you have the music? You’re going to sing it a
cappella? Umm… OK, well, good luck. Let’s hear it.
[sound of the most
soulful, rich, powerful, silky-smooth adult singing voice coming from a
four-foot-tall girl, which makes every adult in the room weep with awe and joy]
Thank you so much, Avery, for adding your name to the list
at the last minute. And thank you for going to this school!
(We’ve got ourselves a
talent show!)
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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